It’s been a slow moving week.

I suppose that’s a good thing.

I’ve been sorta unmotivated lately – unfocused.

I can’t help but worry about the future.

I’m paranoid about the next steps and what that looks like in my life. 

I usually have a plan, and right now I just don’t.

I don’t know what I’m doing.

I don’t know what to expect.

And I hate feeling like this.

I feel like I have nothing to offer the world.

I have no skills.

I have no special abilities.

I have nothing.

I feel like I am nothing.

That’s where I’m at right now.

I feel like I have nothing to offer anyone.

I feel as though there’s nothing special about me.

Like there’s nothing that sets me apart from anyone else.

It’s not like I have any specific schooling, or any special certifications for work or anything like that.

It’s not like I’ve done a lot of things the past ten to fifteen years but survive.

And then the last three to four years all I’ve been able to do is crawl out of survival mode and work on myself.

Maybe I’m just in a bad mood today.

It’s Thursday.

And I woke up feeling shitty today.

I kinda rushed Bruce through his morning walk.

I wasn’t mean or rude to him, just inpatient with him smelling everything.

I just kept saying things like “c’mon buddy, let’s go”.

And whenever I do that, I know I’m in a horrible mood.

I had therapy today and I just… I dunno, I feel like I’m failing.

I can’t seem to save money.

I can’t seem to get any better.

I can’t seem to be any happier.

I can’t seem to be in a better place.

We didn’t do any EMDR today in therapy, we just talked.

And that’s good – it was a relief.

I can’t do EMDR every week.

It’s too much.

It’s too intense.

We planned for next week and the week after though, for doing a regressive technique and EMDR at those sessions.

Another draining thing is that I can’t seem to lose any more weight.

And that’s annoying as fuck.

I feel like I’m failing at that too.

I know I’ve lost 130 someodd pounds already, and that’s not failing.

But I’ve plateaued now, and gained a couple, 4-5 pounds back.

So it feels ugly.

I don’t like it.

Like I said, I think I’m in a bad mood today.

I just can’t see the good in much of anything right now.

Besides Bruce, he can’t do anything wrong, ever.

He’s perfect.

But I’m not.

I’m not even close.

I’ve actually been thinking a lot about how comfortable I am with nothing.

Especially when it comes to money.

How I’m beyond okay with less than the bare minimum and have been for many, many years.

And I mentioned this to my therapist today.

How I seem to spend the bulk of my money every month, and I can’t even keep track of what I spend it on.

I mean, I know I spend a ton at the grocery store every week.

But she told me at one point, the feeling of being okay with nothing served a great purpose for me.

At one point in my life, when I had nothing, I had to be okay with having nothing.

When I literally had nothing, and there was nothing I could do about it, it would’ve driven me mad to obsess and worry about it every moment of the day.

So being okay with having nothing served me at those times.

But now, it’s not serving me, at all.

Now I need to not be okay with having nothing.

Now I should feel something when I have nothing.

I should feel uncomfortable.

Especially when I don’t have any money.

Because now, I need to save money.

And now I’m in a position where I’m usually able to save a couple hundred bucks a month.

I have got to acquire money again and almost hoard it in a way.

Because that will serve me now.

Because it’s like I’m super comfortable having nothing and being nothing.

But that no longer serves a purpose in my life.

That’s no longer necessary for me.

I’m no longer that person.

I’m no longer in a constant state of survival.

I’m no longer seeing the world as just black and white – there are tons of grays all over the place.

What’s necessary for me now is to build a nest.

And I just don’t know how to not be desperate.

I don’t know how to not be dysfunctional in that aspect of my life yet.

It doesn’t help that everything is so expensive nowadays.

And it doesn’t help that I go into psychotic episodes, and, similar to manic episodes, I spend money that I shouldn’t spend.

I become erratic and irresponsible, very quickly.

Most of the time in an episode, I literally don’t know what I’m doing.

So I’ll spend money and have zero recollection of doing it and zero recollection of what I bought.

But I need to not be okay with having nothing.

I now need to be uncomfortable when I’m suffering.

I can no longer find solace in dysfunction.

And I know it’s going to take quite a bit of time.

And I know I’m inpatient.

So it’s going to be a frustrating process.

It already is.

It’s proving to be very difficult and very slow.

But now that I’ve talked about it with my therapist I do feel a bit better about it.

It’s out there now.

And I feel like I can wrap my head around it now, and grip it a little.

At least to a point where I can start somewhere small.

And at least to a point where I can start to understand why I am seemingly so fucking comfortable with absolutely nothing.

Because it’s been bothering me a lot.

The months keep passing and I have nothing to show for them.

And I didn’t even know where to start to try and change it.

But we talked today.

And I added some new “buttons” to my mood app, and I will start tracking my spending there, and in my daily notes there too.

And I know that’ll give me a better idea of what I’m spending money on and where.

And maybe it’ll help my overall mood if I have a better handle on my finances.

It’s somewhere to start at least.

Something’s gotta change.

I just have been feeling so flat the past week or so.

So dulled and blah.

So annoyed with things.

So tired, but unable to sleep.

I don’t know if I’m at the start of a depressive episode or what, but I’ve been feeling like I probably am.

I feel like I might be at a turning point in my life or something.

A transitional time.

And I just don’t know where I’m going or what I’m doing next.

I feel lost right now.

It’s driving me up the wall.

I feel like I’m wandering about, walking in abstract circles that are looping over themselves.

I might be slowly gaining ground, but it feels like I don’t always speak the same language as those around me, so it’s tough to get by.

I’ve never really been good with managing my money.

I guess I was okay with it when I was younger and a teenager.

Before I had to pay bills and rent.

But who isn’t?

Bruce is expensive too.

And I forget about how much money I have to set aside for him every month, it’s substantial.

I just wish that I had more skills.

I wish I had a better grip on my future.

I usually have a running plan on my future and I just don’t right now.

And I know that’s because of my mental illness.

Because I’m unpredictable, so my future is unpredictable.

The second I start feeling better I have a set back.

Either physically or mentally.

Every fucking time.

Like these vein ablations have set me back physically and mentally.

I’ve been having to take both of my antipsychotic medications everyday and it’s throwing my prolactin levels through the roof.

Which is horrible for my bones and hair if it’s elevated for prolonged periods of time.

So I’m going to try to cut back on my Haloperidol this upcoming week.

But that’ll probably throw me into a psychotic episode.

So yeah…

I’m pessimistic about life right now.

I feel unable and unworthy.

I feel isolated and alone.

But, what’s new?

-Keren