I’ve been feeling a bit better in my lumbar ablation recovery.

Walking good and eating less.

Trying to at least.

This week has been decent with those types of things.

Could be better.

But it also could be a lot worse.

So yeah.

What sucks is that my back still feels like it’s on fire though.

All of the lidocaine has offically worn off now.

But it’s not in the same spot.

My lower, lower back feels good, really.

This lingering shit feels at about at my L3 level on the right side.

Well and the left too.

Like something feels pressed on still.

And it’s about 50% of what it was, pain wise.

But I can’t find my MRI results from my lumbar scan last year.

So I have to call the imaging place tomorrow morning and probably go there to get a printout. 

Oh well.

I need to see what it says because there’s something going on just above where they did the ablation.

I’m hoping they can go in and do the ablation again just above where they just did.

I hope they can.

But I may have to wait like 6 months or something stupid like that.

I bet there’s some sort of stupid stipulation.

(it’s the next day) I got the results and it doesn’t say anything big wrong on that L3 level.

Just arthritic degeneration and a slightly bulging disc.

Like every other fucking level on my lumbar spine.

I didn’t realize my back had gotten so bad.

I mean, I feel it everyday.

But I didn’t realize my arthritis was so rampant like that.

It makes me sad.

I gotta get some of this weight off again.

This isn’t okay anymore.

It’ll be a lot easier on my joints when I’m thinner.

I know that’s way easier said than done though.

But I need to keep putting the effort in.

My hallucinations have been steady still.

Same shit, different day.

They talk about Brucie and I while we walk.

Today is Thursday and they haven’t been too bad till our last walk just now.

(It’s around 5:30pm)

They do tend to be louder the last walk of the day.

I changed more medications this week.

I had a psych NP appointment on Monday afternoon and it went fine I guess.

I got a call from my caseworker at the clinic before the appointment and she asked me if I was feeling heard.

I told her not really.

So she’s seeing if I can see another doctor there.

R a different NP or whatever.

So that feels like progress in a way.

I did get put on Duloxetine.

And Clonazepam for panic attacks.

He told me to not get addicted.

No shit.

I told him I don’t want that either so not to worry.

So we’re in agreement that I’m only using it when I’m feeling over the top anxious.

And I am grateful for that.

But I still want to switch providers.

He just doesn’t listen over all.

It’s taken years for me to get to this point with him.

Where he’s actively listening and actually asking good questions.

He did ask me about psychosis but nothing has really changed in that regard.

Like I said, same shit, different day.

I’m actually quite grateful he finally gave me something that works but it’s almost too late.

I feel like I can’t even begin to talk to him about my ADHD issues.

He already doesn’t believe my psychosis.

I guess he believes, because he prescribes the right meds, but he doesn’t seemingly understand.

And I probably am thought broadcasting and catastrophizing when I say shit like this because it is his job to listen.

And he does try.

But I feel a disconnect with him and always have.

There’s a barrier there and everytime I talk to him about my hallucinations or delusions he just asks me the same question four times and stares blankly at me and then ups my doses.

And I’ve got so many things that have been going on the past few years, that have been out of whack for so long, that my ADHD has just been sitting in the corner, unattended.

Wreaking havoc in the background.

I mean, in other ways I guess I am tending to it.

Going to therapy, writing, now crocheting.

But I started a new project practically every month last year.

I have piles of hobbies I was destined to be into forever.

Now it’s all just garbage.

And then the doom sitting.

Where I just stare at the wall, or my phone, thinking nothing not really scrolling or doing much of anything.

Velcro’d to the couch because of fear for some reason.

I’m scared to fail so I’m scared to even try.

So I don’t.

So I sit here.

Day after day passing me by.

Waiting for something to happen.

And if I have an appointment that day, it’s game over.

I’ll sit on the couch and just wait for my appointment time.

Granted sometimes I’ll get up and make some food or walk Bruce or something.

But for the most part, I just sit there, waiting.

Frozen.

And then I’ll go to my appointment and come home and wait for bed.

Watch tv, scroll, write, and wait.

I have the inattentive ADHD type.

Which basically just means I can’t focus on anything for a prolonged period of time or follow through with any if it in the long run.

And it also means I’m not necessarily physically hyperactive.

I have noticed my crocheting dwindling this week.

I’m about ¾ of the way done with my granny squares and almost half way done with the blanket itself.

And I’m losing steam.

I’m trying really hard not to but it’s just in my nature to quit about now.

I didn’t touch it yesterday.

I was hoping this wouldn’t happen.

That crocheting would be different.

But it’s me.

And I can’t finish jack shit.

I fizzle out.

And every month is full of new opportunities and forgotten projects.

And I don’t know why I feel like I can’t talk about that with my psych NP. 

Maybe part of me doesn’t really want to be on stimulants again.

It’s the only thing that works though.

So I dunno.

Maybe a change in provider would help.

So I’m hopeful that will be a step in the right direction.

– Keren