This is a long entry, I hope you find it as interesting as I do.

I’ve been listening to the subject matter more of the background hallucinations I hear.

I realized some of these are called “internal auditory hallucinations” – I’ll talk about this and get into definitions later, but they turn into external auditory hallucinations for me, they morph from one into another for me.

The voices discuss me in third person, but not the whole time necessarily.

The bulk of the time, yes, they do.

But they start with a different subject matter when they’re in the background – they start with a super general subject matter.

Because they’re tricky.

They always have been.

They try to trick me all the time.

They always have.

They tried to trick me a lot while I was in my big episode from around 2018-2022.

They would tell me to wait somewhere specific, and I would, for hours at a time.

They’d tell me to roll my windows down, say a certain word to a certain person, and then they would come out of hiding.

Then they would know that I’m legit or trustworthy enough to come talk to.

Then they would show face again.

They’d tell me to park or stand in a certain spot.

They’d tell me they had GPS tracking planted on me and on my car, so they knew if I was really in that spot or not.

And that I had to say a certain phrase and have a conversation into my phone to them.

When I’m really talking to no one.

I’m talking into a phone that’s off.

And after doing everything they wanted, they’d never actually surface, ever.

Regardless of how many commands of theirs I’d follow.

So they’re doing that type of shit again, but less command-y.

They’re playing games.

They’ll first be talking about something I can’t quite make out – a murmur, I can’t quite make out the words, but the cadence of a conversation is blatantly obvious.

Then the words will slowly be able to be made out, and it’s something common almost.

What I mean by that, is that it’s usually something that I can relate to – it draws me in, something about the complex, the weather, the surroundings, Bruce, the car I just walked past, something I was just thinking about even.

And the second I acknowledge them – consciously or subconsciously, the subject matter turns to me.

Today for example, it’s Sunday.

I was walking past the building where this old resident moved from a while ago.

He was the one who asked me out for a drink around my birthday and I ghosted him because I was in an episode and then I started hallucinating his voice.

And I still hear “his” voice talking about me, but on the balcony of an apartment that a worker of the complex lives in with his Mom.

The old resident never lived in that apartment.

Go figure.

Anyway, the resident was talking about the birds first, how there are so many this year, which there are.

I heard him.

He then started talking about how “she doesn’t look at her dog as much since she thinks I moved”

And he went on again, “she thinks I moved, doesn’t she?”

The person that lives in the apartment, the worker for the complex, his car isn’t even there, and no one is on his balcony.

Even though his balcony has curtains, so it IS hard to tell if anyone is up there or not.

Which, I know is why that fucking voice is coming from up there, I can’t confirm if anyone is actually up there or not, and the voices know that, and they run with it.

The old resident says to the worker again, “look at her, she never looks at him when she walks by, not as much as she did”

And then I hear the worker say “maybe she is, and you’re just not noticing”

“Maybe she is” the old resident said, “but I don’t think so, something’s fucking wierd with her, that bitch is strange”

“Maybe you scared her” the worker said.

And then the old resident said, and mind you, I’m now across the parking lot, on the other side of the sidewalk, and they’re still at the same volume, “I don’t know, maybe she’s schizophrenic”.

And I said “shut the fuck up” in my head and whispered it at the same time.

And I heard the whole “fuck her”

”fuck that bitch”

“fuck her”

Back and forth between the two and it kept going.

And I kept walking and it just kinda faded out slowly.

It lasted all of three minutes?

Not long, but long enough for a good argument to get on a semi regular dose of Haloperidol too, in my opinion.

The Paliperidone has been a literal lifesaver, but I think it needs just a bit of assistance.

Another example is from yesterday, Monday evening.

We were walking, and Bruce did his business.

I almost always hear voices while picking up Bruce’s poop.

I know, it’s fucking bizarre.

It’s an unfamiliar male and female voice going back and forth, as usual in this situation.

Mind you this is just what I remember of the conversations, there was more to both of them.

Male “do you think she’s going to pick it up?”

Female “I think so, I think she’s grabbing a bag right now.”

Male “That was a nasty looking poo, I don’t know if she can get it all”

Female “Well she’s using two bags, that’s good”

Male “Should we go over there and see? See if she got it all?”

Female “Yeah let’s go check”

(They always say something like this)

Male “I don’t think she got it all”

Female “She just pulled up that grass, that’s all she did”

Male “But the bag is full”

Female “Let’s go check”

And now I’m walking away, they continue this, again, at the same volume, even as I’m walking away, sounding like they’re standing in the middle of a parking space that’s just behind me.

They’re sounding just as though they’re in a conversation with one another, as normal as could be, just behind me.

It usually calls them out as voices when they say the same exact “key” phrases that are always just a touch different every time.

Things like “we’re going to go look”, or “ she can hear us”, or “she’s schizophrenic” that’s a big one they love to use – they know it annoys me big time.

The voices are assholes for the most part.

It’s few and far between that I find them helpful.

