It was halfway through with my therapy session and I was in a slight conversational lull and suddenly Jessie, the therapist who’s quitting in two weeks, after being in the office for about six months, started talking about her leaving, and what I’m doing after that, who she thinks I should start to see and whatnot.

Halfway through my session.

She wants me to see this guy who has always creeped me out. 

Granted she didn’t know that.

And I told her well, first, I made a face and shook my head quickly at her.

I said I don’t like that guy.

And she kept talking about him through that body language and comment.

She didn’t stop and ask why that face, or why do you not like him, or anything.

She just kept on about him.

I wasn’t making eye contact anymore.

She had paused for a moment, and again, I said that guy, I don’t know what it is about him, but I’ve never liked him. 

He creeps me out.

I don’t know why.

I never have liked him.

I don’t like the way he talks to Bruce.

I don’t like his demeanor.

I don’t like him.

He creeps me out for some reason. 

And he gives me a really, really bad vibe.

Instead of saying right then and there okay, nevermind, we’ll find someone else, or, that’s fine, we’re moving on to someone else, or something like that, she went on. 

And on.

He’s training in EMDR.

He’s this that and the other.

I said again, he creeps me out.

I just really don’t like him. 

And then she goes on about him even more.

I start crying harder.

I’m staring out the window.

The guilt is wracking up that I’m not just going along with her plan.

She’s laying it on thick.

He’s ___, he’s ____. 

I turn to her and I tell her again, he creeps me out, I do not like him.

She finally says okay, then she says fairly bluntly that safety is a concern. 

Pretty patronizing and at a slowed speech.

Like I’m being absurd.

And I don’t give a fuck if I am.

I’m sure he’s a fine person.

But, he gives me the creeps, and has since I first saw him.

I don’t know why.

I do not want to even say hi to him when I have to, let alone talk to him about my life.

Wait.

Why am I having to prove myself to her right now?!

To my therapist?!

What is with this?!

And her face said “bitch, just work with him… this is dumb, you’re dumb”. 

That’s what her face said. 

She was annoyed af.

I could tell.

So I said, yet again, he creeps me out.

Like, I’m having to justify why I don’t want to work with this therapist when it’s my life and sanity on the line.

I’m still crying, mind you, big time. 

Not saying much at all, at all.

There’s a lot of awkward silences going on where I’m not making eye contact with her, she’s attempting to make eye contact with me, and it feels like, intimidate me.

There’s a lot of silences happening between her and I talking because she won’t let it go and I don’t know what else to say to get it through to her that I’m not working with him.

I don’t know what to say to all of this pressure, and interrupting my session half way through to talk about how she’s abandoning me.

And the steps she needs to take to cover her bases before she leaves me.

Like, why did you interrupt my session?

She then asks me what’s going on, if I’m okay.

Completely oblivious?

And I said I was fine, until we started talking about this.

In my mind I’m thinking you’re triggering my fucking abandonment issues, you fucking bitch.

This is suppose to be a safe space.

You’re interrupting me to talk about how you’re leaving me and then you’re pressuring me to work with someone who creeps me out and makes my skin crawl.

So I interrupt her, she’s saying something about that guy or maybe she’s trying to pawn me off on someone else by that time because she did finally bring up a secondary option after about ten minutes of going back and forth.

But I finally just interrupt her to tell her I talked to Hannah.

Hannah was my old therapist who I only quit seeing because she went on maternity leave a while ago but she’s back now.

And I told Jessie that I’ll just work with Hannah for now if that’s what this is coming to. 

She said she’ll squeeze me in.

She said she’ll make room until I can get squared away with someone else if I want.

And this lady’s face.

Jessie’s eyes widened and she said “Oh.”

It’s like she was completely taken aback that I advocated for myself and am looking out for myself and asking Hannah myself and not wanting to do what she had “worked” on setting up. 

And the guilt again.

I can’t remember what she was saying at this point – I was too floored.

Because she was going on about the creepy guy again.

And it’s not like she was setting me up with a new therapist there who would mesh really well with me.

Hannah did that when she went on maternity leave.

She set me up with Sean, who meshed really well with me, and then when he moved he set me up with Jessie because she was supposed to stay there for a few years.

And honestly we meshed really well until now.

They both put a ton of thought into it and had massive conversations with me about it – at the ends of my sessions.

She’s over here setting me up with whoever is the most convenient for her to set me up with.

She wants me out of her hair.

Fuck what I think.

Fuck with I need.

I can’t remember what all she fucking said but I remember getting really flustered at this point and telling her again that he creeps me out.

I remember then holding my head in my hands, still crying mind you, and saying frustratingly as I whipped my head up to make eye contact with her finally, saying I’ll just go with Hannah right now, because I don’t know what’s going on right now at all and I can’t do this”.

And it got quiet.

Real quiet.

And I didn’t say shit, I was just sitting there crying.

Staring out the window.

It was silent for at least a full minute or two.

I wanted to scream at her that she was a miserable cunt.

I was so fucking mad.

