The Birds

Things have been really quiet this weekend again.

Which is surprising.

I get my injection on Tuesday.

And I’m kinda thrilled for it.

Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices.

And they would’ve been incessant.

But today I hear the birds.

Which I have only been noticing the past couple of days.

Maybe because it’s spring.

Maybe because of the new medication.

Probably a combination of the two.

Normally on nice days like today.

My voices surface as the neighbors talking about me.

All day long.

Today it’s traffic on the road.

It’s an occasional word here or there.

Not every time I’m outside though.

It’s a very odd sensation.

I’m still on high alert.

Still jumpy.

But doing good.

At least while at home.

Being in public is a whole different situation.

Doctor appointments are okay.

I can do those.

I’m anxious during them.

My blood pressure is usually through the roof.

But they’re doable.

I’ve been getting some dental work done this month.

I have two more appointments to go.

And there’s been two that I’ve already been to.

I needed some crowns.

Three of them.

And a deep cleaning.

Fuck me, right?

I didn’t know that I have periodontal disease.

They sorta told me at my last appointment.

I mean, they said something about why I was needing a deep clean.

The one where they have to numb the entire mouth.

And clean under the gums.

And apparently I can’t get to any of it with regular brushing.

So I had to do that.

It went okay.

I feel better about my smile now.

I know that much.

I told them at the first visit.

That I was embarrassed.

Embarrassed because I have been having a hard time keeping up with taking care of myself.

And the hygienist said she was glad I was there.

I’m grateful for understanding.

Yet it’s still fucking embarrassing.

Because now I have to keep up with brushing and flossing and the whole lot.

And it’s brand new to me.

I have to force myself to adhere.

Do it because it’s good for me.

And instead of feeling shitty about it.

I read up about it.

And got grossed out enough to stick it into my routine.

Finally.

Granted, it’s only been a week.

But so far so good.

Self care is torture sometimes.

Why should I take care of something I hate?

Why would I treat myself nicely?

With compassion?

And act like I have a will to go on?

I’ve been talking a lot about doing things differently lately.

Just any little thing to start.

Which can end up being a huge thing.

I stopped calling myself stupid.

An idiot.

Dumbass.

Fucking worthless.

Sometimes it slips into my thoughts with my anger.

And I have to correct myself.

But stopping this active hating on myself.

Has been changing my outlook.

Mind you.

I’m able to do that because I’m not hearing the internal voices right now.

Today it’s quiet.

And just me.

And I refuse to say anything like.

You’re dumb, Keren.

Because I don’t have to today.

I don’t have to be so angry at myself today.

I don’t have to be as dismissive today.

Inattentive.

Because I’m not hyper focused.

It’s a little step.

Not saying something.

But it’s huge at the same time.

I’m hopeful for a ripple effect.

It’s an almost mere acceptance of myself.

Where I am.

Today.

I’m using silence.

Instead of condescending phrases.

It’s a big step, actually.

It used to be unattainable.

Because everything else used to be so constant.

The voices would overlap and loop.

They have the familiar layers of completely different volumes and timbres.

They’d tell me how disgusting I am.

How I deserved nothing.

How I was a useless, horrible person.

And it’s hard to not believe them.

If not impossible, really.

They’ve been getting progressively better.

Quieter.

That is.

Within the last seven months.

And today they’re practically absent.

And them being gone is the only reason I’m able to discontinue saying those things to myself today.

Because over ninety percent of what I was hearing all day every day.

Were hallucinations.

And not me.

Like I thought for so many fucking years.

And now, today.

I’m able to let myself just be.

Let myself feel things.

And not dwell in them.

And I’m slowly learning.

And gaining ground.

I’m moving forward.

I’m no longer stagnant.

Or having to fight my darkness at every waking moment.

I’m dealing with the detrimental effects.

That my mental health has had on my physical self.

But that’s okay with me today.

Because it’s not backwards.

It’s not a plateau.

It’s a positive motion.

I’m no longer ignoring myself because I have no other choice.

I have choices today.

I can listen to the birds today.

– Keren