As down on myself as I get for not being social, I have been more social the past few months.

I just haven’t really made any more friends.

Which is fine right now.

I’m not gonna get down on myself for that.

But I have been going out to dinner with my Dad and his friend every Thursday now for quite a few months.

And I’m known by name at a couple of places that we go to.

Which feels good.

We went to this great burger place that we love again this week.

And the manager, Jo, was there.

She bounces around, and does a little bit of everything, but when she saw me, she said “Hi Keren!” and checked us in for a table for three.

She said it’d be about fifteen minutes.

And three minutes later, I got a text from their system saying our table was ready.

We were joking that I have an “in” with her, and she must’ve bumped us up.

When I went out to dinner with a friend on my birthday the other week, we went to that same restaurant.

And I saw Jo that night, and found out her birthday is the day after mine.

So I doubt she’ll ever forget me now, nor I her.

My Mom commented to me that just last year I was having a hard time going out.

And now this year, people at certain spots know me by name, and what a change that is for the better.

And I couldn’t agree more.

In fact, I hadn’t even thought about that.

But she’s right.

I was pretty terrified to go out into the public just last year.

My paranoia was deep rooted.

I couldn’t help but feel everyone was focused on me, all the time.

Deep down, I know they’re not.

But the voices commenting on my every move behind me constantly, didn’t help fucking anything.

I’m beyond grateful my paranoia has subsided.

It could get so intense at times.

I would feel like everyone is watching me.

Even if they’re not looking directly at me, they’re talking about what I’m thinking and feeling.

So why wouldn’t I be paranoid?

I always just felt like I had eyes on me.

And that someone was going to pop up and try to do something to me.

But that’s my trauma talking.

When the voices got bad, they’d tell me they were going to kill me.

They’d tell me that they’re waiting for me.

And they would describe where they were waiting.

It’d be somewhere close by to my location at the time.

And they’d tell me that I’m worthless.

That I’m dead.

That I’m of no use to them.

The bulk of the time they’d just rail on me verbally.

Call me names.

Point out my flaws.

They’d talk about crude, disgusting things all the time.

No wonder why I was paranoid in public with all of that going on.

Anyone would be.

I’m just grateful that NIacin and Vitamin C are working so well for me.

Without them, I wouldn’t be this clear.

I talk about the vitamins all the time.

How wild it is that vitamins have given me all of this clarity.

It’s mindblowing, really.

I’m a firm believer that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to anything in healthcare.

For some reason, the vitamins work really well to quelle my hallucinations.

Maybe Dr. Abram Hoffer was onto something with folks like me.

Folks who share the same subset of schizophrenia basis as me.

Maybe my schizophrenia does come from, basically, an overproduction of adrenochrome – which comes from oxidized adrenaline in the brain, like Hoffer said.

Which makes sense, because for several years leading up to my huge psychotic break, I was going through trauma after trauma, giant stressor after giant stressor.

And adrenaline is released in the brain primarily during times of high stress.

I was in fight or flight for many, many years leading up to my big break. 

And that’s why the Niacin works for me – and a subset of folks like me.

I’m grateful his studies are out there.

Because I’d still be suffering, and on two antipsychotics that still don’t really work, if not.

I want to be clear, there is no “cure” for schizophrenia.

There’s management.

And right now, my schizoaffective disorder is being managed fairly well.

And right now, my depression is being managed fairly well also.

Finally.

I’ve tried countless SSRI’s and none of them did anything but give me side effects and anxiety.

But the past year or so has been different. 

And that’s thanks to me being on an SNRI called Duloxetine.

It also makes a ton of sense that that works so well because norepinephrine – aka noradrenaline, is also a byproduct of the fight or flight response as well.

In fact, dopamine makes norepinephrine, and norepinephrine makes adrenaline.

Go figure – it’s all linked.

There’s a chart with the similarities of adrenaline and norepinephrine in the “norepinephrine” link above – fascinating stuff.

So, it’s understandable that an SNRI would work way better for me since I think I have an issue with my dopamine/adrenaline processing. 

It’s been theorized for quite a while that overproduction of dopamine has something to do with psychosis.

Makes sense.

So, the dopamine overproduction would lead to norepinephrine being overproduced which would lead to adrenaline being overproduced which leads to all of the reasons why everything that I’m taking right now medication and supplement wise works so fucking well for me.

There was no doctor that told me about any of this.

I did research.

I advocated for myself.

I sat at my computer for hours and made lists – wrote down tons of things, bookmarked countless websites.

It was my functional medicine nutritionist who told me about the nutrition aspect, and the Niacin and Vitamin C, and wanted me to start up the Niacin regimen.

Granted, she did go to med school, just didn’t take the tests to become an MD or DO, she went a holistic route instead.

But still, there isn’t a doctor out there that would tell me to take a vitamin as opposed to a pharmaceutical.

There isn’t a doctor out there that would sit me down and walk me through all of this stuff.

