I had a couple following me the other day.

I smelled a thick fog of weed smoke as I was walking Bruce, at the front of the apartment complex.

As I smelled it, and Bruce smelled the ground, the couple started talking.

“She smells that, I know she does”

“So what, what does it matter?”

“She’s gonna tell on us, she’s gonna tell the office”

“No she’s not, she’s not gonna be saying anything”

“Look she smells it”

“Yeah she smells it”

“I know she does”

“Yeah she does”

“Do you think she’s gonna say anything?”

*I keep walking, they’re about 30-40 feet behind me, I’m passing the pool and Bruce stops to smell the ground again, I look up*

“She’s looking at the office, she’s gonna go over there and tell on us”

*it’s past 5pm, the office is closed*

“No she won’t, she won’t tell”

“She’s gonna say something”

“No she won’t she won’t say anything”

“Do you think she’ll tell the office on us?”

“No, she’s ain’t gonna say anything”

*I keep walking, they keep talking, I pass by the pool again as I wind around the complex. I come to a different section of the complex and start to wind around it, I smell weed faintly again and I just deeply sighed*

“See man, she took a deep breath, she probably smokes too she’s not saying shit about us”

“I dunno, I feel like she’s gonna say something. Someone else is smoking around here too”

“That’s what I was just saying, she took a deep breath, she likes the smell, she’s not saying anything”

“I feel like she’s gonna tell on us though”

“She’s not saying shit”

“I dunno”

*I start in on the sidewalk to my apartment, they’ve been following me for about 0.7 miles*

“I bet she lives in that building”

“Well, now we know where she lives at least, if she says anything”

“She’s not saying anything, she’s not gonna tell on us”

“You don’t know that”

“I’m sure she’s not gonna say anything”

“There’s she’s walking into that apartment”

“She’s got that dog though”

“Yeah, she’s got that dog with her”

“She’s gonna say something”

*I walked in and closed the door*

It was an entire, ongoing conversation between the two of them as I was walking.

I’ve left out most of it because it was repetitive and annoying.

And I heard murmurs of conversations throughout the night that night, through the walls and door.

I don’t know why I heard that conversation.

It took until I passed by the pool the second time to realize that they were a hallucination.

I finally looked around then too.

And I think the weed smoke triggered it.

I’m a recovering addict and I’ve been done with weed now for a while.

But it used to make me super paranoid by the end.

That’s why I quit.

It wasn’t being helpful, besides curbing my terrible dreams.

It’s really good at that.

But that’s it.

I think the smell triggered me.

Because it was thick.

I thought I was going to smell like it by the time I walked away, it was so thick.

I can’t believe I had that intense of hallucinations through both the Paliperidone and the Haloperidol.

I think another thing that triggered me was that I had my general practitioner appointment that day too.

And we collectively decided to split my Haloperidol dose in half – my psych NP agreed too, because my prolactin levels are high.

And Haloperidol can cause high prolactin levels.

So the voices knew that I had to come down on my medication the next day.

And they played into it, hard.

Another hallucination that happened was on Friday this week.

I was standing just outside my door of my apartment, and there’s a fence just in front of where I park, which backs up to the “road” just at the end of the walkway from my door. 

Well, the fence was blurring together.

On the other side of the fence is about 100-150ft of grassed area, then a 4 lane street that’s very busy.

As the cars passed by, the fence blurred and swayed with them.

It was disorienting.

I had to look away and walk back inside to ignore it.

I don’t have many visual hallucinations since being on my antipsychotics, so when they happen it’s really quite frustrating.

I get scared before I realize that these are hallucinations.

But after I do realize they’re not real, I become more annoyed than anything else.

Unless they continue to talk about “getting me” or “killing me” – that’s always scary regardless.

It’s like they love to try and scare me.

They love to get a rise out of me.

I’ve been so busy lately with doctor appointments and therapy and group therapy, that I bet the stressors of all of that has sparked them too.

Along with cutting the Haloperidol in half.

I think that really got them riled up.

Speaking of doctor visits, I want to talk about some of my most recent doctor appointments this week.

I had a left big toe injection last Friday.

It went well, and my pain doctor told me to hold off on the bone fusion as long as possible.

He said hardware in the foot doesn’t last that long due to all of the weight bearing the foot has to do.

Which totally makes sense.

I told him it’d have to be much worse than it is now to even think about it.

But goodness knows that won’t take that long.

I had my ultrasound for my right leg on Thursday last week.

I was hoping it would be the last one, and that that last procedure was going to be my last one, but I need one more procedure in my right leg.

But, thankfully they’re able to do that tomorrow and get it over with.

So it’ll at least be over quickly.

I got lab results back from my rheumatologist this week too.

Nothing came back as abnormal except my CRP levels were a touch high, which is typical for me.

It just means there’s inflammation in my body.

So I don’t know what that’s going to mean for me in regards to the rheumatologist..

I don’t know if that alone means I have seronegative Rheumatoid Arthritis.

I’ll have to wait and see.

I hope it means something productive diagnosing wise.

At least that I can stay on the meds that help.

But I’m just not sure.

My next appointment with the rheumatologist isn’t until December 2nd.

Which actually isn’t that far away, really.

I’m just nervous after our first interaction went so bumpy.

I have my next psych NP appointment a week from today, next Monday.

Another one to add to the appointment list.

My primary care doctor told me something interesting that I’m taking to my psych NP too.

My psych NP is constantly worried about TD and me getting it because I’m on 2 different antipsychotics.

In his defense, it does make the risk higher.

But my primary doctor said that with as long as I’ve been on it now, if I haven’t been showing symptoms of it yet, she said it’s highly unlikely that I will ever show signs of it.

She said he’s worrying about something that’s not too likely.

So I’m going to take that to him, in a kind and caring way, and see what he says.

He’d like me to only be on one or two medications.

He does not like the fact that I’m on so many medications, but as I’ve old him before, it is what it is, and there’s not much I can do about it right now.

And I know he gets it, but he just doesn’t like it.

So hopefully he’ll understand what I’m trying to say and he’ll keep me on the Haloperidol ½ tab in the morning, ½ tab at night – of the 5mg tablet.

That IS half of what I was taking.

So I think he’ll be content with that, fingers crossed.

I’m hopeful that tomorrow will be my last leg procedure.

I might have to have one more, but it looks highly unlikely.

The ultrasound technician said I do have a very, very, small varicose vein in my left leg.

But he said it’s of no concern to him at this time.

Yet, I don’t know what the doctor thinks.

I’ll know more on Friday when I have a follow up appointment with the doc.

Luckily, since the breakthrough symptoms I talked about at the beginning of this entry, I haven’t had many more intense symptoms like that.

Sure there have been voices here or there.

Random, useless conversations about me, poking at me or talking about what I’m thinking.

But nothing as intense as that, thank fuck.

I’m grateful for the quieter days now.

They used to startle me just as much as the voices.

But now I find them quite pleasant.

I still can’t do too much quiet in my apartment.

Something always has to be on, be it television, spotify, or something like that.

But maybe one day I’ll work up to being able to sit in silence without it being alarming or triggering for symptoms.

-Keren