I get so down on myself sometimes.

I hang out with someone and just end up going home after two hours because I can’t handle being out in public.

And I was just sitting at a friends house.

I get worn out.

It makes me exhausted to just chill for a couple of hours with someone.

Anyone.

It doesn’t matter who or where.

Even when I leave my parents house every Saturday, by the evening I don’t want to talk to anyone or see anyone for a solid two days after that.

Nothing against them.

Nothing against any of my friends.

I just get worn the fuck out being social anymore.

It takes a lot of my energy to be alert and pay attention and converse, regardless of who’s in my company.

And this makes me sad.

Very sad.

People used to recharge me.

I used to thrive being around other folks.

Nowadays it’s exhausting to be social.

Even for just an hour or two.

It’s sorta devistating really.

I used to love my retail jobs and the thought of going back to retail when I’m done with disability is scary to me anymore.

Everytime I really worked I made myself sick.

Mentally.

Physically.

All of it.

It’s anxiety producing.

And not just a little anxiety.

Like when I come home from being social for a little while I fucking crash when done.

It’s like my extroversion has turned to advanced introversion over the last few years.

Since I’ve been on antipsychotics it’s gotten worse.

So there is a downside to them.

I love antipsychotics, don’t get me wrong.

It’s just the side effect for me of losing that social aspect of myself is semi devastating.

This is part of what I mean when I talk about not really knowing myself anymore.

About not being me anymore.

Everything that I used to do and love is toxic for me now.

It’s like it’s always opposite day for me.

Like I’m never feeling good anymore.

Always just off feeling somehow.

And then it gets worse when I’m social.

I feel depleted after being social now.

And when I’m out I just think about being back home sitting on my couch by myself.

I’ve never been this introverted.

I’ve never been this quiet.

I’ve always been the loud obnoxious one.

And I’m just not that person anymore.

I’m outgoing I guess, but I much prefer to be at home with Bruce, by ourselves.

I just feel so lost nowadays.

I feel defeated.

Alone.

By choice and by demand.

It’s so alienating.

Such an odd and uncomfortable feeling.

One I’m not used to.

So, is this part of my new normal?

This dread of being around people?

I don’t like it.

In fact I hate it.

I used to be so outgoing but I’ve lost that part of myself.

As I wrote about this I took a break and did some heavy thinking.

I don’t want to force myself to be social but I sorta need to.

So, today I signed up for some starter yoga classes and a guided meditation.

I’m pretty excited for them.

I’m trying the guided meditation class first though.

That one’s on Tuesday afternoon.

I’m excited for all of it though.

To get some flexibility back in my world.

And maybe even meet a friend or two, that would be nice.

I may hate it and stop.

And that’s okay too.

But it’s worth a shot and it’ll get my blood flowing and muscles stretched.

It can’t be that bad.

I have knee injections going on early, early this morning.

I had to be in San Antonio around 8am.

I had to be up at 6am.

Which is hella early for me.

I was not really looking forward to the traffic that time of day or the pain aspect.

But I was looking forward to the relief that the cortisone injections can bring.

Sometimes it’s a few weeks.

Sometimes it’s a few months.

We’ll see what it holds this time.

The clinic I just started going to told me I have to have three rounds of cortisone injections before I can do any gel injections.

I’ve even had PRP injections in both of my knees and left big toe.

It seems like I’ve done every type of knee and back injections you can get over the years.

I’d love to do arthroscopic surgery and clean my knees up.

But I’ve been told I’m past that point and replacements would have to happen now.

And I’m dreading that.

So I’m doing everything I can to not do knee replacements.

I wish they would’ve done an arthritis clean up years ago in my knees.

I might’ve been in a better place now.

But oh well.

Can’t change it.

I’m hopeful that the yoga I’m starting back up this week will help too.

I hope it doesn’t hurt me.

I have a feeling I’m going to move slower than the rest of the class.

I’ve been trying to take my mind off of the fact that everything is draining.

I’m trying to do something small in my life that will hopefully help me not only build some relationships with people, but help with my own physical health too.

And mental health for that factor.

The yoga class that I’m going to on Friday this week is about trauma releasing techniques.

So that’ll be really good to tie in with all of the EMDR therapy work I’ve been doing too.

We’ll see.

I had a dream last night where I was unfamiliar with everyone around me, yet they all claimed to be my friends.

I was lost at first.

Lost in a co-op house in a random city.

And then when I finally got back to a familiar room it was full of people that were my friends.

Yet I didn’t know any of them, but I went along with it.

Because I didn’t want to be alone outside anymore.

Sorta fitting I thought.

– Keren