I’m still upset at life.

I still don’t know if I’m going to continue writing this blog or not.

It’ll have been three years of it already in a few weeks.

I haven’t decided if I’ll renew my domain name or not yet.

Time will tell.

I just feel like I’m bitching too much, and to no one, but still fucking up along the way, even though I don’t mean to.

Besides, I really feel that no one wants to hear my shit.

So, to add to the bitchfest, here we go, on with another fucking pointless rant…

Today is Tuesday and over the weekend I realized I’m depressed and paranoid.

And I realized they’re both impacting me more than I thought.

Not to mention I had a primary care appointment yesterday, and she went over my lab work with me that I had done last week which I was super worked up about.

I was super paranoid about that because I had to urine test for a drug panel and I totally forgot about it and I didn’t have to use the bathroom when I got to the lab.

I had just gone before I left the house, spacing the drop.

So I had to call the doctor’s office and have them reorder the urine portion so I could go back when I could go to the bathroom.

Which I did the next day when they had the next available appointment.

The thing is, I drank a ton of water before the appointment just to make sure I could go, right?

I thought nothing of it.

But I got my test results back the next day from the lab, on their portal, and the lab said I had “diluted the sample”.

Which could have been from drinking a bunch of water, or could have been from me tampering with the sample.

And mind you, I’m a recovering addict.

So I figure, my doc is not going to believe me, she’s going to side with the lab and say I tampered with it.

I figured that she’s going to judge me and assume, and I’m going to have a mark in my chart even though everything was negative and I’ve been clean for years, I just knew it.

But she didn’t mention a single thing!

If she would have, this entry would have had a much, much different tone.

I would be spiraling right now for sure.

In fact, she kept saying how proud she was of me that I’ve lost so much weight, and got myself out of the prediabetes arena.

She said that my cholesterol was perfect and ideal in the mid 60’s.

That she was glad my liver enzymes had leveled back out since I had stopped taking Tylenol so often.

There was a down side, and a fairly annoying one.

But once I got out of the office and thought about it, it all started clicking.

My TSH (thyroid) levels are pretty high right now, meaning I need an increase in my medication.

Basically, my body is working extra hard and not gaining any traction.

My thyroid is trying to produce more TSH hormone to catch up, but it literally can’t.

And whenever I get to this point – my level is a 6.76 right now, and the correct range is from 0.40 – 4.50.

(the highest I remember it ever being when I was really bad at taking my medication in my early 20’s was around a 17.something, that was terrible)

So, I’m well above the highest “normal” range point right now.

And this happens every so often.

I swear, I’ve been bounced between 225mcg’s and 250mcg’s of Levothyroxine for years now.

It really depends on the manufacturer of the generic medication at the time of the testing, but this time may be different.

This time I think it’s perimenopause related, and is very possibly a permanent increase.

When it does get this high, I can get lethargic, but I have trouble sleeping, I can get much more prone to becoming depressed, my hair can come out/fall out easier, and I have a harder time losing weight and I can even gain weight much easier than normal.

And that’s exactly what’s been happening.

It doesn’t explain all of my symptoms, because there are more.

But it helps explain some.

Because I do think that on top of my thyroid levels being off, I’m also in a depressive episode, and my paranoia is running fucking rampant too.

Which, none of that helps either.

I think they’re all playing off of one another in many ways.

I don’t think it’s one or the other, but more both, all, and then some other aspects thrown in there too.

But I’ve been having a hard time losing weight the past month or three weeks or so.

I’ve been losing inches, but not a lot of weight.

It’s been coming off a hell of a lot slower.

I’ve been losing still, but it’s absolutely slowed down for no reason, I haven’t changed anything.

And I know it naturally does that when you get closer to your goal weight, but not by this much, not this drastic, this quick.

My hair has been falling out a ton easier lately too, and I was actually googling some of my meds the other day to see which one causes that, and some can, but it’s not really prominent in any one specifically. 

Then I found out my levels were off, and it made way more sense.

My sleep has definitely been disturbed the past couple of weeks.

That could be from my paranoia, and the depression too.

Because I have been up, obsessing about all of the horrible things that are wrong with me and my life, all of my fuck ups.

I have a really, really hard time falling asleep when I get like this.

Once I’m asleep, I’m good.

