I’m having a decent week, finally.

After episodes of pain, psychosis, depression, anxiety, more pain, more psychosis, more depression and then even more pain and then even more psychosis and then even more anxiety, I can finally, finally breathe today.

The only thing that sucks this week is a randomly last minute rescheduled doctors appointment.

Not just an appointment either, a procedure.

I was supposed to have a vein ablation on my left leg today (it’s Tuesday) – both my GSV and SSV veins, which are the two largest veins in the leg I was told.

But, they had to reschedule me last minute Monday when I called back to confirm the appointment, because my insurance authorization wasn’t complete yet.

Such a massive disappointment.

I hate how insurance companies tell the doctors why, how and when to treat their patients.

Horsesshit.

I was super anxious and pumped for the procedure too.

I had talked about it in two weeks of therapy sessions and everything.

I had nothing on my calendar this week on purpose for recovery.

I was planning on walking a lot and was kinda excited because the weather was gonna be perfect.

Damnit.

I have to have it done on both legs because my circulation isn’t working/pumping properly in either of my legs.

My veins are refluxing, they told me after an ultrasound a couple of months ago.

So I have to have two procedures of the same thing – one for each leg.

I asked them to get started on the insurance authorization for my right leg now, seeing as how this one took so long.

Might as well.

I’m blaming the federal layoffs on the auth delay but I don’t know that for a fact.

But to think that the layoffs wouldn’t affect claim times would be seemingly silly.

The delay is a total bummer though.

But I did finally end up getting the appointment rescheduled for May 13th. 

Monday, when I had to cancel the appointment, they didn’t even have the schedule built for the appointments for May yet.

It’s a specialized visit because an ultrasound technician needs to be there with the doctor during the procedure.

I think having to reschedule me made them make the slots appear quicker.

They only had three spots available though when they texted me this morning.

So I took the first one.

Thank goodness they had any.

Hopefully there won’t be another hiccup.

I’m already anxious about the procedure, like I said.

They’re shutting down fucking veins in my legs.

The two biggest ones on each leg.

That’s scary.

Even though I do know it’ll be good in the long run and hopefully I’ll notice a good difference right away, but damn, it’s nerve wracking for sure.

It’ll hopefully stop the constant swelling of my ankles for one thing – which has gotten so much better since stopping the Gabapentin, but they still swell super easily.

And my calves have pretty constant edema too.

Pitting edema towards my ankles.

It’s not as bad as it’s been in the past, but it’s there still.

My pain levels have been extremely tolerable as of late.

Don’t get me wrong I’m still in pain – it never fades.

My knees have been achy and tender, but nothing more than the ordinary achiness and tenderness.

I’m at a steady 5 on the pain scale.

Not a bad average right now seeing as how I usually sit around a 7 when my back isn’t numbed.

But post nerve ablation, my back is practically pain free.

It’s 85% pain free in that area right now, so that helps immensely.

I’m losing weight, that helps too.

I’m down over 35lbs from when I started in February, and down 100lbs since starting at my highest in 2023.

That’s exciting af!

I’m thrilled with my progress and myself for sticking to it.

I’ve been really holding myself accountable with food and fasting one day a week even.

Really trying to understand when I’m hungry vs when I’m “hungry”, or when I’m just needing the emotional support that I find in food.

I realized I was relying on food to constantly dull my feelings.

If I was constantly digesting food, I didn’t have to really think about how much I was eating.

Somehow it made sense.

I was eating so. much. food.

It kept me foggy on top of the psychosis.

I just kept piling it in.

Most of it in secret.

I eat a fraction of a fraction of the food that I used to now.

I ordered one sandwich from this local sub place the other day.

I used to order two sandwiches and four cookies, every time.

Each sandwich had double meat, double cheese.

And I’d eat both of the sandwiches, and all four cookies, every time.

The other day when I ordered, I got a sandwich with one and a half meat portion, regular cheese, no cookies, and I couldn’t even finish it.

I could not even finish one sandwich with less on it – when I used to eat more than twice that in one sitting.

Wild shit.

And by the way, it is humiliating calling myself out like that.

Fuck.

Oh well.

It’s over now.

That’s all in the past.

Besides, I already wrote it, I’m gonna leave it.

And that’s real, that’s a real example.

I don’t know if binge eating is relatable to a lot or people, but it will be to some.

It’s embarrassing.

It’s like a feeling of desperation, and it’s stealthy and it’s sneaky.

Binge eating was like this dark secret I kept hidden from everyone.

Besides my weight gaining, no one knew.

I even tried to hide how much I was eating from myself.

That was probably the biggest obstacle when beginning to count calories.

I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t losing weight at first.

Well, I wasn’t writing everything down.

I wasn’t plugging everything in that I was drinking or even eating.

I wasn’t writing down the handful of chocolate peanuts in my app, or the cup of chai, or the handful of crackers.

Shit like that, and that stuff adds up quick.

I was consciously lying to myself really, when it came down to it.

Looking back, I have no idea how I could eat that much in a day.

But I’ve turned to food my whole life.

Food has never disappointed me.

Food has never turned me down.

Food has never abandoned me.

Food has never hated me, or been mad at me.

But food has hurt me, in many, many ways.

My whole family is huge on food too, like many others out there, it’s everywhere and at every get together.

I’ve been trying to not base my social experiences and gatherings around food anymore, but it’s so difficult.

Same goes with drinking alcohol.

I don’t really drink anymore, but try to be social out and about without going for a drink or food and see what happens.

They’re both such a common thing to do.

But I really don’t want to eat out anymore.

You never know what you’re eating.

The cooks add oil, salt, sugar, all kinds of stuff.

It’s hard to gauge what I’m actually consuming.

I think eating better is helping with pain levels too.

Well, for sure for sure the weight loss is helping my pain levels be reduced.

So, indirectly, eating better is leading to feeling better.

But I’m not eating great, great, just better.

I’ve cut out a lot of junk.

I put in more veggies and fruit.

Put in more plant protein (I can’t do the milk based things and I don’t eat meat that often).

I didn’t cut anything out food wise, but i stopped buying junk for the house.

And I don’t think I have any food sensitivities that would lead to increased pain levels, besides milk.

But I definitely have a lactose intolerance.

That shit is brutal.

But my body is really reacting positively to the lifestyle changes I’ve been making the past couple of months.

I really physically, feel much better than I have in a long time.

I know a lot of that is probably from the weight loss.

I feel like my body is relaxing for the first time ever, really.

Ever in my adult life for sure.

Which makes the vein ablation that much more of an icing on the cake.

I can’t imagine not having my ankles swell up every fucking day.

It’s gonna be awesome, after I know how much pain I’ll be in after the procedure.

That’s what I’m most nervous about, the pain after the fact.

But anyway, things have been better physically for now and I appreciate my body more and more each day.

It’s hard to appreciate it when it’s broken.

But the past few weeks have been better for sure.

– Keren