After like a minute and a half she asked, if your tears could talk, what would they say?

I said “it’s the same old shit”.

I didn’t say this part, but it’s like every other fucking doctor in the fucking healthcare system, selfish.

They leave me behind, don’t give a fuck about me, it’s all about them and what they need and want, fuck the patient. 

Prime example right in front of me.

There was like 2 min of silence, and she was like again, what are you thinking, or whatever she asked.

I said I feel like you’re pushing me out.

You don’t want me here.

And I looked off to the side.

Then I looked at her and said, you don’t want me here, so I’ll fucking leave. 

So I got up and got Bruce together and started to walk out.

She said Keren, we have to talk about this stuff, when am I suppose to talk about this stuff? We need to talk about this at some point and I don’t want to wait for the last session.

I said you didn’t have to interrupt me and do it halfway through my session, you could’ve waited till the very end of the session today, and I walked out.

She got real quiet and didn’t say anything else as I walked away. 

Mic drop bitch. 

Like, fuck you. 

Seriously, fuck you. 

I was in mid flow of my session, had just finished a story and was about to go into something else, and then you interrupt me and my time to talk about you how you’re leaving me after six months of being here.

I’m divulging my life to you, and you’re pawning me off on some guy I think is a fucking creep?

Regardless if he is or not, I don’t give a fuck. 

I get a bad vibe from him and I’m not working with him.

Period.

And that should be respected the first fucking time I say it.

Period. 

End of story. 

And that should have been the end of that fucking conversation right there. 

Moving on.

But she kept going on and on and on about him.

Oh he’s getting this, that, and the other certification, oh he’s getting certified in EMDR oh he’s doing this, yada yada yada.. 

Like, fuck off. 

I said, he gives me the creeps.

I don’t know why, he just does. 

So fucking drop it.

Period.

He’s probably an ex husband in a past life type of thing.

I don’t know what it is, but I do not like him. 

At all. 

And that should have been the end of the discussion for the beginning. 

Period. 

Done. 

But she kept egging it on. 

And then she was seemingly flabbergasted and curious as to why I was so upset. 

Like you’re pressuring me, interrupting my session to talk about you and your dilemma of trying to find me someone new, pressuring me to see a therapist that I’m extremely uncomfortable around, and you’re getting frustrated with me on top of it all about it.

You’re getting frustrated with me?!

I’m frustrated with you.

Like the look on her face when she was telling me over and over all the things that guy is doing and capable of was one of like, desperation and complete frustration with me.

She was hating me during it.

It was all over her face.

She just kept pressuring me.

I felt fucking cornered.

I felt like this was my only choice.

She was making it seem like I had to pick him.

I kept having to explain myself and I shouldn’t have to.

And then I felt like i did something fucking awful by going around her back and talking to Hannah about what to do and to seeing if she could see me if Jessie couldn’t find anyone.

And thank fuck I did!

Because Jessie had the worst ideas.

I did not know that guy was a therapist – I thought he did admin work there.

Seriously!

I had no clue he was a provider – and I told her that too.

I told her if I’d known that he was a provider, I would’ve told her from the get go that he was off limits and I’m not working with him.

The thing is is she made me feel fucking horrible for not being 100% in on her decision, her plan, her idea.

I advocated for myself.

Because I’ve learned that I have to otherwise I get left behind or mistreated.

And lookit that.

Exhibit A.

Did she really think I wasn’t going to talk to anyone about this?

I need to talk to someone I can trust and open up to.

Therapy is really important to me.

I don’t want to talk to that guy who I think is a fucking creep.

And I feel bad that I do think he’s creepy – I’m sure he’s fine.

But, he creeps me the fuck out and that should have instantly have been enough of a reason for her to stop pushing him right then and there.

Especially with her being a fucking therapist and knowing what a fucking boundary is.

But no, she went on and on and on for about ten minutes about how qualified this guy is and how he’s well liked.

I. Don’t. Give. A. Fuck.

I really don’t.

Fuck you for interrupting the middle of my session to talk about how you’re abandoning me, and then pushing me into an uncomfortable situation and seemingly purposefully triggering me for some fucking reason because you want to have an easy exit.

You need to learn some fucking manners and leave your shit until the end of the fucking session.

This is not about you.

This is about me this time.

This is my session.

And I will not be steamrolled by my therapist.

I will not be pressured to work with someone who makes me uncomfortable by my therapist.

This therapist, Jessie, is a newly graduated one too.

She was still an intern when we first started working together.

So this is an important lesson for her and hopefully she learned something and didn’t just shut this down as me having an attitude and being mentally unstable.

Because she was in the wrong.

Period.

So, here I go, back with Hannah next week!

I’m excited to work with her again.

She’s a safe space.

And I’m so grateful she could get me in so quick, I’m not missing a single week of therapy, thank goodness.

After that session this week, I need another session.

I worked with Hannah for two years already, so she just needs to be caught up from the last year or so.

Much easier than starting all the way over.

And no, Hannah does not creep me out!

Thanks for asking!

– Keren