I’m wearing two pairs of pants today.

I’ve got leggings on, under my jeans.

It’s 30° outside here in Texas, and that’s cold as fuck for here.

I’m not used to the cold anymore.

It’s refreshing, but foreign feeling.

As much as Bruce would love to just sit outside all day today, we’re staying indoors most of the day.

I had to walk on my treadmill last night, when the temperature dipped so low so quickly.

I wasn’t having it.

But I’m slowly getting used to it and find it quite a nice change.

I miss winter.

I met my new primary care doctor on Monday this week.

She was good.

Very thorough.

She’s a DO, which I love.

She had a notepad with notes from my chart with her, and asked me about my pain levels straight away.

She had read my fucking chart before coming into the room.

Floored.

No one does that anymore.

We talked about how I’m looking for a rheumatologist.

Medication refills.

And I brought up my binge eating and recent weight gain.

I had googled a bunch of stuff over the weekend regarding appetite suppressants and medications to help kick start another weight loss path.

I entered every single brand/type of weight loss medication into my insurance’s portal and nothing is covered.

Nothing.

Great.

So I told her that too.

So she put me on Phentermine for the next three months.

Then I have to take a month off.

And then, if I want to, I can do another three months of it after that.

If I find it helpful.

I started it today, it’s Wednesday. 

So far so good.

I’m not feeling too jittery or wired or anything like that, and I’m not hungry yet.

So we’ll see what happens.

It’s like it’s helping with some of my ADHD symptoms already too.

I feel like I can focus today.

I don’t feel as foggy either.

We’ll see if I actually get anything done though.

I’m noticing a huge difference in my depression and pain symptoms and levels with being on Duloxetine.

My mind is clearing up.

I’m not feeling as agitated and doomy.

It feels like a fog of some sorts is lifting.

It feels like I got wrapped up in a warm blanket on a cold day.

It’s just been since yesterday that I’ve been feeling more optimistic.

More peaceful.

The dosage got upped from 30mg to 60mg on Monday.

I looked it up and 60mg is the standard, and maximum dose for the medication.

My depression symptoms just seem further away today, which is a really, really welcomed feeling.

My brain has been a little anxiety producing machine the past few months.

Worrying about nothing and everything all at the same time.

Freaking out about the present.

Freaking out about the future.

What it holds for me.

The other great thing about the Duloxetine is that my pain levels have significantly reduced.

Easily have been cut in half.

My pain levels still spike, don’t get me wrong, they’re not gone.

But the overall reduction is extremely helpful for my body and mind.

The constant ache of my knees and back usually makes me feel pretty anxious and obsessive.

And I figured on one of the colder days this winter, my pain would be higher than it is today.

It’s reasonable today, my pain levels are.

They’re not amped up from the weather today.

Which is very nice.

We’ll see if it sticks, it’s suppose to be cold all week.

We’ll see if the pain stays at bay or not.

The ablation seems to be kicking in as well.

I’ve noticed every day this week my nerve pain has been less and less, which is fucking fantastic!

It’s now Thursday.

It’s still freezing out and I’m feeling really, quite good.

I did a rabbit hole dive on SNRI’s (which is what Duloxetine is) and I’m pretty convinced my nerves and my seratonin levels are off.

Not my dopamine.

Well, they probably are off, I just don’t need more of it.

Because increased dopamine levels are thought to bring on psychosis symptoms.

And when I was on Wellbutrin years ago, which is a dopamine receptor medication, that shit made me quite literally psychotic as fuck.

So I really think my dopamine levels are good, it’s my seratonin that’s off.

And the medications help regulate the molecular miscommunications.

I’m not 100% yet, but the Duloxetine seems to be really fucking helping.

I’m waking up every day this week feeling a little bit better and a little bit better.

And by better I mean less doomy.

More hopeful.

I’m able to see further, beyond today.

I’m not as anxious.

And I’ve only had to take a couple of the Clonazepam since I got it.

Today I’m feeling, dare I say, optimistic?

I started learning Spanish.

I got the Duolingo app and started the other night.

I’m feeling relaxed and focused.

I got on LinkedIn again too.

Just to see what’s out there and update a couple of things.

It’s daunting.

I’m not vaping as much.

I’m sticking to my diet.

And I’m sorta fucking hopeful today and that’s a refreshing fucking change.

I can’t remember the last time I felt like I’m gonna be fine.

I hope it sticks around.

– Keren