psychosis
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An Incomplete Puzzle
The past couple weeks I’ve gone to a life skills class at my therapist’s office. They have an art room there too folks just hang out in. Sean, my therapist, actually runs the group and suggested I give it a… Continue reading
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Anxious With The Wait
It’s been a strange feeling week. I’m so anxious for my disability hearing next month that it’s making me nauseous and so anxious I can barely stand to be around myself. I’m glad I get the opportunity to speak and… Continue reading
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Voices and a Theory
This week has been bad and I’ve been struggling. I’ve been having horrible breakthrough symptoms this week, but today I feel a bit better. Yesterday was day four back on Haldol. I can feel it working, but it just makes… Continue reading
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Milestone Weight Loss
It’s been an alright week. Pain levels are back to their full and dull roar, and I haven’t had many big hallucinations, just small ones. I also hit a milestone and lost 100lbs this week. Then I treated myself and… Continue reading
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Pain and a Walker
My pain levels are finally starting to recede! I hope I don’t jinx anything by saying that. And the pain isn’t all gone, it’s just dulling. It never fully leaves. But my inflammation is way, way, down and practically back… Continue reading
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Suboxone
I can barely walk again today. This is week three of intense pain levels that show no sign of slowing. I can barely sit up and go to the bathroom. Sitting down on the toilet with bad knees makes it… Continue reading
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Depression Part Two
This week I’ve still been feeling pretty dark. Not actively, quite subconsciously. Deep, deep, deep down. I’ve struggled with depression since I was around twelve or thirteen years old. I’m trying so hard to not be depressed (like I can).… Continue reading
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A Sense of Dread
I showered today. That’s my big news this week. I’ve been feeling very fucking meh to blah this week. Very antsy too, but I’m also not really able to think or write. But I didn’t get antsy enough to start… Continue reading
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It’s Not Laziness
This week has been surprisingly decent in regards to not having many breakthrough symptoms. My symptoms have been significantly dulled since getting used to the oral Invega/Paliperidone. I talked about that in therapy on Thursday this week, and so far,… Continue reading
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Pain and Tardiness
My body has been hurting so, so bad this week. I’m in the middle of a fucking inflammatory arthritic flare now. My right knee hurts so, so, so bad. And so does the left one, and my left foot, and… Continue reading
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Sleep and Others
There were more auditory hallucinations over this last weekend. They seemed to have drifted off throughout the week though. They got quieter. It was just a lot of mumbles and feeling like I’m in a crowd, or there’s a group… Continue reading
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What A Birthday Week
I’m so annoyed with my psych clinic. I’ve been waiting over a week to be switched from the brand name Invega injections, to generic, oral, Paliperidone. They’re the same thing, but one is a shot, and the other is a… Continue reading
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A Medication Change
I’m waiting on a call back from the nurse at my mental health clinic again. I left a voicemail again on Wednesday, but I’m trying to not be annoying to the nurse at the same time. When I did talk… Continue reading
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Frustrated
This week has been decent I guess. Some family was visiting and I got to hang out for a few hours with them, so that was nice. My symptoms haven’t been too bad but the whispers and voices have been… Continue reading
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Adjusting
I’ve been feeling off since being taken off the Haldol. I feel agitated, restless, there’s more static type noises and whispers this week. The one bonus is that I’m not drooling as much. So that’s one good thing. I got… Continue reading
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The Denial
I haven’t been able to put much energy into my blog the past couple of weeks. I know I wrote some shit, but I was frustrated and symptomatic more than anything. It’s whatever. I’m trying to not be hard on… Continue reading
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Simulation and Situation
It has been a tough couple of weeks. I’m caught up in something I can’t control and it’s driving me up the wall. It’s triggering. And my hallucinations have been louder. The shadows are thick and the little balls dart… Continue reading
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Stress
This week has been much, much better symptom wise for me. I’ve been able to flow smoothly today. Awaiting the ebb, but not holding my breath. My psychotic and depression symptoms have been few the past couple of days. On… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustment
Well, I’ve been feeling better the past couple of days. Getting out from under the couch blankets to finally walk Bruce around yesterday and today was nice. My cough is still around but the wheezing has let up. I feel… Continue reading
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Under the Weather
I’ve had a terrible cold this week, so pardon me if this entry is not too terribly long or interesting. I honestly don’t have much to say I guess, I’ve been coughing and trying to rest, so we’ll see how… Continue reading
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Trusting Myself
