It’s Monday today.

And I don’t know why I can’t be happy for more than two days in a row.

Three if I’m lucky.

I started to get anxious again yesterday, Sunday.

Had a huge panic attack.

I had to take quite a bit of medications in order to calm down.

But I was not anxious about the car.

Well, sorta about the car.

About paying the car note.

But more anxious about my benefit renewal coming up.

And then about how the actual fuck am I going to afford moving now if I have to now?!

Oh holy shit is everything caving in at once again.

And I felt like I couldn’t see straight.

Everything was blurring together.

My heart was pounding.

My mind was racing.

Why the fuck can’t I just fucking be happy??

Why do I go to the worst fucking case scenario constantly?

Why am I always full of fucking dread?

I fucking hate this.

I’m sitting here crying because I tried to open up to a new friend about the voices I was hearing on my walk with Bruce this evening.

(I know I’m hearing them because I’m stressed – a-fucking-gain)

And she 100% brushed me off.

She deals with them too and she just totally invalidated me.

Told me “I just ignore mine.”

So that made me feel even fucking worse.

Like I don’t deserve to bitch about them.

I don’t deserve to talk about them.

I don’t deserve a friend who understands.

I don’t deserve fucking anything.

And then these horrible, self loathing thoughts start coming in.

Old behavior thoughts.

You’re fat and dumb anyway.

You’re a fucking dumb bitch.

Go die.

No one cares about you.

No one ever will.

Fuck, man.

I’m so glad I have a car and get to go to group tomorrow.

Because, fuck this shit.

Seriously.

I hate this.

It’s now Tuesday.

I slept a bit.

Not great, but I slept.

I took my Clonazepam, three of my 20mg Propranolol, and also took a Haloperidol last night.

I felt a bit better about 40 minutes after that.

Then I fell asleep.

Thank fuck for sleep.

I woke up feeling a bit better about things.

And then I try to turn to people and it’s just like.. they seemingly don’t care.

I reached out on one of my schizoaffective groups on fb the other week, and I have been talking to a few gals from there.

I think I mentioned this…

But at first everything was pretty cool actually.

It’s been nice to talk about things.

We’ve all been going back and forth for like a week, week and a half.

Separately, not in a group chat.

I’ve been super supportive with whatever they’ve been going through, trying to say positive things, trying to say helpful things.

And the bulk of them are super nice.

But it feels like I’m just seriously met with nothing like what I’m putting out.

I’m met with emptiness.

I’m met with meaningless words and pointless conversations.

Just, nothing like what I’m giving.

And I’ve noticed this a lot since I’ve started to get a bit healthier.

And maybe I’m just being doomy right now.

Maybe I’m getting triggered.

But it’s like people will just take, and take, and the second I have an issue, or something I need to talk about, they change the subject to something about them.

Or they completely ignore or dismiss my comment.

That’s exactly what my ex husband used to do to me too.

That exact same thing.

He would completely dismiss me and my feelings.

Like I’m nothing.

And, now, the cycle continues, and I’m finding friends that treat me the same way.

That’s all I’ve been finding lately.

It’s so fucking isolating.

I legit can not deal with this right now, or fucking ever.

The gal who dismissed me, apologized – just now, as I was writing this.

Because I was sitting here crying, in self loathing about everything, and I had not responded to her since yesterday, and we had been talking nonstop for about a week before that.

I’m pretty sure she’s sincere.

I think she’s actually a nice person, and that’s why I was totally bummed when she brushed off my voices comment and concern yesterday.

I thought of all people, she’d be sympathetic.

And when she wasn’t, it’s like something inside of me just sorta cracked.

(and as the week has progressed she’s actually been very sincere, sweet and supportive – I told her that she invalidated me and she completely and utterly apologized. And I trust her. She said she wants to be my friend. So that felt really good. We’ve been talking a lot and I’ve noticed a sincere difference in our conversations and topics. We’ve actually gotten a lot closer because of it)

It’s just been so hard the past few years.

And ever since, like, 2017, 2018, when my “big break” started…

I don’t really have any friends to count for or on.

And I know it’s starting to fucking get to me.

It makes my chest hurt.

