Again, I’m going to talk about my last psychotic episode.

The one I had that ended last week, er, the week before, now.

It lasted longer than I thought.

Well, it started further back than I originally thought.

I went and looked back at my blog entries and I started writing about wanting to isolate at the end of May.

I published it on May 24th, so it had been going on that week.

And I do know that’s part of my prodromal phase, isolating is.

So, yeah, this episode was longer than I originally thought.

It probably averaged about the same amount of time that they usually do, about 6-8 weeks, before I caught it.

I guess I did catch it a little bit quicker than I normally do, maybe by a couple of weeks.

Because usually they go on for several months before I catch them, and this one went on for about a month, month and a half, before I knew something was really wrong.

And I did get on Haloperidol quicker this time around.

So the episode stopped a lot quicker than they have in the past.

So that’s a good thing.

Baby steps.

All progress is good progress with catching these episodes quicker.

I want to get to a point where I can catch them as they’re starting, but that’s just gonna take practice.

Oh, and to get into the entry and sorta change the subject but not really. 

I’m gonna spring this on y’all; I don’t think I’m bipolar, at all.

The fuck?!?

Right?!?

I think I have schizoaffective disorder, depressive type, not the bipolar type that I’m diagnosed with now.

And I’ll tell you why.

Similar take from one sentence in my The Difference Between A Manic and A Psychotic Episode entry – which is where I sorta realized this.

I realized while talking about that entry that I wrote, that I’ve never had a manic episode that wasn’t drug induced.

Ever.

See, when I was using, and the doc would ask if I have ever had a manic episode, I would say “yes”.

I was once told that mania can also look like explosive, out of the norm anger in some too, and not necessarily euphoria.

So I went off of that.

And also I was thinking that drug induced episodes count.

And also I was honestly thinking that my psychotic episodes were really manic episodes too.

Not understanding the differences between the two until very, very recently.

Like this week, like today, recent.

So the doc’s were always under the impression that I was answering truthfully and honestly, and so was I, until today.

Today is Thursday, July 24, 2025, and in group today I was talking about the blog entry that I just mentioned above, the second to last one that I posted.

I was talking about how I was writing about the differences between manic and psychotic episodes in the entry.

And it really fucking slapped me in the face as I was talking in group.

I’ve never had a manic episode, or even a hypomanic episode, ever, without drugs being involved, prior to being clean.

Wait for it.

And I have not once had an episode, even resembling a manic or hypomanic episode, since I’ve been clean, in the last four plus years.

I’ve had plenty of them while using, of course.

What the fuck?

And I got curious right before group, and was looking through my mood app and noticed I have never, ever used the mood that is above “good”.

The one that’s labeled “rad“ or “manic” and bright, bright green.

I’ve never used it.

Not once in over three years have I even touched it.

And that’s the data point I can use for my psych NP, who I plan on bringing all this up to at my next appointment at the end of August.

There are a few more I can use too, but that’s a huge one.

It’s funny, because my therapist is going on vacation for the next two weeks starting this Monday, and I had my session with her just before group – just before I had this realization.

So I texted her a few hours ago, right when I got home, right after group.

I told her that I was mind blown in the text, because I really don’t think I’m bipolar at all.

I told her all about how I realized this in group just now, that I think that diagnosis has always been wrong, even though it’s followed me around since my late teens, early twenties.

(even though my first diagnosis was actually depression around age twelve)

But I told her that I’ve never had a creative, tons of energy burst like mania causes, that wasn’t drug induced.

I also told her that I’m so sorry that I had to text her this long ass paragraph, and bug her right after our session, but I couldn’t hold this in until she got back.

It’s too much to hold in for that long.

I also needed her to know that I was going to write something up for my psych NP and bounce it off of her before my appointment with him at the end of August.

She instantly called me after reading my text.

Like, within 5 minutes of me sending it to her.

She said she wanted to touch base with me before she got home and got busy with her family and got completely sidetracked.

She said that now that I say that, she couldn’t agree more.

She told me that she’s never seen me behave manic, or ever have any manic or even hypomanic tendencies.

She said that she agrees with my mood app, that looking back, I’ve never been manic in the three, almost four years that she’s known me.

