I can’t keep doing the same things and expect things to be different.

That’s literally insanity.

I have been an oversharer most of my life.

But that’s not me anymore.

Well, rather, I don’t want to be that person anymore.

So how do I stop talking?

How do I read the social cues that most people are well aware of?

Why can’t I see the line?

Why can’t I stop talking?

This time I think I’ve been coming off of a short manic episode.

And not taking my meds half of the week before last isn’t helping anything at all.

I’m sure that was the catalyst.

I was also spiraled into a short psychotic episode too – my symptoms have been terrible lately.

(By saying short, I mean less than a month long)

All the symptoms came out this week and last.

If I’m being totally honest, the week before that even I was very, very, very antsy.

Looking back at my mood app and other tracker apps, I’m pretty sure the manic episode came on even thicker when I stopped taking my meds – that just made things worse.

I’ve been hot headed and agitated and word vomiting.

Not a great combination.

Not beneficial behaviors.

I did get kicked out of my rheumatologist’s office last week for cussing out the office manager.

So, that happened.

Oops.

But they did raise their prices for bilateral knee injections from $189 to $863.

And that’s bullshit because I’m self pay there.

They stopped taking my insurance two days before my last appointment there in January of this year.

It’s all horesshit.

They’re horesshit.

I’ve just been feeling very fucking pissed off this week.

And that’s how my mania usually shows up – as agitation, not as euphoria.

My bipolar rage runs deep in me.

It sits next to my darkness and they’ll surface, hand in hand, whenever they want to.

Just to sabotage me.

And the last couple of weeks, they’ve been trying to take over me again.

I went out and got a piercing yesterday, just on my left ear.

A rook piercing.

I honestly really wanted to use, but I got a piercing instead.

I don’t know what got into me other than I had to do something about this restless, destructive, antsy energy in me.

Something was going to break and quick.

And in my opinion, getting a piercing is way better than going out and getting drugs.

Oh, and I also bought a book by Gabe Howard who hosts several mental illness focused podcasts for Healthline/Psych Central.

Inside Bipolar is the one I’m listening to now, but he’s a co-host or host of other mental illness based podcasts as well, and he also deals with a bipolar with psychotic features diagnosis himself.

So he’s well, well aware of the struggles and stigma.

His book is called “Mental Illness is an Asshole and Other Observations”, and I’m pretty excited for it.

It’ll be here on Friday the tracking says.

It should be pretty validating and hopefully informative.

Getting back to the bipolar rage.

I have had manic episodes that are euphoric, but the majority of my manic episodes are me losing it on someone or something, even when it’s something super small.

I just explode on shit.

Instantly I’m fucking livid.

And it’s usually over a miscommunication or is something I thought someone said.

Which now that I have the schizoaffective diagnosis, makes a ton of sense.

I wasn’t hearing what was actually being said.

I was hearing whatever the voices were feeding me.

They would say one thing while another thing was happening and because I didn’t know they weren’t real, I took all of it in and accepted that as reality, when it wasn’t real.

And I self harm more often in manic episodes, do random shit, I don’t think about consequences and everything works out for a bigger reason while manic.

There are signs everywhere too.

Signs that I was meant to do what I did.

Signs that my actions are right and just according to the universe and the signs I keep seeing.

While in a depressive episode I tend to not give a fuck about myself or anything for that matter.

The mindset is the opposite of when in mania.

When in mania, I have this way of pumping myself up.

That everything is going so well and I’m so much better and I’m so able to control myself.

But I’m not able to control myself while like that.

What happens is that I almost blackout while doing shit.

Like yesterday I remember going to and leaving from the piercing place, but not much else besides the self loathing.

I have been known to spend money I don’t have during these manic times too, like yesterday, but worse.

And I’m so glad I don’t have a credit card or a bank account to overdraft right now.

Otherwise this week and last could’ve gone very, very poorly and I would’ve been very, very mad at myself this week.

But I didn’t do that, so that’s good.

Progress, I guess?

And my rage is endless.

It starts at my toes and ends at my mouth, it feels like it bypasses my brain.

It can be super embarrassing at times.

The person who I was this last week is who I used to be.

I can still feel parts of that Keren lingering in me.

She’s got a shit attitude and cusses at people often.

I don’t want to be that version of myself anymore.

I can’t keep thinking I was this amazing person when I was off of medications, because I fucking wasn’t.

I was a hot, shitty mess of a human before antipsychotics.

And I’m having trouble recognizing what’s a bad idea right now.

And that’s a sign of mania for me.

Everything sounds awesome.

I didn’t realize this was happening until I left the piercing place yesterday.

I was kicking myself the second I got in the car.

What the fuck did I spend money on that for? 

Why am I like this?

Why did I overshare to the piercer?

Why can’t I shut the fuck up?

Ah, right, I’m 100% sure that coming off my Paliperidone for just three days the week before last has thrown me in to an even heavier manic episode than was already happening.

I checked my mood app to see if there was any pattern or anything and sure as shit, I’ve been “annoyed at life” for the past couple of weeks now.

It started about a week and a half or so before I missed the first dose of Paliperidone.

And I think yesterday was not only a slap in the face, but a wake up call as well.

I left the piercing place with a smile and by the time I got home ten minutes later, I was crying.

I don’t know why I do the things I do.

I can’t tell you how many Amazon purchases I’ve canceled directly after purchasing because I instantly have buyer’s remorse and can’t really afford the purchase.

I just don’t have the cash to spend and I got a wild hair in my ass and fucking did something that was stupid and careless.

I didn’t think before I did it.

I just did it.

And that sense of spontaneity is amazing and fun sometimes, and that’s part of myself that I do enjoy, at times.

But yesterday was impulsive.

I got the idea for a rook, and within an hour it was done and over with.

It’s like I don’t think – like I can’t think when I’m like this.

It’s like someone in the car in my brain takes over the wheel and there’s nothing I can do about it but ride it out and hope I don’t fuck up too much.

That’s the mental illness part.

I’m left sitting here, hoping that nothing too detrimental or awful happens.

Now it’s time for my radical acceptance to come into play.

It is what it is.

It happened, I can’t change that, and now I have to move on and learn from it where I can.

Take what I can, apply the tools I have, and let it go.

I am not a bad person because I got a piercing, maybe that was a little irresponsible, but it doesn’t make me bad.

It just is.

And I’m not saying it’s good either.

Radical acceptance is just that, acceptance.

It’s just saying that it happened, not judging it or putting a label anywhere on it.

It’s a tough concept to grasp, but I think that’s the biggest thing I learned from my DBT IOP (Intensive Outpatient Program) while living in Denver.

Once I really accepted this tool, it worked wonders.

I don’t hold onto nearly as much bullshit as I used to.

I can let things go much quicker than I’ve been able to in the past.

So here’s to hoping I can let this go quickly too.

The last thing I need is more self loathing.

– Keren