I was having a brunch date with someone Saturday (it went really well!) and he reminded me that people only have so much capacity to deal with things, or to be there for others.

Whatever things those may be.

Whatever people those may be.

Whatever situations those may be.

He said this is why having friends is so important.

You can go to different people with different requests or different needs when you know someone else doesn’t have the capacity for it.

I thanked him for saying this, because I do forget how incredibly important that is.

I get frustrated with people because they don’t have the capacity to show up for me in ways that I need them to, when I need them to.

Well, the thing is that they’re literally unable to show up for me in those ways.

They just can’t.

No matter how hard they try to, they can’t.

It’s not that they won’t.

Or don’t want to.

They probably want to.

It’s that they can’t.

And that’s a tough pill to swallow at times.

Especially when I’m hurting.

We all have certain people that are really important in our life.

There are certain people that I love to turn to when I’m upset or confused or angry or whatever.

And I want these people to want to be there for me.

To say the right things.

I want these people to want to help me in any way that they can.

I’m there for them.

Anytime they need me I will be there for them.

That’s just who I am.

Unless I don’t have the capacity that day.

See how that works?

What if I had been dealing with hallucinations for a few days and someone texted me about their suicidal ideations?

That would be too much at that point in time.

But me being me, I would be direct yet kind.

I would say something like; “I’m so sorry to hear that you are struggling. I understand how difficult that is, I have been there many times. Unfortunately, I am not in a good mental space myself either. I have been having hallucinations the past few days and feel disconnected. I do not have the capacity to help you today. Tomorrow may be different. I encourage you to reach out to someone else. If I feel better later on today I will text you. Right now I also need to take care of myself. Please be kind to yourself. Get a coffee. Watch crappy tv. Pet a dog. Take a nap. Self care. I love you.”

See how that works?

Validation and communication.

It would probably be a much much longer text than that in real life, but you get the idea.

Part of my problem is that I expect people to be like me in their response.

To respond the ways I would respond.

And that’s an expectation.

And that’s seriously just not realistic.

It’s not feasible, at all.

And I did realize, through this conversation, that I do, absolutely, still hold expectations on people.

Especially my family.

And expectations lead to resentments.

Period.

I expect people to show up for me in every and all ways.

And I want them to want to be there for me in every and all ways.

And they probably do want to be there for me in every and all ways.

But what if they’re just not able to be there for me when I need them to be.

What if it’s just not written like that?

That they are literally unable to show up for me in that way.

And mind you, when I say ”in every and all ways” I really just mean validation (and a heart to heart conversation for myself, personally).

Validation goes a long fucking way, right?

By validating someone’s experience and someone’s feelings, you’re acknowledging their troubles, struggles, pain, suffering, grief, happiness, elation, humor, all of it, right?

Talking, texting and communication goes a long way with me when I’m upset.

And everyone has their own version of validation.

Someone else might just want a hug.

Or to be sat next to while crying or something.

Everyone’s version is different.

I used to get so frustrated with an old best friend.

How she could never handle me when I was having a breakdown.

I mean I would be in total melt down mode and I would call her, crying.

When I was at my worst, she was useless.

I realized, with having this conversation about capacity, that she was literally unable to handle that situation.

She was unable to process what was going on and help me.

She didn’t have the capacity to help me in those moments.

Not when I was like that.

Not when I was crying and hysterical.

Every time that I would break down, she would freeze.

And it’s clear as day now.

It was a pattern.

Whether that was from her past experiences within her family, or her issues within herself, I don’t know.

But she would literally freeze.

All I know is right then I was just reaching out to my best friend and I would get so fucking confused as to why she couldn’t just be there for me.

Why she couldn’t just talk to me and comfort me when I needed her.

Why she couldn’t just tell me everything’s going to be okay.

And that I’m not wrong.

And that I have validity and that she sees me and that everything is actually fine, I’m just having a bad moment.

The thing is, I would turn to her every time.

And every time she could not handle it.

And every time it would make me MORE upset.

And I would still call her every time.

I know that’s why she “bowed out” (her words) of my life.

I know that’s why she left me after over 20 years of friendship.

Well, it’s a big reason why she left.

But I didn’t see it till literally today.

‘Till just now.

I didn’t get it that she couldn’t just fucking be there for me and tell me everything’s going to be okay.

That’s all I wanted to hear.

But I never told her that.

I’ve never uttered those words to her.

She didn’t know this.

She doesn’t know this.

And she never will know this because she cut me out of her life years ago now.

I should’ve turned to someone else.

I should’ve had a better therapist, or a therapist, at the time.

Because she couldn’t be there in that way for me.

I should’ve turned to a professional in all honesty.

I don’t know how I didn’t see this till now.

Besides myself not having the capacity to see it till now!

See how that works?!

I can think of countless times I was relying on someone but they didn’t have the capacity to show up in the ways I needed them to.

My marriage.

That was another big one.

He didn’t have the capacity to be there for me in the ways or times that I needed him to be. 

And I left him because I remember a friend and I had a conversation about his capacity a couple of weeks prior.

I remember she said what if this is all he has to give?

What if this is the best it’s going to get?

And she was so fucking right.

So fucking dead on.

That was the best it was going to get.

He was just going to keep telling me I was exaggerating about my mental illness.

He wasn’t going to ever take me seriously.

He was never going to let me really work on myself the ways I needed to.

And grow the way I needed and wanted to grow.

He was going to continue to hold me back.

He would never have the capacity to love me the way I needed him to love me.

And that wasn’t going to work for me anymore.

And I knew that.

So I left him.

I had to.

I had no other choice.

There are so many situations I’ve been in where I thought someone just straight up didn’t love me because they couldn’t show up for me in the ways that I needed them to.

But now that I think about it, they literally weren’t able to show up for me in that way, or in those ways.

And now that I think about it that’s not fair at all.

That’s holding an expectation against someone that they have no knowledge of.

That they can’t even work on or acquire because they don’t know that it’s even out there.

And I’ve been seeking out the wrong people, but that’s a whole different entry.

I don’t know who to seek out then, that will have to come with more work on myself.

I’m getting to a point where I have an idea of what I don’t need, and what I don’t want, so that’s a bonus.

It’s wild to me to have these conversations with people and have it explode my brain like this.

So, anyway, now I’m on a quest to make more friends down here and finally get out of my protective shell.

It’s time.

I need to trust myself and my progress at this point in time.

Because I’m doing so much better than I ever have been in my adult life.

I’m not the same person I was a few years ago.

And as much as I want to send this in an email or text message to my ex best friend, telling her that I think I finally get it, i have to remind myself that she left me when I was at my worst.

And I don’t want friends that bail on me when times get really tough.

I want friends who will love me through the hard times.

I know psychosis is scary and unpredictable at times, but that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve love and friendship and relationships of all sorts.

I just need to keep my side of the street clean, and be careful of the expectations I’m putting into others.

I also need to be aware of other people’s capacities and their abilities to be there for me.

Life isn’t that fair, but I can stay as fair as possible in my mind.

-Keren