I had a really good weekend.

I’m feeling less anxious from the Honda’s airbags randomly deploying as the days pass.

I’m noticing I’m still on edge a bit.

I’m still needing my PRN anxiety medication, Clonazepam, 0.5 mg, a little bit this week.

But, all in all, I am starting to feel more grounded as the days pass.

Bruce is too, which has been wonderful to see.

The weekend helped for sure.

We went to my parent’s house this last weekend.

They sorta live in the middle of nowhere, and it’s nice to go out there and just hang out.

It’s relaxing.

But coming back into town yesterday, Monday, my responsibilities and tasks came right back to the surface and the anxiety started back up full force when I saw the Honda.

It’s okay though.

I keep telling myself that this is a temporary feeling.

It’ll pass eventually.

I think I’ll feel better after I clean out the Pilot.

I’m gonna do that on Friday this week.

I’ve already called a few junkyards to see what they’ll give me and it’s comparable to trying to sell it.

So I’m still not really quite sure what I’m going to do with it yet.

But I need to get the couple of things I have in the trunk and in the glove box, out of it.

And I need to take the registration off of it soon too.

Anyway, onto the topic at hand.

I’ve been talking a lot about my supplements lately, but I haven’t done a medication update in over six months.

So, it’s time for one.

The exciting thing is, I’m coming off of and down on some medications.

I’m tapering off my Topiramate, 100mg daily, I’ll be off of that on Tuesday.

I’ll also be off my Methotrexate on Tuesday too.

Which I used to take 6, 2.5mg tablets weekly of that.

Tuesday is the day of my last dose for both of them.

Which is exciting and a touch concerning all at once.

Coming off of my immunosuppressants has been easier now than it has been in the past, so that’s a bonus.

I’ve been coming off of them slower than I’ve tried to in the past.

So, I think that’s really been helpful.

But I’m scared of my inflammation levels, because I know what they can do.

I know they can skyrocket at any point.

But, I’m just hoping my diet changes are good enough to help aid my immune system in the way that it needs to feel, and cope better, without the medications.

I’ve been off the Hydroxychloroquine, 200mg twice a day, for about a month now too – the other immunosuppressant.

I came off of that because it can cause irreversible retina damage and my optometrist said if he were me, he wouldn’t be on it.

I only have the one good eye.

So I came off of that immediately after he said that to me.

I came down on my Propranolol.

I’m now on two, 10mg tablets a day.

Down from two, 20mg tablets a day.

I’m hoping to come down to taking it just at nighttime soon too.

I know my blood pressure has been way better the past few months.

I’m continuing to monitor it and if it keeps staying low and in the normal range, I’ll move it to just at night here in a few weeks.

Being on the Niacin really helps lower my blood pressure, along with curbing my hallucinations.

It’s quite a lovely side effect.

The other medication I’ve come off of recently is Celecoxib, 200mg daily, an anti-inflammatory.

I didn’t feel as though it was doing much anymore, especially after cutting out the inflammatory foods, so I asked my doctor if it was necessary for me to stay on it, and he said it is absolutely not.

He said I could even just take it when I’m feeling inflamed and keep it at that.

So that’s what I’m doing.

I stopped taking it daily.

And I actually haven’t taken it since.

And it’s been about two, two and a half months now.

I came off of Trazodone, 100mg daily, quite a few months ago too.

I think it was November of last year, actually.

It was to help me sleep, and did help, but it was making me so fucking drowsy during the day, I just couldn’t take it anymore.

Then there’s the Haloperidol, I was on 5mg twice a day.

I came off of that a month or two ago now.

I can use this as a PRN as well, if I’d like, but I luckily haven’t had to since getting on the therapeutic dose of Niacin.

And lastly, as of today, Tuesday, I’ve come down to 9mg of Paliperidone from the 12mg I was taking for the past several years.

That is the most exciting one!

But I came down on it for two reasons…

Firstly, because I’ve been doing so well on the Niacin and Vitamin C regimen.

Secondly, because my primary care doctor told me that if my high prolactin levels didn’t come down soon, I need a brain/pituitary gland MRI.

And I really, really don’t want to do that.

I hate MRI’s.

I know it’s my choice to get it, and I don’t have to have one if I don’t want to.