And we’ve worked together almost every week for practically the entire time. 

Just taking the last year or eight months or so to work with someone else while she was out on maternity leave for part of that time.

She went on to say that she supports me 100%, and she’ll help me get this information to my psych NP in any way I’m comfortable with. 

She said that she’s more than happy to hear what I’ve written for him before the appointment with him, so she can help me get the wording just right.

And she said she really called me right away because she wanted to make sure I was feeling okay after this realization.

Because really, that’s a huge fucking mind shift.

To not be bipolar anymore?!

Like, what?!

I told her I feel like there’s a balloon in my belly that’s full of helium that just expanded when I was telling her all of this.

Like a huge weight has been lifted off of me, but exclusively in my gut.

She said she thinks that’s a good sign.

Because as scary as it is to be labeled with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder, it’s even scarier to be diagnosed with something that’s never fit quite right.

Because I’ve been labeled bipolar over half of my life.

It has become a part of me – a whole section of my identity.

So, now what?

I believe I’m schizoaffective, depressive type, at least, I’m pretty sure.

I mean, we’ll see what Alex, the psych NP says.

He may shoot me down, but I’m going to print out some of my graphs and data for him, for sure.

My yearly data points are the most compelling, because I don’t have the “rad” “on point” or “manic” moods on there at all.

Not once.

There’s nothing over a regular, “good” ”okay” or “decent” mood in just over three years.

So instead of unstable moods being a big part of my identity, which they have been for so long. 

I do believe I’m on the schizophrenia spectrum of disorders.

It’s my psychotic episodes that are causing the emotional disturbances, not mania.

It’s paranoia that’s causing a lot of my anxiety.

It’s the disorganized thinking that’s causing my mood swings – because if the confusion and chaotic thoughts.

It makes way more sense to me and my past diagnoses.

They’re all summed up into one this way even more succinctly.

And not that that’s my entire identity, my diagnosis, but I’ve labeled myself as bipolar socially and internally for many, many years.

And it’s an odd relief to not be tied to that anymore.

Again, we’ll see what my psych NP says too next month.

And it is tough because the schizophrenia spectrum of disorders comes with a heftier, much more intense phrasing and is much more stigmatized, “loaded”, and misunderstood set of diagnoses.

It’s some that folks shy away from quite a bit quicker than bipolar disorder.

Bipolar is seemingly more socially acceptable.

So it is a scary realization in a way, yet extremely freeing in a really big way too.

And honestly it never crossed my mind that that’s a possibility that I could NOT even be bipolar, until today.

Until just now.

And it hit me like a fucking freight train.

But I told my therapist, Hannah, I said, I feel lighter in my belly right now, when she asked me how I was feeling about all of this.

It’s like a humongous weight has been lifted off of my gut by coming to this conclusion.

It’s bizarre feeling.

Because it all makes so much fucking sense now.

My Major Depressive Disorder diagnosis that’s followed me since preteen years – my deep seeded depression and darkness I’ve felt since age 11 or 12.

And I never in a million years would’ve thought that I’m not bipolar.

But today, I sincerely don’t think that I am.

The big difference, the docs always say, is the manic or hypomanic episodes.

That euphoria.

The chattyness, that “up” feeling, the creative, million miles an hour energy.

And yes, I have been told that anger episodes can be considered mania, but that was a while ago, and I don’t know how much water that actually holds.

Because it has to be out of the ordinary.

And my anger is pretty steady.

Sure I have days where I’m more angry than others, but that’s totally normal.

The more I reflect on it, I have never had any “out of the ordinary” irritated, elevated moods for days at a time.

Because the whole deal with mania and hypomania is the euphoria and the feelings like you’re super creative and running 580mph and nothing can stop you.

And I’ve literally never, ever felt that without drug use being involved.

So here I go.

Onward again.

I’m going to write up my speech for my appointment with Alex, the psych NP.

And make sure my data points are the correct ones.

I know Hannah will help me with all of this.

I know she knows my realization is right – that’s why she called me straight away.

I’m fucking blown. away.

I don’t think I’m bipolar.

And I’m fucking mindblown.

– Keren