There are a few things that are signs that a psychotic episode is going to happen or is happening to me.

The more I think about it, I’m able to slowly put two and two together a bit better as the episodes pass through me.

Most of it I can’t remember much of anything to do with the episode except for highlights of it.

And like Sean, my therapist says, a lot of having schizoaffective disorder is the random psychotic episodes.

That’s unfortunately part of the diagnosis.

The randomness of it all.

But there are signs sometimes.

Like, the biggest thing is that I lose time.

I just go through a day and realize at the end of it there were several hours unaccounted for.

Or when I snap out of it and look at the clock again and it’s three hours later after what feels like 15 seconds.

And that’s time after time unaccounted for like that.

Not a once in the while thing.

It happens so much that it becomes an issue.

It becomes everyday.

Three hours here, four hours there, two hours here, another three hours there.

Next thing I know it’s dark and the blinds are still open and I hadn’t noticed.

Or time has passed and I have only been sitting here, “zoned out” as I call it in my mood tracker app.

And again, not just a little bit of zoning out, I’m talking about losing hours of the day at a time, day after day.

And this isn’t a time when I’m on my phone or zoned out in a movie or television.

Well I guess sometimes I zone into the television, but during these times that I’m talking about, I’ll have zero recollection of what I just watched.

These are times that I quite literally stare at nothing and significant amounts of time have passed all at once.

It’s terrifying really, when it happens.

I feel like I lose control of myself when it surfaces.

This is the closest thing to a tell that something isn’t right with me.

And a lot of times I don’t even notice until it’s happening, until it’s happening all the time.

I usually don’t notice till I’m out on the other side – until it’s after the fact.

The thing with psychosis is that you can’t treat it with rationality.

Half the time I can’t even see it.

And at its core, psychosis is completely irrational.

It’s unpredictable and erratic.

Random and unstoppable.

It’s a machine that can take over someone’s life instantly and everyone else still thinks the host is still the one in control.

When it’s really psychosis that’s in control.

I’m in an old house in my head, hogtied by psychosis in the basement, chained to a post or something.

I can’t tell y’all enough that psychosis is not a conscious state.

It’s not a place that’s welcoming and loving.

It’s terrifying and isolating.

It makes my reality the only reality regardless that it’s not really reality.

I think another sign of an episode is the voices will get much louder and much more conversations will be heard.

They become an unbearable, unstoppable force that can’t be controlled or rationalized.

They’re illogical and random.

Loud and imposing.

They become engulfing and obsessive almost.

So does my paranoia – and that’s another tell.

It skyrockets.

I’ll start to shake with a toxicly preoccupied body.

And my fatigue just sort of fades.

I think that’s why I always thought these were manic episodes.

Because of my mood elevations that come with it.

That’s something I’m going to continue keeping my eye on with all of this.

Because I’m 99% sure that all of my manic episodes are really psychotic episodes.

And they’ve just been seriously misinterpreted over the years, by me and everyone around me.

Because they look the same for me.

Being psychotic is not being a stereotyped “psycho” serial killer.

Being psychotic is just like being manic in many ways.

Uninhibited actions and words.

Erratic movements and actions.

Elevated mood and behavior.

Being more talkative and erratic with speech in general.

It all adds up into an episode.

It’s all psychotic behavior and it had been my normal for so, so so long.

It feels awkward now, reality does.

Honesty It feels like I’m in a foreign country or something.

Not just because I moved in my last big psychotic episode, but becasue of this new awareness I have more than anything.

Everything seems so alien to me.

Sure I speak the same language, but I don’t feel like I’ve been here for very long.

I feel like everything is so new.

I don’t know if that’s from my isolation, or from the fact that mental illness is a fucking jerk.

Either way it doesn’t change how I feel.

I started dating again and it’s scary.

I don’t want to fuck anyone else’s life up.

I don’t want to be let down.

I don’t want to be hurt.

But I have to give it a solid try.

Because what if?

What if I meet _____.

It could be game changing and amazing.

I have to try.

And so far, so good.

– Keren