I’ve been having symptoms kick up with my pain levels remaining quite high still. I also have an infection in a tooth of mine and am in need of a horribly helpful root canal. Boo. They’re just so uncomfortable. I… Continue reading
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Pain Levels and Depression Medication
My inflammatory osteoarthritis hasn’t been letting me sleep at all this week. Well, it’s been six days now of not being able to stay asleep through even half the night. It’s terrible really. I’m exhausted and can’t sleep because my… Continue reading
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Being Too Much
The radio noises don’t bother me too much, especially the music I hear. It doesn’t frighten me like the voices do. The murmurs that come along with the radio noises are not fun, and it makes me feel overstimulated with… Continue reading
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A Thick Fatigue
I have been feeling very, very “meh” lately. Not good. Not bad. In the middle. Sorta feeling blah and frustrated with myself. I haven’t been writing as much lately. Writing an entry is becoming a chore for me and I… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Eight
I have been pretty stable with medications lately. I just got my Invega Sustenna injection again this last Tuesday. They had switched up my appointment without telling me but luckily the nurse was available to give it to me really… Continue reading
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Dreams or Thoughts
I keep having these recurring things in my dreams. I’m always carrying a backpack or bag that’s too way way way too heavy for me. Like, once it’s off my back it takes someone helping me to get it back… Continue reading
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Imposter
It’s been feeling like I don’t have much to write about the last few weeks. I’ve been posting still, but I’m back to once a week right now for the most part. I sometimes wonder if the pain that comes… Continue reading
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Stability
Stability is not always a given for me. I don’t think it’s a given for a lot of folks out there. I fluctuate back and forth between being lucid and not. And back and forth on my ability to be… Continue reading
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A Weekend to Remember
I had a wonderful weekend last week. It was full of a wedding and blissful food and amazing, loving people. It was terrific. I only really had one hour or so of symptoms, hearing the other people that are really… Continue reading
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Suicidal Ideations
I know this will be hard for a lot of people to read, so consider this a trigger warning that suicidal ideations and thoughts are to heavily follow this sentance. I have been obsessing over this lump that I have… Continue reading
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Fixations and Bruce Wayne
I have this strange lump on the right side of my neck. I’m hoping it’s just a cyst or something harmless. And I won’t know much about it till Wednesday, when I have a follow up after the ultrasound tomorrow.… Continue reading
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The Foot Shuffle and Other Unhelpful Side Effects
There are several side effects from the Haldol that I’ve been dealing with. They’re pretty frustrating and annoying all at once. I know I’ve talked about the drooling. That’s still happening. It sneaks out of the corners of my mouth… Continue reading
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Childless
Sometimes I regret not having kids. I never wanted any, but I feel like I should’ve over the years. There was a time, a couple of months, where my ex husband and I were thinking about it. He wanted kids.… Continue reading
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Scary Relief
The voices are still here, in case you were wondering. I have been trying to focus on other things while they’re not as loud, but some days are better than others. And the last couple of days I’ve had some… Continue reading
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Shame
I think one of the toughest things with mental illness for me is overcoming the shame of not being a “typical” person. Because I don’t like the word “normal” unless I’m dealing with the smell of food. Like does this… Continue reading
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My Journey With Talk Therapy
I have had a long, tumultuous, relationship with talk therapy. I love it. I hate it. It’s alright. Fuck nah. Just to go back to it’s alright, again. I’ve run randomly through all of these feelings, sometimes lapping over another,… Continue reading
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Negative Symptoms
Negative symptoms are just as frustrating and scary as positive symptoms. I know I talk mainly about the positive ones, hallucinations, delusions and such. But negative symptoms are just as pesky and shitty as their counterpart. I’ve talked about it… Continue reading
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The Impact
I’ve been having more good days than bad since getting used to the Haldol. Voices and visual hallucinations have been quiet and few, further between. It’s so fucking refreshing. My hallucinations have been showing up in smaller ways. And my… Continue reading
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Behavior
I’m embarrassed about my behavior in the past. I know it’s not good to stare into the past, but I gotta learn my patterns somehow – and reflection is good for that. I was just thinking about all of the… Continue reading
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Drooling
It’s really strange to say this, but I’ve been drooling lately. Come to google this here. While I’m thankful for the validation, I’m frustrated that it’s not written about more. There’s not much on it. Some wordy studies here and… Continue reading
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More Auditory Hallucinations