God forbid they be friendly for longer than two seconds.

They’re usually only friendly when they’re tricking me, and it’s very brief.

So, with noticing this chatter, I did some more research this week.

With a ton more googling, and then googling of the googling searches, I found out that these are both “conversational auditory hallucinations”, and “third person auditory hallucinations”.

Which just means that I hear conversations, and voices that call me “she” or “her” – like “she’s walking there.” “fuck her.” “she can hear us.”, that kind of stuff.

Not to mention the whole “she can hear me, but I don’t think she can see me” bullshit I hear all the time.

I also hear “second person auditory hallucinations”, but they’re not as common for me as the third person ones are.

Those then to be more command type voices, or something like “we’re going to kill you”, that happens usually when I’m in an episode, but not always.

These happened a lot more before I was on antipsychotics.

I would hear things like “you’re going to fuck it up.” or “you’re a failure.” or “just hit yourself.” things like that, more command type voices, and they’re usually more “internal auditory hallucinations” for me personally, which I’ll talk about in a minute.

I do hear these a ton while in episodes, they can get super dark and super scary very quickly.

These are not to be confused with thought echos that pop up too.

Those can be fucking intense at times.

That’s when I think something, and then a split second later, a voice says the exact thing that I just thought, like a mimic almost but spookier – especially when I didn’t know what was going on.

When I didn’t know that I was dealing with psychosis, the thought echo was the most confusing and scary thing.

That’s when I thought the CIA had put a microchip in my left eye during my last surgery to survey and stalk me.

And I thought there were microscopic cameras and microphones everywhere.

In every single mirror and vent everywhere ever to start with, so the CIA could have surveillance on me.

And the thought echos just “confirmed” that to me.

They could hear and see inside my fucking head right when I could.

And they were externally broadcasting it.

There was no distinction.

Being unmedicated for so long led to thick, sticky delusional thinking.

With all of this I started thinking about my past delusional thinking and my “psychic” abilities.

This is where my “internal auditory hallucinations” come into play too.

But first, looking back, I also realized with my googling, that part of my “psychic” powers were really me thinking I could thought broacast.

How I was able to read people’s minds, and plug ideas into them.

Because people could put ideas and thoughts in my mind with the glance of an eye.

Eye contact meant the transferring of brain waves and concepts and thoughts.

Of feelings and knowledge.

Besides, I could hear their voice speaking in my mind, right where my thoughts are.

In the same space.

They weren’t external like when I heard people talking bad about me.

For a long time, I knew the voices were in my head.

I thought since I was hearing these voices in my head, that I didn’t recognize (or I did recognize at times), there were obviously people communicating with me telepathically because I had powers.

I wasn’t realizing I was hearing internal auditory hallucinations at any point in time.

Internal auditory hallucinations are in the same space as thoughts – but they’re in random voices that are not mine.

One is mine, yes.

That is the typical thought voice, that is normal.

(But now even my inner dialogue is very dulled since antipsychotics)

The other ones are not.

But I thought they were.

I always figured that everyone heard all of this stuff and heard people talking about them everywhere they went and was always the center of conversation and it was just that no one talked about it.

And I figured I was “psychic”.

They were the most “logical” explanations for me.

Because like I said, I knew the voices were in my head at first.

But I didn’t know they were hallucinations – I thought it was a “gift”.

It was only when I had my random episodes, and heard my friends and people talking about me outloud that I panicked and would lose it. 

I literally just remembered all of this while writing this that that’s why everything was so confusing for so long and that’s why I thought I had telepathic powers.

Internal auditory hallucinations.

The voices sounded like thoughts, but they weren’t mine.

The thing is – that feels so long ago now.

Like a lifetime ago.

Pre 2018 was a long time ago.

When I had episodes back then, I would hear the external voices – people talking mad shit about me like I wasn’t in the room, right in front of me.

Those were external, which is why it threw me off so hard.

I would panic and freak out and basically throw an adult temper tantrum.

I’d lock myself in a room, go for a long drive, get out of the house, go get drunk, whatever, just to drown the symptoms out.

But the external voices were always so episodic I never thought they were hallucinations.

I never put my mental illness into that mix.

THIS IS WHY I GET SO FLUSTERED AT MYSELF!

I CAN’T REMEMBER SHIT RIGHT!

AND WHEN I FINALLY REMEMBER IT RIGHT I SHOCK MYSELF!

I mean, it was all really bothering me.

I could not remember how life was exactly before my big episode.

I remembered the chatter, but it was mainly internal, so I thought it was just the way my mind worked, and that I had special clairvoyant powers, and was able to hear people’s thoughts about me.

It’s always been about me.

Everyone would always talk about me.

I was hearing the “internal auditory hallucinations” so much more often than the “external auditory hallucinations”, it became completely normal to me.

And then flash forward twenty years, and I now have more “external auditory hallucinations” that are now on top of the “internal auditory hallucinations”, because I was improperly medicated and unmedicated for so fucking long.

