I feel horrible that I couldn’t put a blog entry together last week.

I wrote up some stuff, but I absolutely hated all of it.

So I just didn’t post anything.

I feel like I have nothing constructive to say right now.

Nothing of interest.

And I’m having a hard time putting my thoughts together.

I just feel out of it.

I’ve been so anxious lately.

And, I’ve been housesitting since Sunday now.

It’s been sorta lonely, sorta nice.

Bruce likes to just hang out on the back porch, so we’ve been doing a lot of that.

I got a head cold that started Wednesday when I woke up.

Today, Thursday, I feel a bit worse.

I’m hoping I wake up tomorrow feeling better.

I feel dizzy, achy, my nose is running constantly and I’ve got a sore throat.

No fun.

I had therapy via a telehealth appointment Wednesday morning too, because I’m in the middle of nowhere without a car.

I talked a lot about how anxious I’ve been lately.

And how I keep getting fucking car sick every time I’m in a car.

It’s frustrating.

If I wear my TouchPoints in the car, it’s not as bad.

But it’s seemingly unavoidable right now.

I knew the Pilot’s airbags randomly deploying last month affected me, I just didn’t realize the extent of it.

It’s like everything that’s ever gone wrong for me in a car, has been flooding back since then.

Especially when I’m in a car.

And I don’t appreciate my brain right now.

I got super anxious the first two days my parents had left here.

In fact, I wondered if I was getting sick even then, because I just wasn’t feeling like myself.

And what do ya know, I woke up Wednesday and today feeling like I have a decent sized head cold.

And I feel so achy and dizzy today that I haven’t been able to do much.

It’s been raining the past three days and just let up yesterday.

But I was feeling so crappy that I couldn’t walk Brucie still yesterday.

I can tell by the way he’s been wandering around the house today that he wants to go for a walk.

So, I just tried to ignore my head cold for fifteen minutes this morning, and walked him around the trail here a bit.

He ran, I walked, ha!

But it did feel good to move around for a few minutes.

My nose was running and I was dizzy when I got done, but it was worth it.

I’ve just been sitting in a recliner, tv on, laptop in my lap and Brucie at my feet for the past few days.

The rain kept us inside here for a few days at first.

It rained for three full days.

A steady rain that would soak Bruce every time he left the porch.

I wasn’t expecting to get sick while sitting here by myself.

I don’t know how stuff like that happens when I haven’t been in contact with anyone for a few days.

And I rarely get sick anyway.

I can’t help but think it’s due to the immunosuppressants getting out of my system.

It’s been a few weeks now, and I know they take a few weeks to months to get out of the system.

And I can’t help but think that my heightened anxiety is from coming down another step in my Paliperidone.

I feel like I’m having some agitation issues since I came down another step.

Antipsychotics sorta mute me.

Actually they mute me quite a bit more than I originally thought.

And I didn’t realize how much they mute some of these unwanted feelings until they surfaced again.

The seclusion here is sorta nice while I not only work through this head cold, but work through these feelings too.

This morning I was sweating, but kept getting chilled.

I hate that.

And I’ve just been thinking about how annoyed I’ve been the past few days.

Granted, I haven’t been feeling all that great at the same time.

But coming down another step on the Paliperidone has really affected me, much more than I thought it would.

Not in a bad way.

Just in a way where I need to work through some things.

I feel useless.

I feel lonely.

I’m agitated.

Not at anyone other than myself either.

It’s more like I’m having to feel things again that have been muted by the medication.

And they’re not happy, good feelings.

But they’re not horrible either.

Just sorta different.

I mainly have been having frustrations at myself for being at this point in my life without a solid financial net, and a car.

And because of that, I feel isolated.

Alone.

I’m seriously terrified that the bank isn’t going to give me a car loan, even with a co-signer.

It’s scary.

Someone else holds my fate in their hands.

I’m mad at myself for being so irresponsible with money for so long.

I know I couldn’t help it.

That my mental state wasn’t in the right place.

That I wasn’t capable of making good decisions for a very, very long time.

But that doesn’t make it any less annoying.

I’ve wasted a lot of money in my lifetime.

I don’t even want to think about how much money I’ve wasted on drugs over the years.

