My [in]Ability to Think

I was approved to see another NP at the clinic I go to.

I’m glad it moved so quickly.

And I’m glad the clinic I go to let me get a second opinion with another provider.

I’m just so unsure about the bipolar aspect anymore.

In my mood app, I do not see any type of massive fluctuating moods.

It doesn’t look like a pattern of what I would expect to see of bipolar moods.

The antipsychotic that I’m on is doing the fuckin job that no other medicine could before.

I’m not on a classic mood stabilizer right now either.

And I don’t feel the need to change anything about my medication.

I feel better than I can remember I ever have as an adult.

Seemingly everyday has a little epiphany to it.

The normal,  incredible, rage that follows me everywhere has been absent lately.

My aggression and anger towards everything and myself is included has dissipated.

It’s not just in the back seat, or off to the side, but absent altogether.

It’s so refreshing that I’m having a hard time finding the right words for it.

I always thought my anger was just a part of my personality.

I’m hot headed or whatever.

That may be true.

But I think the core issue at hand is my [in]ability to think.

My inability to correctly process information and emotions.

I never knew I needed clarity because I didn’t think it was ever possible.

And I never understood how noisy and distracting my world is, until it just wasn’t anymore.

The Invega Sustenna that has been changing my life, and is keeping it up after my latest injection, this last Tuesday.

I am very grateful to be able to talk to another person about my diagnosis soon.

In reality, I think all of these years, I wasn’t getting better because I wasn’t being treated for the proper diagnosis or with the correct medicine.

The only time I have years that I remember being functional, and really, some of the only years I can recall in general, were the ones when I was on hardcore amounts of Abilify.

I think that one didn’t work too well because I never took it regularly – like every other medication until this year, I never gave it a solid chance.

It’s very strange to be able to look back like this and be constructive about it.

Normally, I would just say that my darkness took over, and there’s nothing I can do about it.

I have never actually timelined through my life.

Things happen and I move on.

I have never been able to think through my life.

If that makes sense?

I never even thought about it till just now.

Honestly everything feels so new and different to me right now.

I am remembering and retaining more the last month or two.

I’m noticing things I never did before.

I’m able to put a why to some of my behaviors.

Sometimes.

I am starting to be a little patient with myself.

And I know I’ve said this before, but the quietness has slowly been getting louder.

I’m noticing it more today especially.

It’s really wonderful and distracting.

But, it’s curious because when I do notice it, I am usually physically, very, very tired already.

Almost like, my body is relaxing?

It’s so overwhelming that I have to lay down for a little while most days.

Not to sleep, but to be able to take it all in.

My hallucinations are mainly only the radio type sounds lately.

Which is excellent.

The neighbor voices do come and go.

But so far this week, they have been few and far between.

I can’t help but think about all of the things the voices were telling me my entire life.

What a piece of shit I am.

How horrible of a human I am.

That I’m worthless and disgusting.

They would tell me my medication is pointless.

And that I was a lost cause.

I never noticed how many voices I have until they started subsiding with this medication.

I’m seriously shook.

I don’t know how I went as far and as long as I did when I did.

These voices have been an intrical part of my mindset since I was a teenager.

I only have had one professional ask if I hear voices. 

I was honest and said yes.

Then she asked if they told me to do things.

And if it was my voice, or other peoples.

I answered honestly.

Sometimes it is other people, and no.

At that time, they hadn’t taken over yet.

And, crucially, I could tell they were in my head.

So, nothing was done about it and I was told that was normal.

That was years ago now.

It wasn’t until I realized that the voices never physically showed up, or called, or did anything that they said they would, that I started being able to doubt their existence. 

Any “signs” that they were real, were hallucinations too.

That is a vicious catch-22 to be caught in.

Regardless of how many people said what was happening, wasn’t really happening to me, I couldn’t believe them.

Because the voices were still harassing me.

They hadn’t gone anywhere, and followed me everywhere.

But, once these situations compounded for around a year or so, I realized something was really wrong inside of me.

I couldn’t think properly.

It’s still hard to wrap my head around the voices not actually existing. 

They send me into a complete state of paranoia when they do surface.

How could they not though?

Who wouldn’t be petrified if every moment they’re awake, they hear people talking about them?

I haven’t lived in a world where that wasn’t happening until very, very recently.

I guess it makes sense as to why it would be literally shocking to my mind and my body.

My life is slowly, amazingly, becoming much, much more tolerable for me.

I am usually very doomy and gloomy, but I am feeling better about my life today.

And I don’t think I’ve ever said that out loud and meant it.

– Keren