And I just think that I don’t trust people like I used to since my two supposed “best friends” dumped me – for me, out of the blue, with zero explanation.

One via text after 20+ years of friendship, just saying she was “bowing out” of our friendship, and not much else.

The other, after 25+ years, blocked me everywhere the day after we had a very typical hang out session, I mean, everywhere.

So, that sorta broke my trust of folks when I’ve been abandoned time after time by people that supposedly love me, and are my friends.

Anyway…

I had a huge panic attack again last night, Monday night.

I had to take that much medicine again to calm myself down that I had to take on Sunday night.

And I’m not getting down on myself about the medications anymore either.

Never again will I berate myself for my medication use.

They’re merely tools.

They help me – a lot, a lot.

I didn’t even realize how much until I started to take them away.

When I first started working with Brenda, my functional medicine nutritionist, I was trying really hard to come off a lot of my medications.

I was actually trying to get off as many of my medications as I could.

I felt pressured by her to do so.

And I also felt like that’s what she wanted me to do.

Every time we’d talk she’d make these faces when we’d go over my meds.

And she’d ask me if there’s any way I could come down or off of them – all of them, every single time.

But when I did that, when I came down and off of my medications, and any amount of stressors came along…

Immediate episode.

Immediate psychosis.

Immediate piss poor mental health.

So, yeah, no more of that.

Medications it is.

It’s not worth it to me.

At all.

Back up to 12mg of Paliperidone.

Upped the Topiramate to 150mg – 100mg in the morning, 50mg at night.

Which has been extremely helpful for my mood.

Got on an “extended release” 60mg of Propranolol, that I take twice a day; every morning, at 9am, and every evening, at 6pm.

And then a 20mg, “instant release” of Propranolol too, that I can take up to three of, three times a day. 

And that’s just the recent changes from last week.

Back on the Haloperidol as a prn – I’ve taken it 3-4 times within the week this week. 

Fuck it.

I really don’t care, at all.

I’m proud to be on medication at this point – and I haven’t always felt that way.

They help me function.

And honestly, I really don’t give a fuck that I am on them.

It is what it is.

They’re a super useful tool for me.

I”m no longer going to let anyone pressure me to come down or off of my medications, at any point in time.

And if you think that “big pharma” or whatever “has me in their pocket” – you’re fucking right, and I don’t fucking care, ha!

I’m just trying to stay sane here, folks.

I’ve upped my Niacin, 1.5g’s in the morning now.

I’ll go up to that in the morning and evening to 1.5g’s starting on Saturday.

Then three times a day the following Saturday.

Brenda said to use the Niacin in conjunction with my other antipsychotics, so that’s exactly what I’m doing.

She said there’s “no need to suffer”. 

I thought that was big of her.

I honestly wasn’t expecting her to say that after all the pressure she’s put on me in the past to come off of medications.

So that was encouraging.

There is some decent news too.

The Lyrica, or Pregabalin seems to be helping a bit.

It’s taking a little bit of the edge off at least.

Which is helpful for sure.

And the Lyrica, in conjunction with the Turmeric is quite nice, yet quite temporary pain relief.

I have to take the Turmeric pretty often to get the results I want.

Good thing the bags of Turmeric capsules I get have 300 in it.

I’m hoping the nano PRP injections this week don’t hurt as bad as they did last time the weeks following the injections. 

I’m hoping that the second round goes a bit smoother.

I’m also hoping to get the Lyrica upped a bit at my appointment on the 5th here in another week or so.

So there’s that too.

I think it’ll really help.

The thing is, I’m on 50mg’s of Lyrica right now, and I don’t want him to just up it to 75mg’s, which is the next step.

I want him to up it to 100mg, twice a day.

Being a recovering addict, things don’t work as well as they do for the “typical” person, no pain medication does, and I think my doc will understand that when we talk about it.

But I’m still nervous about it.

He may have protocol requirements he needs to stand by, which is my biggest hurdle, if so.

So, I’ll just have to wait and see what happens.

I’m so grateful to have a car again and be able to take myself to my appointments again at least.

It’s now Thursday and I’ve made some doctor appointments yesterday.

I made an endocrinologist appointment for June 16th.

An lumbar MRI appointment for June 26th.

