I realized that I trailed off in the middle of my last entry.

I started talking about how I got triggered and just sort of ended the entry after that, ha! 

Sorry y’all!

So, now I want to pick up where I left off.

The last episode I had was a classic Keren psychotic episode.

It wasn’t mania like I have previously been told that I deal with, and I’ll tell you why.

I wasn’t euphoric.

At all.

Not even close.

I was much more confused than anything.

My thinking, my mind, was utterly chaotic.

There was miscommunication and misinterpretations that were running rampant all around me.

I was absolutely compulsive and impulsive which could belong to either mania or psychosis.

But I think the big difference is the confusion I feel in the psychotic episode.

And similar to mania, I spent money that I don’t have, and completely regretted that as I cleared up and realized what I did.

But it wasn’t on frivolous things, it was on things I thought might help me or be good for Bruce.

It’s not like I went out gambling like I have in the past.

That’s toxic as fuck.

I just got out of hand with my spending again this time, and I didn’t realize it until it was too late.

Nowadays I get into these pockets of buying supplements mainly, or things that I think will help my arthritis, or my mental health.

And I go on kicks of purchasing things when I get psychotic.

I become erratic and irrational with it, compulsive even.

It’s like all rationality, all of my “stop you don’t need to do that” thoughts simply don’t pop up, and I just buy shit that I think will help me.

They’re usually frivolous things.

Things like a three pack of my joint numbing cream – I’ll use it up for sure, and a three pack was the best deal monetarily, but I didn’t need three of them right now.

I need to take the Amazon app off of my phone.

I’ve been debating it for a while now, but I think it’s time.

And getting back to it, yeah, I had a lot of trouble sleeping during this episode too, just like mania, but unlike mania it’s not like I had tons of energy in place of it.

It’s not like I was up, cleaning the house.

Or writing my book.

Or having fabulous idea after fabulous idea with endless amounts of energy behind it like mania leads to.

It was the opposite.

Because I was psychotic, I was having some negative symptoms too.

I felt excruciatingly lethargic and tired but I couldn’t sleep that well.

I felt flat.

Like I couldn’t feel tired, even though I felt tired, if that makes sense?

I felt as if I was dipped in molasses and then tar and then dipped in ice water or something.

A slowed, sticky, subdued version of myself who just wasn’t all here and couldn’t move that well, or that quickly.

I was exhausted, but I couldn’t sleep that great.

My mind was moving chaotically, rapidly and doomily. 

I felt super fucking off.

I wasn’t super talkative.

I wasn’t super energetic.

All of the classic signs of a manic episode just weren’t really there, but the more subtle signs were.

And I kept trying to figure out what type of episode I was in, not thinking it was psychotic because I wasn’t having my engulfing delusions.

But I don’t have to have my engulfing delusions every time I’m psychotic.

I just couldn’t place what was happening, but I knew something was wrong with me.

I knew something wasn’t right.

I figured it was a depressive episode at first, because that’s what they say to expect with one.

The depression, I thought, was the tell tale sign, the obvious one, and the end all be all.

I figured that’s just what it was.

The simplest answer.

It seemed super straightforward.

Except my hallucinations were getting louder too, and that doesn’t necessarily or even usually happen with a depressive episode with me.

It wasn’t until I started taking the Haloperidol every day, twice a day, for several days, that I started to clear up and it clicked that this was a psychotic episode.

That’s why the Haloperidol is helping – I was psychotic.

I am snapping out of them quicker.

(it took about 3-4 days after I started the Haloperidol)

I am catching them quicker.

(It was 3 weeks as opposed to several months like it has been in the past)

I am still doing some decent sized damage while in them.

(I spent several hundred dollars I don’t have)

I need to learn how to minimize that a bit more, that’s the goal now.

Because spending several hundred dollars on supplements, or numbing cream, and random odds and ends that I’m convinced will help my arthritis, pain levels, or mental illness isn’t realistic.

Sure I can get them, in small quantities, one at a time, over time.