But falling asleep is very difficult.

I have a hard time going to bed, so I try to fall asleep on the couch, and sometimes I do, but in my bed I’ll just lay there on my phone for hours.

At least on the couch I’ll watch tv and be more prone to actually fall asleep for an hour or two at a time.

These obsessive looping of thoughts that come with the paranoia are terrible. 

“I’m unlovable”

“I’m a failure”

“I’m a mistake”

“I’m a burden”

“People only tolerate me”

“No one wants to be around me”

“No one wants to hear me”

“No one cares”

That’s the big one – no one cares.

That pummels through my mind continuously.

Especially when I don’t get responses to texts or fb comments or posts.

And I know I shouldn’t let other people’s behavior affect me like that, but how do I stop it then?

How do I stop wanting to be accepted and approved of?

I feel like part of that is human nature.

Wanting to be part of the “pack” so to say.

I’m paranoid of being abandoned by people, even my parents and family members.

Even when I know it’s irrational and not going to happen.

It still feels like it will happen.

Like it’s going to happen and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.

I’m paranoid of becoming someone I hate again.

I’m paranoid of people hating me.

I’m paranoid of people talking shit about me.

I’m paranoid of everything and I stress myself out because of it.

I’m paranoid of being paranoid.

My paranoia takes all the bad parts of things, smooshes them together, combines them, and forces them to the forefront of my attention until I literally can’t stand it anymore and scream.

I mean, I self harmed this weekend because the paranoid self loathing was so fucking loud.

I couldn’t take it.

I have self harmed in some way shape or form three times within the last four weeks.

I looked in my mood app.

And before then it had been about six months or so.

And to be honest I really wanted to break everything in my apartment and then drive off of a fucking bridge.

And at least I can admit that now.

Before moving down here I never would have even admitted that I self harmed.

At least I own it now.

I’m not proud of it but it does help to call myself out.

It’s embarrassing as fuck that I can’t control myself and my self loathing.

It does not help that I had an ex “best friend” try to follow me on instagram out of the blue this weekend, Saturday night.

She literally abandoned me in 2020.

Talk about a fucking trigger.

We hung out one night in 2020, had a good time, and either that night or the following morning (I can’t remember which) I tried to text her and she had blocked me everywhere.

Facebook, instagram, iPhone, everywhere, I was blocked. 

Abandoned.

And she knew that my other “best friend” of 20 years had just “bowed out” of our friendship via fucking text the month or two before that.

(I’ve told you I lost all of my friends during that time, I’m sure it was from my behavior, but at the very least I deserve a simple explanation, not to be ghosted by someone I called a “best friend”)

She knew I was hurting and she didn’t give a fuck.

I don’t know why she left me like that.

With no explanation, no answers to any questions, no nothing.

We’ve been “friends” since middle school and we had gone a solid 10 years or so not talking in our adult life, but I was glad that we had reconnected years prior.

But then she abandoned me, again.

And now she wanted to waltz back into my life like nothing fucking happened as a follower on instagram, which I rarely use?

No.

Nope.

No.

Absolutely not.

I deleted the request and immediately blocked her.

I want nothing to do with her.

Nothing.

I have no room in my life for people that can leave me when I’m hurting the most.

Fuck that shit.

That did not help my sleeping patterns this weekend.

That did not help anything this weekend.

I’m just so fucking spent right now.

The only thing that’s keeping me going is my therapy and groups (group therapy).

That’s been a lifesaver this week, and last.

And I called my caseworker at my psych NP’s office today around 6.

I knew she’d be gone for the day already, but I wanted to leave a message.

And I also left a message for my psych NP asking him if he could call in some Haloperidol and ask him how many I can safely take in a week with the Paliperidone combination.

Told the nurse on her voicemail that I had a terrible weekend and past few weeks.

Fuck.

She left me a voicemail during life skills the next day saying she called it a new prescription of Haloperidol because my stash is starting to expire.

And the nurse also said on her voicemail that I can take the Haloperidol up to twice a day, so that’s good.

So, I’m starting to reach out again.

I’m trying.

I’m using my tools, my people, I’m trying.

I just hate it when life gets like this.

I’m surviving again today, not living, and I’m barely doing that.

I’m so fucking glad I have one-on-one therapy in the morning.

– Keren