I’ve been feeling very, I don’t know, annoyed this week.

Very agitated and anxious are probably better descriptors.

I’ve been thinking obsessively about going back to work.

So much so that it’s been giving me anxiety attacks.

I had one Wednesday while at my therapists office.

I have an hour between group and one on one therapy and I usually just sit in the art room with a couple of other folks that just hang out.

So I was in the art room but Bruce was being antsy and I was thinking too much and I kept getting up and going outside because Bruce was being antsy and we kept getting up and wandering around and it’s hot out so it was making me sweat going outside like that and then I started obsessing about how I couldn’t stop sweating and before I knew it my breathing was shallow and I had to excuse myself into a different, quieter room at the front of the office while I waited for my therapist.

And I calmed down slowly.

But I’ve been obsessing about finding a job this week.

And the kicker is that there’s nothing I can do about it right now.

I have another year of disability and I need to use it wisely and keep working on myself and keep getting stable and to a point where I can work and not let this get in the way right now but honestly it’s making me have ideations.

It’s a lot of fucking pressure.

The job market here is shit too the more I look around.

There’s nothing here.

There is, but there isn’t.

It’s really really making me really anxious.

I told my therapist I’ve been having ideations again.

What’s the fucking point?

I’m entry level still and I’m 42.

AI is going to take away all of these jobs and then what?

What the fuck is the common person suppose to do for work?

Homelessness is already just around the corner.

I just can’t stop thinking about it just being easier to just give up after Bruce is gone.

What’s the fucking point?

I don’t have anyone, no kids.

I don’t own anything besides a 2007 Honda Pilot.

I don’t have experience in any one job beyond customer service, and anyone can do that.

I sit here everyday waiting for something.

What? I have no fucking clue, but I’m waiting for it.

I just can’t stop panicking this week.

I feel like I should be doing something else but what I don’t know.

The whole point of taking this time is to work on myself and get stable and get to a good point mentally and physically and I still don’t feel totally stable.

Especially when I think about entering the real world again.

I know after almost 40 years of unchecked, random, constant psychosis episodes, I’m sure it’s going to take more than a couple of years to feel somewhat stabilized.

I just wish I knew how long it’s gonna take.

I wish I knew what day I will wake up on finally feeling better.

Because I’m terrified that I won’t be ready by next year.

I’m terrified that I’ll be feeling better, but I’m scared I’m going to run into the same problems at work.

I’m scared I’m going to still mishear people.

I’m going to hear things that haven’t actually been said.

I’m going to have a shit behavior problems again because of it.

I’m scared that I can’t learn new programs.

I’m scared there won’t be any jobs around.

I’m scared I literally don’t have the mental capacity to handle them.

Psychosis has made me dumber.

I can’t handle things the same, or focus in the ways I used to be able to.

I can’t retain things like I used to be able to.

And all of that seriously scares me for reentering the workforce.

Can I do it?

I don’t fucking know.

I seriously don’t know.

I think it’s residual from being at that office Wednesday.

Sometimes I feel like my panic attacks go on for days.

I used my TouchPoints and took Clonazepam Thursday.

I had too.

It’s been helping.

I took another Haloperidol too.

That’s been helping too.

I took it after taking a few weeks off of it after that last episode.

I don’t want to take it everyday but it helps immensely with my agitation and anxiety.

Well, my psych NP doesn’t want me to take it everyday, I wish I could take the Haloperidol everyday ontop of the Paliperidone.

But I guess whoever, the powers that be, look down on being on two antipsychotics at the same time – even though I was uncontrolled for so many decades?!

Seems like I would be an exception.

But what do I know, I just live in this fucking carbon prison.

I’m just feeling so fucking behind today.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to find a job that I like that pays well around here.

I’m scared that I won’t be able to handle it even if I do.

I’m scared.

Period.

And it’s not like I can take a trial month and go off for a little while, test out how having a job is again, and then have the benefits to fall back on again.

It unfortunately doesn’t work like that.

I wish it did though.

It’d be helpful.

God fucking forbid they help people get reintegrated back into society.

They don’t help veterans do it, why would they help the disabled do it?

How am I supposed to just jump back into work right now?

I mean, I know I have another twelve months, but that’s gonna fly by.

But I’m just supposed to be ready *snaps fingers* just like that?

It’s so fucking daunting.

I keep telling myself I’m not going to look at job postings today, but I end up doing it anyway and stressing myself out.

I was talking to my Dad about this a bit last night and the thing is that I’ve always found pretty cool jobs.

They’re usually pretty toxic, but I also think part of that was my old self being toxic too.

But I’ve always been able to find a job so I need to just trust that.

I’m just scared that I’m not going to be able to live up to expectations and standards.

That I can’t do it.

And I can’t stop these panic attacks that keep surfacing.

But I could stop looking at LinkedIn everyday.

It’s like I’m willingly, knowingly torturing myself.

And I just keep doing it.

– Keren