Friends

I have no desire to have friends right now.

I can’t tell if I’m telling myself that because I don’t have many at all, or because it’s a real thing.

But I really don’t have the capability to be a good friend right now.

I have way too much happening in my head to worry about much of anyone and reciprocate niceties.

I know that sounds rough, but I’m coming from a place of exhaustion when it comes to keeping up with a conversation.

It is a lot right now, being me.

I have to constantly come in and out of psychosis episodes.

There are days and weeks that I have to just trudge through because of the fucking voices and paranoia.

It’s taxing.

Physically, mentally, all of it.

I’m scared to try to make friends, or even try to get in touch with old ones.

Half the time I’m too anxious thinking about what to talk about anyway that I forget everything and go blank.

How do I even describe my life right now?

What have I been doing besides focusing all of my efforts on my mental health?

I don’t do much but try to come out of these damn psychosis episodes the last couple of years.

I’ve said this before, but I’ve successfully ruined most all relationships I’ve ever had.

It’s not too many times where the other party was at fault.

90% of the time it was me.

I don’t try to be an asshole.

And I didn’t try to be dismissive.

In fact, I couldn’t tell you really what was said between most folks and myself, even during a final disagreement or whatever.

I don’t remember much things most of the time.

Conversations and situations lead to massive confusion in me.

It’s tough to focus and take in what’s being said.

I see my mistakes.

I see my psychosis.

I’ve apologized to people directly for all of my crappy behaviors over the years.

Most folks just leave it on read.

A couple responded back once or twice.

I have yet to actually reconnect or start a friendship back up with anyone though.

Even with an apology.

I went too far with most everyone.

I’m having such a hard time thinking about conversations with people.

I haven’t been able to tell what’s real and what’s in my head since I’ve been an adult.

So many times I thought my friends were talking shittily about me, in front of me.

I could be in another room, or across the house, but I heard them talking about me.

I’d just completely blow up and ruin whatever day or night that was going on.

And then I’d usually rarely talk to them again.

I’d really sink into that ruiner vibe and go with it.

This has happened, I’d say, at least six times over the years – in times that I can think of off the top of my head.

I can’t think about it too long or else my chest feels hollow and sharp.

My behaviors and psychosis issues have pushed people away for a solid twenty years now.

I have turned off my notifications for Facebook recently.

I moved the app to the last page of my menu on my phone as well.

I have to distance myself from people right now.

Because I have no one to really talk to on there anyway.

Along with my friends, I also purged hella pictures while in psychosis, so I really have no idea what’s on my page anymore.

It’s like I post the same shit anyway – mental health stuff.

But it’s like everyone else posts these amazing things happening in their lives that get likes and comments.

Pictures from vacation.

Their fucking kids.

I used to try so so so hard to keep up and feel approved.

I even started a page for my dog while in psychosis.

But like everything else, I did it for a few weeks and got really bored with it.

And the completely forgot about it.

And, a couple months ago, when I was put on Invega and it really started working, I realized I would get very angry only when on Facebook.

Which led me to thinking that I really don’t think Facebook is good for me right now.

I have to focus on myself without other people.

I have masked every part of me for so long.

I have been so codependent with my friends for so long.

So, I feel like I have to stop everything and start over.

Well, maybe not start over, but do things differently from here on out.

Be better.

Do better.

I need to hit restart with my friend approach.

I had a best friend.

For about twenty years.

She bowed out of our friendship in the spring of 2021.

I don’t blame her.

Or anyone who had to save themselves off of my sinking ship of a life.

I was a fucking wreck of a human before I knew about my psychosis episodes and issues.

It was funny when I was younger.

My anger, my lack of a filter.

But as I got sicker as an adult, the people distanced themselves significantly.

They had every reason to.

I just wish someone would’ve been more concerned than annoyed.

I wish I would’ve known what was happening sooner than I did.

I don’t know if anything would be different if I did though.

Friends do come and go through life, so I’m hoping that the next group is just around the corner.

But I need to be better before that can seriously happen.

So for now I’ll just keep writing and walking my dog and one day I’ll feel adventurous enough to get on meetup or something.

– Keren