But I’d rather try to come down on the Paliperidone, do blood work again, and see if that resolves the issue first.

And I’m 99% sure that my prolactin levels are high because of the antipsychotics.

When I came off of the Haloperidol, my prolactin levels came down by 30 points.

Which is a huge decrease.

And I only need them to come down another 6-8 points to be within the normal range.

So, I’m hoping the lowering of the Paliperidone does the trick.

And I really feel as though I don’t need the maximum dose anymore either.

I think I’ll be good by taking a chance, and coming down on it bit by bit.

I’d love to come down on it more, as long as I tolerate this step well.

But we’ll take it slowly.

I’m still on 9 medications total.

That’s after the ones I’ve mentioned are done, mind you.

The rest are…

My Synthroid/Levothyroxine, 300mcg’s daily, for my hypothyroidism. 

Then I have my Suboxone or Buprenorphine/Naloxone, 8-2mg, three times a day, which is my pain and recovery medication.

My recovery doctor wants me to come down on this within the next 4-6 months too.

I’m scared to, but I’ll follow his instructions.

He said we’ll talk about it before doing anything too drastic.

I’m really just scared my cravings for opiates and substances will come back if I drop my dose too much.

It’s tricky.

And then there’s Duloxetine, 90mg daily – which was a gamechanger, really.

I don’t plan on coming off of that one any time soon.

It’s the only antidepressant I’ve been on that actually works, and doesn’t make me feel super numb or zombie like.

I can still laugh, and I can still cry, I can still feel inbetween.

And it helps so much so with my pain levels, so it’s a win-win really.

I love it.

I’m on Glycopyrrolate, 1mg daily, seasonally.

It helps with my uncontrolled sweating, and helps quite a bit. 

Then there’s also Tizanidine, 4mg, twice a day, which is a muscle relaxer, and is the only one I’ve found that doesn’t make me super tired or angry.

In fact, I have no visible side effects from it, and it helps tremendously with my back and leg pain. 

And the last medication I’m on, which, it’s fitting that it’s last because I take it at bedtime for my nightmares, is Prazosin, 1mg daily.

Those are all of my medications right now.

I’m grateful that I’ve been able to come off of some, and down on others.

I’ve come off of six medications within the last six months.

That’s fucking epic.

I’m glad that I’m no longer putting all of that into my body.

I feel better.

I’m feeling lighter in my step.

Less lethargic.

Well, I’m still exhausted all the time.

But even that has been much more tolerable since cutting out gluten, sugar, dairy, soy and corn.

And it’s gotten even better when I cut out the Haloperidol.

I’m hoping with the reduction in my Paliperidone that it’ll help in that area too.

And that I’ll stop drooling so much out of the right corner of my mouth.

It’s a ridiculous side effect.

Makes me feel like a fucking toddler.

I’ve noticed that since I started seeing the functional medicine nutritionist, Brenda, and since the diet and supplement changes I’ve made with her have made such a huge impact on me, that I’m trusting traditional doctors less and less.

I mean, I see good doctors – I have a good team.

The four that I see on a semi-regular basis are really, really good.

I see my general practitioner a couple of times a year. 

My pain doctor when I need him, which usually ends up being every few months or every four months or so. 

My recovery doctor who prescribes my Suboxone – I talk to him once a month.

And then my psych NP I see every three months.

I really have a great medical team on my side nowadays.

They’re all more holistic than most.

They understand that my diet and supplements make a huge difference on my emotions and pain levels.

They sincerely care about how I’m doing.

And none of them want me on a ton of different medications.

They want me to be on the minimum allowable for me to be comfortable, and lead a healthy life.

They don’t overprescribe, and they wouldn’t even if I wanted them to.

They listen to what I have to say, and answer my questions honestly.

I feel grateful for that.

I really have found some great physicians here.

And I’m grateful that today, that I don’t blindly believe doctors like that shitty Rheumatologist – giving lazy, incorrect diagnoses.

I used to just go with whatever the doctors said.

I think that’s apparent with how many medications I was on at one point.

And I was like that for at least a decade and a half, if not two.

I’d just tell them what was going on, and take what they’d give me.

No questions asked.

Next thing I know, I have edema in both of my legs, I feel like shit, I’m tired and cranky all the time.

And I had diarrhea for decades.

