The voices have been very tolerable lately.

I haven’t been talking about them the last few entries and I figured I’d touch base with them this week.

Things have been good – they’ve been quiet.

But I’ve been taking my Haloperidol daily the past several weeks, on top of the Paliperidone daily.

I had to fucking stop. them. at the end of March.

I had to stop the voices.

I was bordering on delusions again there for a few weeks in March and I just could not fucking take it.

And then at the beginning of April, I started in on taking the Haloperidol daily again.

Fuck it.

That’s exactly why I was given it.

Just this week have I started to taper back off of it.

And I’m really hesitant in doing so.

I’ve been taking it every other day instead of every day.

But I’m scared to go down more right now, so I won’t.

Not right now.

But I had to do something at the end of that last episode, I had to up my medicine.

The voices would not fucking leave me alone.

They were seriously berating me every time I stepped outside.

And when the voices are that bad the second I step outside, it makes me stay inside which doesn’t help anything.

It makes me feel agoraphobic, even though I’m not.

But it puts a dread in me every time I have to step outside.

And I usually love being outside.

So the voices were still making it really fucking hard for basic daily functions.

I felt like I was going to fucking lose it before the Haloperidol kicked in last month.

Well, I had to up my Paliperidone back too, remember.

From 6mg back up to 12mg, my “normal” dose.

I’m hoping I can go back down to 6mg again once I’m stabilized again, and just kinda play it that way.

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to be on that much Paliperidone, the 12mg, while I’m feeling stable, ya know?

But that’s just me.

That’s just my preference.

But it’s nice to have a couple extra on hand when situations like this arise too, from the fluctuations in dosage levels.

Then I’m not shorthanded for medication either.

But honestly I hate how they don’t refill prescriptions till like a day or two before they’re due because then there’s guaranteed delays or they’re out of stock, or a whole shitton of shituations, but that’s really a whole different entry so I digress.

It’s just nice to have the ability to go down and up on my meds when I’m feeling ready to.

I’m so grateful for them.

Within a week of upping my Paliperidone, it kicked in.

And then the Haloperidol took about ten or twelve days to be able to assist after starting it back up.

They work well together for me.

My rage that’s so rampant while in psychosis, is gone while on both of them.

It’s like it’s obliterated.

And replaced by a slight agitation and an uneasy paranoia.

The day the uneasiness disappears is a great day.

I had to create a new feeling in my mood app after this last psychosis episode because of this feeling – “relieved” is what I called it.

It’s not a main mood, but in the mental symptoms section within the day.

I guess I could make it a main mood, never thought about that.

But I hadn’t felt relief in the two plus years that I have been documenting my moods.

Just think about that for a moment.

I hadn’t felt relieved in over two years.

Not enough to create the mood button in my app and use it.

This was the first post any episode (depression, anxiety, psychosis etc…) that felt like I imagined a post episode would feel like.

Like the antipsychotics just kicked in one morning when I woke up, and I was just feeling lighter, clearer, better, friendlier.

I just felt relieved.

Like that terrible shit show was finally over for now.

The episode was finally over.

I felt it deep inside.

Like an internal contented sigh, that lasted all day, several days even.

I then had to create a mood called “neutral” for the feelings that arose after the relief feeling disappeared a few days later.

It had never occurred to me to create a mood outside of “meh” that wasn’t “good” or “bad” until this week.

This is how long it takes for some things to “click” in me.

Years.

But it never crossed my mind to create a neutral feeling for myself.

And I pride myself in neutrality, but I wasn’t allowing myself the courtesy of being able to use it.

So that’s changing and I created the mood.

We’ll see how often I use it.

I’m grateful things are quiet right now.

I mean, I have been hearing some murmurs here and there, but they’re always around.

So are random sentances here and there.

And the other day while out walking Bruce had a messy bathroom break and I heard from the voices about me picking it up and the mess I made too.

Eyeroll.

But other than that, things have been pretty quiet and relaxed.

It’s amazing how huge the shift in my mood is from being in psychosis to being lucid.

The amount of anger and insecurity in me during psychosis, fuck, no wonder why I could never keep friends or a job.

In psychosis I am amped. 

I’m ready to fight, run away, throw things, cry, and hide, all at once.

My rage gauge just runs at an all time high.

I’m hypersensitive and hypervigilant and terrified all at once.

And loud, I can be loud or reserved in psychosis – depends on a lot of different things around me.

And this last episode had been going on for a month or so before I noticed it was happening.

Add another three weeks on that and I’m dealing with that fucking psychotic episode for a solid five to six weeks and that’s fucking exhausting.

Voices nonstop while outside that whole time.

It’s a lot to take.

And it’s awful noticing but not noticing at the same time.

Like I’m realizing but not.

I’m going to try to do better next time.

I want to get to the point where I can tell an episode is coming on, up my meds in response and curb them as much as possible before they even start.

That would be cool.

That would be ideal.

Then I could prep myself a bit better for the episode.

And no doubt I’ll get there in a few years.

But that’s daunting, knowing that I have a few more years of hardcore self discovery to do.

It’s exhausting, but I guess it’s never ending really.

But the voices are at bay today and I’ll take the win for today with that.

– Keren