It’s too much.

I get disappointed in myself when I think about things like that for too long.

I have to start to forgive myself for those times in my life.

Because the feelings of disappointment in myself are thick sometimes.

Disappointed isn’t even a strong enough word.

It’s anxiety producing.

It makes my chest feel like it’s going to cave in.

Makes me feel like my legs weigh a thousand pounds each.

It makes me grind my teeth together – I’ll clench my jaw so fucking tight that it aches.

And that’s just some of the physical manifestations.

It makes my thoughts race in a terrible way.

I was starting to get sad, so I stopped writing there last night.

It’s now Friday and I’m feeling a bit better.

This morning sucked though.

I was sweating profusely but chilled for a few hours.

But I think I’m starting to kick it as of this evening.

You know how when you’re sick, everything is that much harder and doomy?

I think that’s what was happening to me this week.

I wasn’t feeling well, so it felt like my world was caving in.

Granted, I’m still terrified that I’m not going to get a loan.

And I’m still frustrated that I’m frustrated for no reason.

I still feel like the step down on the Paliperidone is making me feel feelings again that have been pushed in the background for a while.

But it’s not as doomy this evening.

It’s not as intense.

I still feel a bit dizzy.

I still don’t feel great.

But the anxiety is finally fading.

I’ve been sleeping a lot out here.

I mean, I’ve been sick, so there’s that.

So I’m not sure what’s from the sadness and anxiety, and what’s from being sick.

The more time that passes, and now that I know my parents will be back within the week, I’m feeling better, emotionally, while being out here.

I was really panicking there for a few days at first.

I did some laundry today and washed my pillowcases to get the germs out of them.

And I showered again.

That usually almost always makes me feel better.

I saw this quote meme thing on Facebook not too long ago.

It said “If you’re mad at the world, eat something. If you’re mad at yourself, take a shower.”

And I’ve been doing that since I read it, and both things do usually end up making me feel better about whatever situation it is.

Especially the shower aspect.

I don’t shower enough.

I try to shower every other day, but sometimes there’s three days between them.

And that’s usually when I end up getting mad at myself for something.

So I feel like there’s something to that quote.

There’s truth in it.

It’s now Saturday and I’m feeling even better.

I’ve still been a bit chilled while sweating today, but it hasn’t been as intense.

I’m moving around a bit easier and better today.

I hope tomorrow is even better.

I didn’t nap for hours and hours today.

So that’s a good sign.

I fell asleep for about thirty minutes this afternoon.

And that was it.

So, I am kicking this cold, slowly.

And I’m feeling less anxious today.

Feeling a touch more in control.

I’m still a bit doomy feeling, but that’s typical for me.

My parents will now be home within the week, which means I’ll be home within the week, and that for sure makes me feel better.

I haven’t really been comfortable here.

And their house is great.

It’s just not my home.

It’s theirs.

And when I was feeling really shitty the other day, I just wanted to go to bed in my bed, ya know?

But I’m working through it all.

It’s really mostly from coming down on the antipsychotic.

It had only been about five or six days since switching my dose up when I got out here.

Maybe a week, but I don’t think it was that long.

And this adjustment has been a bit tougher than the first step down.

It’s like a wall came down in my mind.

A blocking mechanism crumbled.

And not in a why where I’m feeling positive symptoms.

More in a way that, like I said earlier, I’m feeling feelings again that have been muted for a few years now on that maximum dose of Paliperidone.

I feel like it’s honestly a good thing that I’m feeling these types of emotions again.

I don’t think it’s bad.

I don’t feel like I’m bordering on psychosis or anything –  because of the Niacin and Vitamin C, which I’m still on the full therapeutic doses of for both.

It’s just different.

It feels like it’s a pretty significant shift in the way my brain is processing and dealing with my emotions and feelings.

I noticed within the last week and a half that I’ve stopped drooling too.

So, that’s awesome.

So I think I’m just clearing up a bit.

That, hopefully, within the next week or so, I’ll be less tired and so lethargic from the medication change, and will be able to think a bit clearer too.

I’m glad that this head cold is loosening up too.

I feel a bit more hopeful.

– Keren