And instead of changing my diet, I just blamed all of the medications I was on.

Figuring, that’s what was doing it.

Not one doctor talked to me about changing my diet to resolve that, or any issue.

It was more tests.

It was more imaging.

It was more prescriptions.

And before I knew it, I was on like, 17 medications.

Granted, 2 or 3 of them were PRN’s, but still, that’s absurd for someone my age.

For anyone, but especially someone in their 30’s.

So, 9 isn’t all that bad comparatively.

And one of those is a PRN too.

So it’s really more like 8 prescriptions that I take regularly, and even one of those is seasonal.

And I know that’s still a lot to some.

But it’s my reality.

I’m down to bare bones for me.

For me, 8 medications is great – especially considering where I was just last year.

Maybe someday, I can come all the way off of Propranolol.

Hopefully someday, my blood pressure will level off, and be reasonable without assistance, after I lose a few more pounds.

But it’s helpful for my anxiety too, so I don’t know if I really want to stop taking it all together.

And I just came back on the Glycopyrrolate for the season just the other week.

It’s so helpful.

I have Hyperhidrosis, and I get easily embarrassed about how much I sweat for no fucking reason.

So the Glycopyrrolate really helps curb that in the summer.

And the rest of the medication is medically necessary for my pain levels and mental illness issues.

So, I’m happy with where I’m at medication wise now.

Maybe someday I’ll be able to come off or down on more medications.

Especially the Paliperidone.

I’m hoping to come down one more dose on that soon, if I can tolerate this change, maybe I could take just a bit less even still.

But for right now, I’m grateful to be coming off of some, and down on others where I am responsibly able to.

Really, my hypothyroidism, mental illness, and pain/recovery medications are non-negotiable.

I’d be dead without them.

I looked up what to expect coming down on my Paliperidone this weekend.

I was expecting it to say maybe something like; you may get a headache, you may have more energy, you may have reemerging hallucinations, but you also may feel less foggy.

Instead it was filled with doom, death, and fucking destruction.

Google says…

“Physical: Nausea, vomiting, diarrhea, tremors, shakiness, dizziness, headaches, muscle aches (myalgia), and sweating. Psychiatric/Neuro: Anxiety, irritability, insomnia, vivid dreams, nightmares, restlessness, and severe agitation. Movement Issues: Increased risk of tardive dyskinesia (uncontrolled movements of face/tongue) or akathisia (extreme inner restlessness).”

All of it is negative.

All of it.

Not one positive thing to be said coming down a bit on a dose of Paliperidone.

Makes me wonder who’s behind the search engines.

Is it the pharmaceutical companies?

They put the fear of the worst case scenario in your head so you’ll just stay on the higher dose that you’re on.

Keep pulling the money in on the refills.

Maybe I’m being too cynical now.

But I just don’t trust it.

The only site I found that had even the slightest bit of positivity was an antipsychotic/antidepressant tapering clinic. 

Where you go inpatient and come off your psych medications.

Even that is a fucking depressing thought though.

To have to go inpatient to have to get off your psych medications, shit.

I’m grateful I don’t feel the need to go somewhere like that.

But I’m not coming off my medication all together, I’m just coming down a dose.

So, I should be good.

But, like that site says, I’m going to keep the tv shows and music light for the next week or so.

Keep my surroundings away from dark, depressing, triggering things.

That’ll help the transition, I’m sure.

I found another tapering clinic site that said “What matters most is knowing that discomfort doesn’t mean something is “wrong.” It usually means the nervous system is adjusting—and that adjustment takes time.”

Which I find reassuring.

It’s now a few days later – two days, to be exact, and I’ve been quite tired.

My therapist said she thinks it’s from my body trying to catch up with all of the medication changes.

And I think she’s right – because that one site said basically the same thing.

My body is trying to find equilibrium again.

It’s being bounced around, and it’s probably trying to figure out just what the hell I’m doing.

But just like the anxiety, it’ll pass.

I just have to be mindful about what I’m eating, stay on my other medications and supplements, and sleep when I can.

I’m being especially nice to myself this week.

I feel like that’s important all the time, but the next week or so, it’s really important.

Sometimes it’s hard to give myself grace.

That’s a project within itself.

But I think I’m doing alright.

– Keren