I’ve been doing EMDR therapy with my one on one therapist for a while now.

She’s been having me write down my triggers throughout the weeks.

And I’ve noticed that as we go on, I’m getting triggered less and less.

Or at least, I’m not reacting to the triggers in the ways that I used to and writing them down.

I’m not crying as much and I’m not getting as angry as I once used to.

Part of it is probably because I’m not that social right now.

And I’m sure, in part, that’s thanks to the Haloperidol, Paliperidone, and Duloxetine though too, not just the EMDR.

The medications help a ton with regulating my moods.

Ironically, these meds help much more than mood stabilizers do for me.

Mood stabilizers don’t do shit for me.

Even though some antipsychotics cross the boundary and are mood stabilizing by default.

But maybe I haven’t been on the right ones, but I’ve been on a ton in the past.

But with writing down my triggers, I’m floored that I’ve been writing down less and less each week.

Some weeks I don’t write down anything.

And I think that’s mainly because I’ve just been so busy, not because I haven’t been getting triggered.

Because I’m sure I have been, even if it’s slightly.

I had doctor appointments every day again last week.

This week lightens up with the holidays, thank fuck.

And back to the EMDR, right now we’re working on my phrase “I am alone”.

It’s a repetitive phrase that’s been popping up on my triggers list, and a feeling I’ve felt for a very long time.

We’re doing “first, worst, most recent” times I’ve felt that way.

The first time was when I was 3 – 4 years old.

That was the age, but I’m not going to go into details.

We were talking about the worst time, and I originally told my therapist I thought it was when I was in the 5th grade.

But, when I really think about it, it was when I was married.

And I’m not going to go into detail with that right now either, but I’ll just say that my drunk exhusband was berating me with his shitty fucking words about how I’m a “piece of shit” etc…

I felt beyond very alone in those times.

There’s a lot of times in my life I’ve felt extremely alone.

Having my hallucinations is one of those feeling alone times too.

It’s gotten a little less lonely since hanging out at my therapists office, where other people struggle with similar issues.

But, I’ve been hearing the radio playing when nothing is on in my car lately.

I even turned off the radio system off all together, thinking that my Bluetooth adapter for my phone was picking up something from a neighboring car or something.

But it wasn’t.

It was just hallucinations.

That has happened several times this week.

I hear people talking about Bruce’s bathroom breaks every single time he goes poo.

They talk about if I’m going to pick it up – which, I have never, ever just left it, I always pick it up.

They talk about if I picked all of it up.

They talk about if they should go check and see and make sure I picked it all up when we’re walking away.

And they talk about other random things regarding his poos when he’s taking them, as I’m picking them up, as I’m throwing them in the designated trash bins, and as we’re walking away.

It’s obnoxious.

And I hear this every single time he goes poo when there’s people that could be watching.

I don’t hear this out at my parents house where no one cares about picking it up because it’s on my parents’ property.

I only hear it when there’s people that could see me and where I’m required to pick it up.

It’s truly fucking annoying.

The thing is, my hallucinations haven’t gotten worse since my dose of haloperidol was cut in half.

Well, maybe they have.

With the radio sounds.

And I have been hearing more DJ type mumbles through the walls and doors in my apartment at night.

So there’s that too.

So maybe they have gotten a touch worse.

But they’re still tolerable as of right now.

So we’ll see.

I had my psych NP appointment this morning (it’s Monday) and he was semi concerned about my high prolactin levels.

But in the same breath he said if I’m not showing any of the symptoms of high prolactin levels, then I’m fine to continue on as normal.

He really doesn’t want me on two antipsychotics though.

He’d rather me just be on one and even suggested Abilify as a possible solution.

But it’s not a solution because I’ve been on it in the past and it didn’t cut my symptoms that well.

Or at all really.

And I told him that.

So we just continued on my same regimen that I’ve been on with no changes right now.

He even refilled my haloperidol.

I asked him if I should taper off my haloperidol, when I’m ready, and he just kept telling me to take it as needed.

So the way I figure, I need it twice a day.

So I’ll just continue with the half tablet twice a day like my general practitioner and I decided on the other week and he agreed with.

So that’s that, and I’m good with that for now.

If I keep having conversations like I did the other week, it may be time for a different conversation.

But I’ll let it play out for now.

I also had my follow up appointment with my nutritionist that went well.

She’s got me starting a supplement regime and I placed an order through the company she gets a discount with and saved a bunch of money, so that helped a lot, a lot.

They’ll be here tomorrow.

She upped my ox bile to 2 tablets with every meal.

She’s got me taking magnesium 2 times a day now instead of once.

She’s got me taking selenium to help my thyroid and zinc and b vitamins to help my immune system.

She’s got me on a couple of other things to help balance my glucose naturally.

I ordered some kelp to see if I can stomach some natural iodine.

It’s risky for sure, because I’m sensitive to iodine when it’s ingested, but we’ll see if I can handle it.

It’s a super small dose, the lowest one I could find, so there’s that.

She says she does think I have something autoimmune going on, but is unsure of what, which makes me kinda nervous.

But she did say my hypothyroidism is not the autoimmune culprit, so there’s that.

But I’m just going with my meal plan and just taking everything a day at a time.

I’m still off of refined sugar, dairy, gluten, soy and corn for the time being.

I asked my primary care doctor to test some liver enzymes I had that were high a few months ago along with my iodine levels that my nutritionist was curious about.

So we’ll see what that lab work says too.

I’m so done with being poked and prodded.

It’s been one hell of a month with all of these appointments I’ve had.

Technically they started the last week of October.

I’m supposed to have my follow up rheumatology appointment on December 2nd, but I’m gonna push it back a few weeks.

I have to go to San Antonio later that week and I’m so tired of going down there more than once a week.

I forgot to talk to my nutritionist about caffeine.

She doesn’t like folks to be on caffeine, but that doesn’t work for me.

My hypothyroidism makes me so lethargic and tired, I can’t not have caffeine.

It’s impossible for me to stay off of.

I cut everything else out that she wanted me to.

I draw the line at my caffeine.

I’m a recovering addict.

I need caffeine.

Period.

It keeps me off other things.

Sorry not sorry, ya know?

But all in all it’s been a rewarding road so far.

Granted, my body is on fire today.

But I’m sure that’s more weather related than diet at this point.

But like the group moderator was saying today, my body has been through a lot in the past few months.

So I need to go easy on it, and take the current pain levels with a grain of salt.

– Keren