I’m feeling off this week.

Socially, emotionally, off.

I feel like there’s a part missing in my life.

And it’s the social part.

I want to be social.

But I also completely dread it and don’t want to at all.

I hate being vulnerable because then I have a huge chance of being rejected.

And being rejected is terrible.

It also leads into my paranoia.

And I’m paranoid as fuck most of the time.

Being paranoid of rejection doesn’t make for a fun day.

I get that enough when I comment on facebook.

Which is why I completely stopped commenting and reaching out on there.

And it makes me not want to be social in real life.

I don’t want to be made to feel dumb or inadequate just because I gave an opinion or said something.

Granted people usually don’t have the same amount of anger in real life that they do online.

But it’s still risky.

Because I would love to be social.

As long as I knew that I wasn’t going to be made to look like an asshole, or undeserving of friendship like people can do online.

People are just so fucking rude when they’re not face to face.

They’re even rude over the phone.

I worked in a call center for a few years a while back and people said shit that I know they would never say in person.

They only said it because they weren’t in the same room as me, because they weren’t face to face.

I’ve had folks cuss me up one side and down the other when I’m just trying to get them registered for a doctor’s appointment – that was my job.

And people hated giving me their information.

Even when they knew they had an upcoming appointment and I had already verified who it was with and what it was for with them.

Some people would even hang up on me.

It’s just like facebook is.

People act like the worst version of themselves all the fucking time.

And they hide while doing it.

They hide behind a computer screen, keyboard, or phone.

But with all of these experiences, it makes me nervous to try to make friends in real life now.

I mean, people don’t talk to one another like they used to.

I used to be able to go up to someone at a coffee shop and talk to them.

Nowadays that’s a cringe thing to do, it’s awkward.

People are stuck in their own worlds.

And anytime I do make a friend and we text for a while, but it fizzles out quickly.

Within a few days or weeks.

They already have friends.

I’m the one who doesn’t.

I’m the one who’s trying to reach out.

They’re the ones who are bored with me because I don’t do anything interesting – to them at least.

I do stuff, it’s just boring stuff to most people.

And due to my schizoaffective disorder, I can’t remember the bulk of my life to tell stories of my past – which is also boring for most people.

How do I make myself vulnerable yet keep up most of my walls?

How do I trust people to not abandon me but remain strong?

How do I begin to trust people in general again?

Because I don’t, I haven’t trusted anyone for years now.

It’s very difficult for me after being abandoned so many times by supposed “best friends”.

Out of the blue abandoned too.

All times via fucking text.

They don’t even have the balls to call me or to do it in person.

They’re cowards about it.

And so now I just sincerely do not trust people to be honest with me.

To stick by me.

To truly want to be my friend.

I doubt people.

I don’t believe them.

That’s the other big part of the problem – I don’t believe people.

I don’t believe anyone.

My paranoia gets the best of me most times and I can’t think straight about typical issues and situations.

They get all sorts of twisted in my mind.

It’s like my mental illness takes over the wheel in my mind and it starts to override any sort of normal function or interaction with others.

And I always assume the worst.

I always think that people are out to destroy me emotionally.

That people are trying to fuck me over on purpose.

And the niceties that they’re showing me at first is just a ploy, a game.

A trick to get me to trust them.

And when I do finally open up, they’ll just break me.

They’ll tear me apart on purpose, just like everyone else has.

It’ll just be the same bullshit dressed in different attire.

Honestly, it all comes down to trust.

And I don’t trust many people at all.

It comes down to about a handful of people.

It’s just tough when everything that could go wrong in the past, has gone wrong, ya know?

I had a best friend of over 20 years drop me as a friend via text, out of nowhere.

Granted, I was in the beginning parts of my big psychotic episode, so there may have been something working up to it that I don’t remember, but I don’t have any recollection of anything.

To me, it was a dumping 100% out of the blue.

She said she needed to “bow out” of my life, that’s all I remember from the text.

Not soon after that, my other supposed “best friend” since middle school just blocked me after we hung out one night.

Blocked me everywhere.

On the phone, on facebook, on instagram, everywhere.

We had hung out the night before with zero issues.

When she went to leave, we said the normal things, “talk soon” or whathaveyou…

But she dropped me the next day everywhere.

And I had, yet again, no idea what I did wrong.

The two people I trusted the most just up and dumped me at the drop of a hat, and back to back of one another.

They dropped me about two to three months apart.

And everyone else fell off along the way of my big psychotic episode over the next year or so.

I lost pretty much everyone who I talked to regularly.

There were a few who I dumped along the way.

Because as I started to change, they kept asking the same questions and those questions didn’t apply to me anymore.

And when I told them the questions didn’t apply to me anymore, they still kept asking them.

Which was fucking triggering for me.

I had one friend that would ask me every single time we talked, if I had spoken to one of the “best friends” who had dumped me.

Like, no.

No I haven’t.

Nothing has changed.

And it hurts me when you fucking bring that up.

Why do you keep bringing that up?

Next time we’d talk, he’d ask again if I’d spoken to that friend.

NO, I FUCKING HAVEN’T.

DUH.

MOVE ON.

STOP ASKING ME THE SAME STUPID AND HURTFUL QUESTIONS.

Don’t you think if I had talked to her that would be a subject matter that I would bring up to you within the first part of our conversation?

Dude, seriously, stop.

There’s no need for hurtful shit like that.

Quit bringing up the past.

It’s done.

It’s over.

This is a breach of trust too, in a way.

I trust my friends to not purposefully hurt me.

So when they do, they’re breaking their contract with me basically.

And when they do it over and over again, it’s just hurtful.

And friends aren’t supposed to be hurtful.

-Keren