I’ve had several panic attacks in the past week.

Big panic attacks.

So much so that I debated going to the ER with one of them.

But I think that my disability appeals have finally been approved.

I’m pretty sure I’ve got disability now.

Not 100% sure.

But I’m like 98% – 99% sure.

And that 1%-2% has been sending me into panic this last week.

Like, hardcore panic attacks where I can’t catch my breath.

Where the world feels like it’s caving in and so does my chest.

Because the wait has been three exhausting years for this.

And I’m pretty sure it’s all over now.

Well, this chapter is over now.

But I was waiting on a financial overview and the final touches. 

But didn’t realize that was for SSI benefits, not SSDI.

And I was going for the SSDI benefits, which I now have.

I worked on my anxiety a lot this week in therapy.

My anxiety is the thing we work on the most in EMDR.

And I’m grateful for that.

It’s the most helpful form of therapy that I’ve done since DBT.

And the process brings up so much fatigue.

I came home from therapy on Thursday, so tired.

I was finally able to nap yesterday too, because, like I said, I think my disability is finally approved.

And the hardcore anxiety feeling that was sitting at the base of my neck all last week is letting up finally.

I’m in shock still.

I slept like all day yesterday.

Because I’m sure it’s good to go now.

Everything on my account through the ssa says “active” when it comes to payment amounts and dates.

And apparently (it says) my Medicare is active now too.

So now I have to figure out insurance things and other stuff soon.

I’ve gotta update a lot of things now.

But it’ll be real when I actually get the money that’s on backpay for me.

That’s when it’ll be really real for me.

Until then it’s going to be stuck in this dream like state.

Because I don’t fully believe it yet.

I haven’t had many psychotic symptoms lately either.

And I know that’s because I’ve been back on the Haloperidol as needed.

I’ve been taking it when my thoughts get overwhelming too.

Because my psychotic symptoms are all over the place and don’t show up as the same thing very often.

Or maybe I still just don’t notice them everytime.

They’re more of a series of events than anything right now.

My auditory hallucinations have been kept at bay the last few weeks.

Surprisingly enough.

There’s been more murmurs than anything.

And I think that’s because I stopped smoking.

I would hear things while I was outside smoking everyday.

And now that I don’t smoke, they’ve been morphing into more of a constant murmur even when I’m inside.

They just morph in general, into more “plausible” things to freak me out with.

Like whispers or sounds of conversations that are just in the other room.

I’ve had some shadows recently.

Bug or insect like shadows that dart across the floor, over my feet.

Other than that it’s been the crushing anxiety.

And the racing thoughts.

Obsessive, random thoughts that take over and repeat and replay over and over in my head.

Quitting smoking has been super stressful.

I mean, I knew it would be.

But it’s been exceptionally fucking hard.

Ontop of the morphing hallucinations, the stress from quitting smoking has been egging on my symptoms too.

My feelings of worthlessness and antsiness.

The constant and repetitive thought patterns over nothing.

My thoughts have been out of control this week.

The looping thought patterns have been maddening.

And they’re so fucking negative and doomy.

It feels like I can’t think straight because of it.

It’s weird, I thought there’d be confetti coming from the ceiling or something once I got disability.

But my account status just changed and life moves on.

All of the agony of waiting is now done.

Well, I have to wait for the first deposit, but that’s doable.

It’s the years of waiting that are over now which I’m so grateful for.

Everything feels so dreamy still.

Like I’ve been dissociating dreamy, not like an actual dream.

Like time has stopped and sped up all at once.

I’m grateful it’s over for now. 

Getting on disability is weird.

It should be an acceptable job change in my mind.

When you can’t handle the work force anymore or just right now there are tools to use and have if approved.

But I feel gross because of it.

Is it the toxic positivity movement type shit?

Or should I actually feel bad for being on disability now that it’s here?

Should I keep it a dirty little secret like my mental illness was in the first place?

Or should I be proud that not everyone can prove their worth to the government?

Should I scream it from the mountain top?

Or should I just continue to whisper it on the sidewalk?

Or should I just not tell anyone?

Too late for that now.

But It doesn’t seem to be that epic of a thing to anyone but me.

Should I be ashamed?

Aren’t there enough things to be ashamed of already?

Maybe that’s why it hasn’t really hit me yet.

I don’t know how to feel about it.

Like most of my happiness, this too was dashed almost instantly.

– Keren