I’m angry this week.

Frustrated is maybe a better word.

I know it’s from the anesthetics last week.

I know it is.

It’s always like this.

After every procedure.

I really wish it wasn’t like this though.

It’s super annoying.

Because I have like four or five more procedures to go.

And that’s fucking daunting.

And that’s just on my legs.

By the time the sixth month rolls around, it’ll be time for another back ablation too.

And I’ll have to deal with anesthesia yet again for that too.

Every single time it pisses me off for a week to ten days or so.

The drugs that they use to put me under fuck with me hardcore.

And they seemingly stay in my system for a surprisingly long time.

I don’t have a choice though.

It’s not like I can be awake during them.

That’s not an option.

I’m tired.

I know it’s from being angry – frustrated.

I think it’s also because I’ve been deep cleaning my apartment in stages and continuing to have to walk 10 minutes every hour for my vein ablation after care too.

I’m just achy and tired.

I had to lift my couch up several fucking times, by myself the week before last.

I’ve had these fucking bugs in my apartment, and there were crumbs under one of the stilts that my couch sits on.

Well, under two of them really.

The crumbs were from Bruce burying his cookies in his bed and blanket in that corner.

That silly dog!

So, I had to lift them up and sweep under them, and then toss the bottom, shorter stilts out.

I kept the taller ones there, the ones that weren’t in contact with the crumbs.

Thank fuck I could keep them at least!

I need my couch to be elevated a bit.

But I was super sore for several days after that.

More like a week and then some, really, because I’m still fucking feeling it.

I was limping most of the day Saturday and Sunday last week, while cleaning under my bed and behind the tv stand.

I was moving out some of the empty boxes from under the bed.

I save boxes from appliances that I buy, but there were two big ones and a couple smaller ones under there that I didn’t need anymore.

I got it done.

But it wasn’t easy.

I can’t believe it – with these bugs, I never realized how much of a cookie hoarder Bruce is.

He hoards his treats and cookies like nothing I’ve ever seen before!

There were some behind the tv stand when I moved it to clean behind it last Monday!

Like, how does that happen?!

It’s nowhere near his bed, or blankets, and I’ve never seen him nose anything under, or to the side of it before.

It’s wild!

He’s wild!

He has to do it while I’m sleeping.

So I stopped setting any treats out at night.

And I’m now making sure he has no access to any cookies or treats before bedtime.

I mean, I figure he does most of this hiding and “burying” while I’m asleep.

Because I don’t see it that often.

And not anywhere near where I found some of them.

And I told him that I cleared the cookies out from behind the tv stand, and he put his ears back and sighed at me, ha!

Like, you silly dog!

Wow…

No wonder why the bugs were loving this place.

And we’ve never been in a place this long, as long as we’ve been here.

The longest we’ve lived in an apartment was the one in Montana for like three years, but now we’ve surpassed that, and he’s older now, with more anxious behaviors, probably because of me and my psychosis.

He lived through that with me too.

And here there are more places to hide things here.

In a way, I could’ve used some help with all of this cleaning.

I did have a few people offer.

But I turned them down.

It’s quite embarrassing.

I’ve not cleaned, cleaned for a long time.

I mean, I surface clean.

And I keep the kitchen and toilet clean.

But I hadn’t deep cleaned since a year after moving in really.

And I didn’t realize how much of a mess Bruce had made over the years.

And that’s totally on me.

120% on me.

But it’s clearing up now and that’s what matters.

The issue is getting resolved.

It is resolved.

And I wasn’t the one who brought the bugs in. 

They just found me.

But it does make me sad though, because someone at my therapist’s office was going to help me find someone to help me clean.

A professional.

And they never did.

It just makes me feel forgotten more than anything.

And doesn’t help my frustration issues this week.

I mean, I’m doing it all.

It’s my mess, I’ll clean it, it’s fine.

I figured no one would be able to help.

And I honestly didn’t really want anyone to help, not really.

And like I said, it’s embarrassing anyway.

That’s why I started last week and have been doing a little bit every day.

Slow and steady wins the race type of thing.