Tell me how all of this is linked together.

The vitamins work better than the pharmaceuticals for me.
And not even my psych NP had heard about the combination.

He never explained to me that he thinks I have a dopamine/norepinephrine/adrenaline issue.

I found that out by myself.

After that run in with the shitty rheumatologist the other week, and since the Niacin and Vitamin C have been working so fucking well for me, I can’t help but think that doctors need to be better informed on nutrition and the impact of vitamins and minerals while still in school.

My therapist and I have talked about this several times now, but the second someone has to see a specialist – has to go above and beyond their general practitioner, they should have four mandatory things done.

And at the very first specialist appointment, they should go over these things.

One is getting raw DNA data and sequencing done.

Two is getting a full vitamin and mineral blood panel done, to see what’s low and what’s high before any changes are made to diet or medication regimen.

Three, is an elimination diet – something like the “Whole 30” diet to eliminate any issues with the major food groups that a lot of folks are sensitive to.

And four is more bloodwork after the elimination diet is done.

And after the bloodwork, after you get the DNA results back, and after you have done the elimination diet successfully and have done the second round of bloodwork, then you have an appointment with a specialist and they go over everything with you.

Then you’d have a much better idea of what you’re up against.

What’s working and what’s not.

What’s a food issue and what’s a medical issue.

These four things should absolutely be standard in medical practice.

It would’ve saved me a lot of time, money and headaches a couple of decades ago if that was the protocol.

I mean, it’s not that hard or expensive to do any of these three things nowadays.

I got my DNA data for $36 and uploaded it to sequencing.com for free to search my “pathogenic” and “begnin” traits.

My bloodwork was covered by my insurance.

Groceries are expensive regardless, but it doesn’t take a lot more money to switch up to veggies and gluten free stuff from processed, sugary shit.

Besides, when you cut out a lot of processed stuff, you save money from not eating out as much, not buying soda, and not buying that impulse bag of chips and candy bar at the gas station.

It’s surprising how much of that kind of stuff adds up.

But, really, this should be the standard level of care that we’re given.

That’s healthcare.

That’s getting to the root issue.

Not automatically being prescribed a pill or injection because you have a blanket disorder.

Everyone is so different, and we should be treated that way.

It should start with nutrition, vitamins, minerals, what you put in your body, and the core issue in your DNA – what you’re susceptible to.

Just because something works for one person doesn’t mean it’s going to work for the next.

No doctor has ever told me to do any of these things, to look into my diet, to do DNA sequencing.

I had to find out on my own that I needed to do them.

I had to listen to other people who were having unresolved health issues, and hear what they were doing.

I had to keep an open mind and get uncomfortable for a while.

Because diet changes aren’t fun at first.

I went through a hardcore sugar withdrawal when I first cut it out of my diet.

I remember I had headaches, my whole body hurt, I felt like I wanted to punch the wall, I slept a lot, and I felt like I had the flu for about 4 days.

It was brutal.

But then I started doing research while I felt like shit.

And I found out that sugar hits dopamine receptors.

Ah, I have dopamine problems already.

“High‐sugar consumption activates the brain’s reward circuits—a positive reinforcement mechanism—including the dopamine and endorphin systems, which are associated with satisfaction and pleasure. Chronic exposure to high‐sugar foods may alter these systems, leading to heightened cravings and a dependence on sugar.” (source) 

So, basically, according to your brain, sugar is just like any other addictive drug that you could consume.

It hits the same paths.

And does just as much damage.

That source article is really quite interesting and I encourage you to read the whole thing.

Some of the wording is sorta hard – it’s super scientific, but you’ll get the idea.

If you’re interested in learning more about how addictive and detrimental sugar is, I suggest this lecture on YouTube as well – very informative.

Food is tough and touchy, I get it.

But in order to feel better, the journey really starts there.

And unfortunately I learned that way late in life.

I learned how important food, vitamins and supplements are in my 40’s, not in my 20’s like we all should.

And a lot of really good stuff isn’t FDA regulated, and that’s really just too bad.

They’re dropping the ball, really.

In my opinion, doctors need to do better – be better.

I should be able to leave my appointment feeling like I got an education on what my ailments and next steps are. 

Not like; now I have 25 hours of research ahead of me so next time I can better explain to the doctor what’s going on and what my issues are.

If I don’t advocate for myself, I’m shit out of luck.

No one’s going to do that for you.

Unfortunately we live in a healthcare system – at least, here in the u.s., where we have to tell the doctors what our diagnosis is.

Not the other way around.

Maybe one day doctors will have a better handle on nutrition and nutrients and be able to actually help me, and know where I’m coming from.

But to be brushed aside because they just don’t understand it isn’t fair.

I live in my body.

Don’t get their education and our collective four hour – or however long it is, relationship twisted.

You know what’s going on with your body more than they do.

Period.

School them.

It feels good.

-Keren