Silence and Other Senses

It’s quiet this morning.

Like, really quiet.

It’s Friday, at 10am.

People are out walking and driving and everything.

But I don’t hear anything but faint background car noises.

It’s as if someone switched a channel in my eardrums.

It’s a quiet that’s so quiet that it’s oddly unsettling.

But mildly refreshing?

What the hell is this?

Is this what everyone else has been hearing the whole time?

How? 

It’s strange. 

Good strange, but strange.

It seriously is mind blowing.

My tv isn’t blaring loud and I can actually hear it.

I never really liked silence.

I mean, I’ve never enjoyed it.

I’ve always had to have the television or music on.

Or both even.

I can never concentrate in silence.

The only rooms I’d study in at the library in college was in the spaces where people could talk normally.

I always thought it was due to the ADHD in me.

Which has been a back burner diagnosis of mine.

It comes off and on the charts.

It recently made the cut again.

But I think all of this shit, these voices and radio noises are my psychosis symptoms.

And not, in fact, ADHD.

I googled something about ADHD the other day and then went on a rabbit hole with the symptoms of disorganized thinking and thoughts.

And disorganized thinking and thoughts is exactly what it feels like to me.

Medications never touched my inability to focus or recall.

I can’t follow directions.

I can’t follow through for the life of me.

This has been a significant issue for me over the years.

But I’m noticing a change in myself that just started today.

It’s difficult to properly describe.

So many little changes in me are surfacing.

They’re all subconscious.

It feels like they’ve all been stifled or caged until now.

It’s as if I can properly taste food again.

As if I couldn’t really taste all of the ingredients before.

Textures aren’t bothering me nearly as much.

My rage is distancing itself.

Which I did not think would ever happen.

I can feel my body, things that I touch.

I know that sounds strange, but that’s why it’s so difficult to describe.

I’ve been exhausted lately and I think it’s from being overwhelmed but with a mild sense of relief.

A psychological relief that I can somehow physically feel.

There is a clarity in my head today that I never, ever thought was possible.

And everything just keeps growing and moving.

It’s like a pixelated photo clearing up.

I’m slowly coming into focus.

I know I talked about my substance use and it being a huge issue for a long time.

As I sit here on a now, Friday evening, I realized I have used to not have to hear the shit that surfaces like it does.

When I stopped was when my mental health really, noticeably (in hindsight) started to surface – my darkness and dysfunction took over again.

My anger and crying spiked..

My memory crashed.

I can’t believe how quiet it is.

It was so quiet today.

I don’t ever recall these sound combinations.

Not ever in my life have I felt or heard this.

It’s a content, non-miserable state.

And, I don’t mean to go on about this, but I can’t begin to write about the obliterating silence that surfaced today.

I haven’t heard a single voice, or seen a single paranoia inducing thing all day.

The radio is gone.

The static – I guess I could call it, is off.

Like, what the fuck??

What is happening?

I did keep having panic attacks today though.

I kept throwing my apple watch into “high heart rate” mode.

So it kept alerting me today.

It’s alright. 

That’s the reason I got it.

So I can tune into my body more and understand what feelings surface from what physical symptoms.

Or vice versa.

But at first – within an hour after writing the first part of this entry, I almost passed out.

Like, almost fainted, passed out.

It was so. damn. quiet.

Seriously.

The physical symptoms popped up for about 30 min.

Maybe because it’s a serious overshitload.

That’s more what it felt like, overload, not panic, per se.

But my high heart rate alert went off after I already was feeling heavy and dizzy.

I laid down for an hour and got much better after that, and after drinking some water too.

It’s been such curious and intense feelings all damn day.

It’s wild.

Just. Wild.

It’s a relief in a way.

But, there’s almost a loneliness to it too.

If that makes sense?

It’s making me feel like when I woke up, I stepped into a completely different sounding world.

Everyone stopped talking.

So many fucking voices y’all.

Sorry for the language this entry, but I am fuckin floored by today.

One time, when I was eighteen years old, I was sitting outside and watching the stars.

I was out in the countryside of Kalamazoo, Michigan.

It was early summer.

Cloudless skies.

And the brightest stars.

Not a person or car in sight.

And as I sat there, I heard a crowd of people forming and surrounding me.

I could only hear murmurs and cadences.

This morning, that crowd was no longer around me.

When I realized this today.

I shook.

Deeply shook, for around an hour and a half.

I don’t know if it was panic or relief or sorrow or elation or surprise.

Maybe it’s all of those and then some.

– Keren