Medication Adjustments

This is my 70th entry.

This one right here.

I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog.

It’s rewarding.

Therapeutic.

Satisfying.

And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth.

I was looking at some of my old posts.

Because things have been much clearer lately.

I can actually say confidently.

That I’m slowly entering reality.

At a steady pace.

It’s been really quiet this week still.

And again.

Normally by now I would be having some breakthrough symptoms.

A few a day.

The voices that mimic the neighbors.

Would already be stirred up by now.

But as of today.

There’s not a whole lot going on.

Everything’s fairly subdued.

It’s fucking nice.

There’s the distant looping of someone.

Every once in a while.

Especially when I had the windows open for a while yesterday.

But it’s very very quiet most of the time.

Within the past three weeks.

It’s very obviously in my head.

And has only been surfacing when in public.

And I know that’s the next thing I need to work on.

Being in public.

It’s just triggering to hear the murmur of a grocery store.

Or a restaurant.

It’s isolating.

And right now I’d rather feel safe.

Then unnecessarily hyper vigilant.

Especially at this point in my recovery.

I’m just not really ready for it yet.

But I’m getting there.

It’ll be okay eventually.

In time.

I’m just so protective of myself right now.

I know what some of my triggers are.

And I try my damndest to steer clear of them.

It’s not always possible though.

I still need groceries.

I still need to get out.

I will be in situations that are out of my control.

It’s inevitable.

It puts me on high alert.

And on defense.

Not defensive.

Defense.

Shielded.

Instead of self sabotage.

In these same situations.

I’m learning how to self preserve.

As this week continues to tick by.

I had a follow up NP appointment at the clinic I go to.

It went really fucking well.

Like, really well.

I was getting sort of flustered at past visits.

And I was feeling unheard.

I had been told that he had noted my chart last time.

With “no present hallucinations”.

Which is inaccurate.

And infuriating.

Did he not hear me the entire time?

I told him about my hallucinations.

And that was the bulk of what we had discussed at the last appointment.

Last time I saw him I was in a super bad space with symptoms.

And was trying to tell him about it.

But it didn’t work properly.

This time I was much more calm.

I had everything I wanted to say written down.

Verbatim.

On two and a half pages of paper.

Our whole appointment was him listening.

1743 written, and then spoken words of mine.

Describing my symptoms.

What I deal with.

How often I deal with it.

And when.

Where.

All of it.

I read my “paper” to him as he followed along on a printed copy.

This time I wasn’t told that my speech was hyperactive.

That I was obsessing.

That I needed to slow down.

That I was acting manic.

I got my point across clearly.

And succinctly.

Finally.

He told me he was very glad that I wrote everything down.

That I have found a great way to communicate.

And after he clarified a couple of things.

He told me that he was going to up my sertraline.

And I now take a Risperidone in the evening.

As well as in the morning.

And to continue the monthly Invega injections.

I’m actually starting to feel better today.

I’m a little tired.

But not bad.

I’m in a good mood.

Especially after that appointment.

It’s a game changer to feel heard.

I mean, really fucking heard.

He understood everything.

And was receptive.

And open.

I did something different again.

And it worked out this time.

It went swimmingly.

Which is a great change of pace.

I haven’t felt heard by my mental health prescriber.

For a while now.

So this is a welcomed change.

It’s funny.

While at my appointment.

The new nurse there asked me how I was doing.

I said good.

That I was feeling better slowly.

And she said how are the hallucinations?

I said tolerable.

Down to once a day as opposed to all the time.

Maybe even once every other day.

If I’m lucky. 

And she said okay.

I’m going to make sure he goes up on your Risperidone.

(Which he did.)

Because the goal is to have no voices.

No shadows.

No hallucinations.

Oh.

I said.

Oh.

Like, I don’t know if they can all go away.

But I’m willing to ride along.

To see if they do.

I’m okay with the adjustment.

If a little more medicine.

Can help get rid of them.

Then I’m down to try it.

I’ve been hearing this chatter for so many years.

It boggles my mind to know that others don’t hear it.

– Keren