And I got my lab results sent over to the endocrinologist’s office quicker than I thought I would.

I sent the request to my lovely primary care doctor late last night, and by the time I woke up this morning, all of the lab results that I needed were in my gmail inbox.

So, I just called the other office and got their medical records email address and forwarded them over.

My Synthroid refill went through this morning, so that’s getting delivered in another week or so.

So that’s on track.

I’m in a better spot with the online friends now – specifically the one.

She’s very fucking cool.

I was in a real bad spot earlier in the week.

I just get frustrated because it feels like the second I find a good friend, all of these red flags pop up, ya know?

And that’s happening with some of them.

But the one that dismissed me, and then apologized, she’s a keeper, for sure.

I noticed her tone changed after she apologized.

She’s been so much more sincere, so much more… genuine.

We’ve been talking about everything.

Our hallucinations, delusions, life, our chronic pain, hurdles, everything.

It’s been really nice.

And there are two other gals I’ve been talking with who are quite nice as well.

I am glad I reached out in my fb group.

I love that group too, that’s the thing.

I feel safe there.

It’s the only group on fb where I feel safe.

It’s a very supportive group.

Everyone there deals with schizoaffective disorder, or has a loved one who deals with it.

And everyone there is just trying to get through life.

It’s a great group.

As you can tell, the meds all kicked in throughout the week, ha!

The Propranolol has been a huge help.

I can’t believe that just changing it from an “instant release” to an “extended release” would be that big of an impact, but it is.

Huge.

I’m grateful my primary care doctor knows what she’s doing.

Because I don’t.

I started taking the “ER” Propranolol twice a day just yesterday, Wednesday.

And I can already feel another huge difference.

I had only been taking it in the morning since last Wednesday, so it took it a few days to really kick in, for sure.

But, I had messaged my primary care doctor yesterday, and told her I was taking the “ER” in the morning, but still having to take about three of the 20mg “IR” in the evening to calm down for bed.

Then she messaged me back and suggested for me to take another “ER” in the evening, so, I did, last night, around 6pm, so it has fully kicked in by my bedtime, and I actually slept really, really well last night.

So that was a bonus.

I told her yesterday that I’d message her again early next week to let her know how it’s going, but it being the first day and all, so far, so good.

She said if I was liking it, she’d call in a new prescription to the pharmacy so I know I have a refill available when I need it.

She’s seriously the best.

Man I was having a hard time earlier this week.

I tell you what.

It was rough.

Panic attacks every day until Wednesday, when I had therapy and was finally able to go to Life Skills class again (for the first time in 2.5 months)

I do think it’s the “ER” Propranolol kicking in that’s helping me relax a bit.

Which I’m super grateful for.

It’s seriously making a bigger difference than I expected it to make. 

It’s surprising. 

And the Paliperidone is kicking in too.

Going back up to the 12mg’s really made a great difference.

Granted, I’m drooling a little bit again, but it’s worth it.

I feel a lot better.

Because I did that at the beginning of last week too.

I went up to 9mg’s for a couple of days, just like, two days, then right back up to 12mg’s last Tuesday.

So I know it takes a week or so to fully kick in, and my hallucinations haven’t been getting that much better, but my mood, anger, and aggravation has.

And that’s great.

I’m hoping that my psych NP will keep me at 12mg of Paliperidone, but add like 5-10mg’s of Abilify – to help lower my Prolactin levels.

It’s known for being able to do that. – lower Prolactin levels.

He may want to lower my Paliperidone a bit, which I’m open to.

But not lower than 9mg’s.

Because I’ve been on just Abilify before, and it really doesn’t do that much.

I’m just hoping in conjunction with the Paliperidone, it’ll help, and can also help lower my Prolactin levels. 

We’ve talked about it in the past, so hopefully he’ll be okay with it.

It’s now Saturday and I got my nano PRP injections yesterday, and today my knees are not on fire as much as they were the first time.

They hurt, but not as bad as they did the first time.

So, that’s a good thing.

Last time they were fucking terrible.

We’ll see how tomorrow goes tho too, I’m going to take it easy.

I’ve been a fucking rollercoaster lately.

Up and down.

This way and that.

I should’ve never gone down on my meds in the first place.

Lesson learned.

-Keren