Trying them out or buying them in general isn’t the problem.

But, I don’t need to buy six or seven huge bottles of supplements at a time.

And Bruce doesn’t need more cookies or food, he’s fine.

Granted that was before he was put on his prescription food last weekend, so now I have to give the food and treats to him in small quantities because he can’t have a lot of protein.

(I found out last weekend that he’s in kidney failure, but that’s a whole different entry)

And besides, it seems like half the time he doesn’t like them anyway, he’s so stubbornly picky.

But, good or bad, I learn new things every time I go through shit like this.

Sure the impact of the learning curve hurts sometimes, but it’s an experience all around.

And I didn’t realize that I spend so much money while psychotic, until this last go around.

I mean, I knew I spent money in episodes, but it didn’t register that I do that pretty much exclusively spend during episodes until now.

And it makes way more sense – my bank account does now.

Because another part is lost time and I have not talked about that enough.

I’ve talked about my memory a ton.

How it’s shot, and how I don’t remember the bulk of my life.

But the pockets of lost time while psychotic (or manic, it goes for mania too sometimes) are real and they’re scary looking back.

Because when I get the ability back to reflect, I’ll have blocks of missing time.

5 hours here.

3 hours there.

7 hours over here.

It’s scary looking back because I know that I was functioning and awake and up and doing things.

But I couldn’t tell you what.

And I think honestly the confusion and chaos that I go through is the big difference between my psychotic episodes and what may be considered a “manic” episode.

Because the lost time could go either way – with either episode.

But I don’t get any sort of rush of energy with my psychosis.

I never have.

I don’t get super focused or creative.

Quite the opposite in fact.

I don’t feel like I could take on the world, unless I’m knee deep in a delusion.

And then that IS hard to differentiate between psychotic and manic.

Because is this mania? or is this a delusion?

Yet my delusions are much more disorganized, but then again, mania can be extremely disorganized too.

And I think that’s where a lot of my disconnect layered in for a long time, between the two.

Because my psych doctors would ask me if I get manic and for the most part, besides the euphoria, everything sounded so similar to what I go through.

Super, super similar.

But I always knew there was something missing – a huge part was missing.

That key feature being the euphoria.

Of being “up”.

But I got that a lot of times with the drugs I would use to cover up my symptoms, so I was unable to tell the difference between what was a natural “up” versus a high at the time.

Or I was scared to talk about it.

Or I didn’t really think they were connected.

Really, like, all of the above, and then some.

I guess I didn’t really understand what non drug induced euphoria feels like.

And I still don’t.

And I was scared to admit that I didn’t feel that because then, what did that mean?

Did that mean that I’m not bipolar?

Because I do have “ups” and “downs”.

I’m a fucking rollercoaster.

And they’re pretty fucking extreme.

But most of the time I’m much more scared and confused during an episode than anything.

And sad, I get extremely sad too.

I feel like everyone is going to leave me and hate me suddenly.

Probably because that’s happened in my life, several times, in the past.

Seemingly randomly, people abandon me via text or not even that, sometimes they just block me everywhere and just bounce out of my life after decades of “friendship”.

But I get terrified of the way people start talking to me.

Because I constantly hear people, my voices, talking about me, to my face, thinking it’s the people around me.

So confusion reigns in my episodes.

My paranoia twists people’s words and misinterprets entire conversations.

And I do think psychotic episodes and mania have a ton in common really.

I mean, shit, you can have mania and depression, which are bipolar symptoms, with hallucinations and delusions even – so you can have mania and depression with psychotic symptoms even.

So they’re all interchangeable, and distressing, and confusing, and destructive.

All of them.

There’s no “easy” symptom to have, they’re all terrible.

But I do think that the misinterpretations, miscommunications, the lethargy, and flat affect has more to do with psychosis than mania, so, there are slight differences.

I’m just figuring them out myself.

And I’m grateful for the steps I’m able to take today.

I’m so glad I was able to pull myself out of this fucking hole this time.

It’s not always that easy.

-Keren