Holy fuck, yo.

The feelings are flooding me right now.

I’m feeling flushed and relieved but nervous and anxious all at once.

And I had deja vu as I wrote this.

Holy shit.

If that would’ve happened a few years ago, my delusional thinking would’ve run with it, for sure.

The concept of me being “psychic” ran deep in me.

When I realized that being “psychic”wasn’t a real thing in the fall of 2021, it turned my world upside down.

For months I wrote in my notes about how shook I was.

All of the signs and signals I was giving and receiving from others kept my mind constantly busy for decades.

I couldn’t think outside of all of the fucking chatter to see a problem.

Wow.

I’m so grateful I wrote this entry and googled all of these things this week.

Okay, I’m not quite done this entry, I know it is a super long one this time, bear with me just a touch longer.

I need to talk about the delusional aspect real quick.

To add to the mix there were and are the referential delusions, which also go back to believing I was “psychic”.

And honestly these still continue all the way till the present day.

And honestly they’ll probably still continue throughout my life in bits and pieces, just because they are so ingrained, and have been happening for so long.

I’m just now finding the definitions to these things I’ve dealt with for so many years.

I just today, June 20, 2025, started researching things again.

It’s a lot to take in, all of this.

And I have to do it in baby steps.

Besides, I’ve sat here for months, not knowing what to google to get the answers I’m looking for.

Not really understanding what exactly my questions are even.

Not until it clicked this weekend about trying to find a name for the background, “conversational hallucinations” and the “internal auditory hallucinations”.

All of these definitions are so mind boggling to me.

Gamechnaging.

Eye-opening.

Even the referential delusions because there are two kinds; delusions of communication, and delusions of observance.

I’ve experienced both.

(they’re both explained, very well, in the referential link above)

The delusions of communication still feel like they’re happening – they were the ones I was “receiving” when I was “psychic”.

People would give me signs with their body language or phrasing in their words, they’d communicate telepathically with me and then also with their actions or body language hints they would give me.

I would see and know the signs they were giving me.

Half of the time I felt as if I was putting on a show for them too, like I was performing for them or something, with hidden meanings in my movements. 

I still feel like I do this, it’s tough.

It’s difficult to explain, because when I try to, it sounds completely irrational, because it is.

It was all delusions.

All of it.

I keep forgetting how powerful delusions are.

I talk a ton about hallucinations, but not enough about delusions.

Sort of ironic given the name of my blog, huh?

And the fact is that I still think everyone is talking about me whenever I walk into a room, or pass by a house, or walk past a person.

I know I’m not actually the center of attention, but it won’t leave my fucking head that everyone is staring and whispering about me every time I do.

It’s not as severe as it used to be, but it’s still there for sure.

It’s wild because the main symptom of referential delusions is that the person experiencing them thinks that they are the center of thought, or concern, or attention.

The center of the universe.

That was me.

I never would’ve admitted it out loud, or even probably consciously acknowledged it, but I think everyone is always talking about me, yes, 110%.

I can not tell you how many friendships I’ve lost because I was convinced they were talking shit about me directly in front of me, to another friend.

It’s happened easily a dozen times, probably more honestly.

And it never fucking clicked that something like that could possibly be a delusion.

Everyone saw it as a behavioral issue.

I was so scared of being abandoned.

They thought I was completely irrational, but no one ever looked into it any deeper than surface level.

There was never any discussion between any of the parties to see where the disconnects lie.

To see the core issues and problems in me.

Everyone just thought I was angry and paranoid.

When I really felt rejected, insecure and scared.

Because I don’t “present” as schizoaffective or someone with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder.

Whatever that person is suppose to look like.

Because seriously, no one can tell something like that from how someone looks.

Period.

And god forbid I wasn’t acting like they do in the movies – not until it got so severe that I lost everything and everyone around me, and I was walking the streets of Denver yelling to no one.

I was seemingly, and I HATE this phrase, too “high functioning” to be schizophrenic to the doctors.

But looking back it’s so. seriously. fucking. obvious. that I deal with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder.

Every diagnosis I’ve ever had fits under the schizoaffective disorder diagnosis perfectly with the exception of my PTSD.

But even that is inclusive and logical from the psychosis aftermath.

And these “background hallucinations” and “internal auditory hallucinations” – I have to remain aware of them.

I can not continue to shut them out and ignore them.

The last thing I want is to become unaware again or spend another minute in denial of my disorder.

I’ve spent too many decades in denial and I refuse to go back there.

So, no, it’s not the neighbors that are making chit chat.

The conversations are my hallucinations, chattering away, attempting to trick me into interacting with their talking topics before they turn it to me and what I’m doing, thinking, feeling, seeing, hearing, touching, smelling and tasting.

And today I’m going to try my hardest to not buy into their tricks.

Today I will listen to my surroundings attentively, even when it’s scary.

And even though I can not always tell what is real and what isn’t, I will try my hardest to not tune things out and deny my surroundings any further.

– Keren