But it just makes me feel like an afterthought.

It’s a shitty feeling.

I mean, they said they felt bad today (it’s Monday).

But I told them I have it handled now.

Because all that’s left to do is sweep and mop.

And I did the bathroom and the kitchen today.

So all that’s left is the living room.

Which will take all of 20 minutes.

The hardest part is the motion of it.

And lifting up of the water bucket.

I just have to not fill it up too full is all.

Work smarter, not harder, right?

I even preened my plants back.

One of them needs to be repotted but I don’t know if I should sell it or repot it.

I just put it on facebook marketplace. 

Fuck it.

It’s now Wednesday and as the week goes on my anger and frustration is fading.

It literally lasts about a week after my procedures – after I get anesthetics, every. single. time.

It’s fucking bizarre.

Oh!

I had my psych NP appointment on Tuesday last week and I was really, really excited about it when I left.

He let me keep my Haloperidol at twice a day, at 5mg.

He let me keep my Paliperidone where it was, at 12mg a day. 

He kept me at 90mg of Duloxetine, and said there’s another 30mg we can go up if I need it.

He kept my Clonazepam as a prn and told me to call when I need a refill.

And he let me stay on the Prazosin right now, for my nightmares.

He told me the Prazosin can be discontinued at any time without a taper too, so that’s great.

He really listened to me this time.

I told him all about everything the last three months (since I last saw him).

How Bruce the dog has been diagnosed with kidney failure (I started crying with that one).

How the bugs have been in my apartment and the battle with that and my past exposure to bugs as a kid.

And the procedures and the anesthetics, and how much the anesthesia affects me, emotionally.

And then also the physical toll the procedures are taking on me, the aftercare walking, and the actual procedure, the shutting down of the veins themselves and whatnot.

He said no doubt that the anesthesia is adding to my psychosis symptoms.

I told him after everything is done procedure wise, I have no problem reevaluating the Haloperidol and Prazosin.

And he was content with that.

Honestly I was shocked.

I thought he’d put up a fight!

But he didn’t at all.

He usually tries to keep me on as little medications as possible, which I appreciate.

But this time he was warm and responsive and open to my issues and medication concerns.

He told me about a dog he had once that he had to rehome and felt awful about, and how he kept calling the place the dog got sent to, to make sure it got rehomed okay.

He was telling me how hard it is to lose dog, how attached we get to them.

I thought it was sweet of him.

He’s rarely that personable.

Even my blood pressure was through the roof and I told him I just had to do my assessment for care (it’s a state run clinic and they “rate” your level of care by degrees or some sort of something, mine was the same as it was last year, no changes in level of care).

And during the assessment they ask about suicide ideations, they ask about hallucinations, they ask about trauma and hospitalizations.

They ask if it’s “mild” “moderate” or “severe” for each one.

And there’s like 25 questions.

It’s intense, to say the least.

And I had just had that right before he took my blood pressure.

And my blood pressure was like 156/108 – through the roof, basically.

And he was concerned, until I told him I had just done that assessment.

When I told him he smiled and laughed and said, “mine would be very high too then!”

I’m pretty sure he had just gotten back from vacation the day before.

So I need to schedule my psych appointments for when he gets back from vacation more often, ha!

It was really, really nice to finally feel a good rapport with my psych NP here.

I usually get along great with my psychiatrists, so it’s been a struggle the last few years not getting along with him and a different gal I had there, before him.

So I’m grateful for that relationship today.

I’m grateful for my therapist too.

She’s literally the best therapist I’ve ever had.

She’s observant and she remembers things that I forget I’ve told her.

She’s amazing.

I don’t think I’d be where I’m at right now without her.

Anyway, as the week has gone on, the anger and frustrations have regressed again and I’m feeling a bit better.

I know the positive psych NP visit helped immensely.

I stayed at my parents house again the week while the exterminator sprayed and I’m so grateful for them too.

I don’t know where I’d be without them.

Lost and still in psychosis somewhere in Colorado probably.

But today I have some lucidity.

And I’m eternally grateful for that.

-Keren