There have still been some breakthrough symptoms being on the Haldol now. But there nowhere near where they were. And they’re showing up a little differently than they have been. The past couple of nights – after it gets dark… Continue reading
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Stability Loading…
I’m blown away by how stable I feel. Tired. But stable. Surprisingly stable. I was supposed to get my Invega injection on Friday last week, but the nurse left me a voicemail saying they had to reschedule me for after… Continue reading
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My Capacity
I haven’t been writing that much the past few weeks. Dealing with this medication change and adjustment has been pretty brutal. Very brutal. I’m starting to come out the other side slowly, but I feel like it’s taking an eternity.… Continue reading
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Anything Goes
Now that I’m getting used to the Haldol, I’ve been able to think again today. And clearer than I’ve been able to yet, which is such a welcomed and very promising feeling. Last week was no good for that, but… Continue reading
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Haldol
I can’t express the exhaustion I’ve been dealing with the medication changes from this week and last. It’s been much more debilitating than any other medication change before. I’ve been down for the count since starting the Haldol. And I… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Seven
I had to wait the weekend to hear back from my psych NP about a medication change. I had an appointment last Tuesday, but the provider canceled it last minute and I was rescheduled for over a month out. It’s… Continue reading
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Nomadic Protection
I’ve been told that I tend to drop things and want to leave people, places, and things once things get a touch easy. Or hard. Or stangent. Or if I just get straight up bored. I know I’ve thrived in… Continue reading
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It’s Tiring: Part Two
I was supposed to have an appointment with my prescriber (my psych NP) for my mental illness medications yesterday, but he called out and I got rescheduled. I did get my Invega injection at least. It was three days early… Continue reading
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Surveillance and Thought Broadcasting Delusions
I’m so tired of having constant symptoms. It’s been about a month now since I had the hallucinations of my third floor neighbors and I’m struggling. And I keep having fucking symptoms. Paranoia especially. I don’t know what to write… Continue reading
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The People my Delusions Pick
I’m friends with my upstairs neighbor. But the ones on the third floor are ingrained in my hallucinations and delusions. I have no idea why there is such a drastic difference in my perception of the two different apartments and… Continue reading
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The Right People
It’s really hard to wrap my head around things when I don’t remember much. I can’t recall much at all about anything. Why things went sour with someone. What I was thinking. Why this, that, or the other happened. I… Continue reading
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Blurry Noises
I’ve been hearing crowd murmurs for the last few days again. They first surfaced when I was 19 years old. I remember the night that I first heard them. I thought It was paranormal, of course. This hallucination sounds like… Continue reading
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Debbie Downer
I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading
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It’s Tiring
So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I made it all up. Or she was drunk like she gets. But she literally… Continue reading
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I Confronted the Neighbors
I went out and asked them if they had just been talking about me. Talking shit, technically. I just blurted it out when I looked up at the third floor balcony. They were both out there. “Were you guys just… Continue reading
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This Too Shall Pass
I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading
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Defining my Progress
I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading
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Delusions
It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading
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Side Note 2
These symptoms – hallucinations, delusions, paranoia.. they make me feel out of control. Like I don’t have a grip on my life. Like I’m lesser than a typical person because I can’t follow through with plans half of the time… Continue reading
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Stress Turns Into Symptoms
I know now that stress plays a huge part in my psychotic symptoms. I never realized how big of a role it carries. My symptoms are dying down again after a few days of being pretty heavy and thick. The… Continue reading
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Paranoid
My auditory hallucinations – voices, have been strong this week. Last night especially. They’ve been so strong that I have been extremely paranoid all week and it’s getting worse with the hours passing. At least I still went through with… Continue reading
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Mind and Body
I struggle with my mind and body giving out on me. The giving out of either part usually happens at different intervals. Different times. Several days of my mind not functioning properly. Then several days of my body not functioning… Continue reading
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Random Surfacing
The voices never really go away. I’ve been having a good week, but they’re still there. As frustrating as that is. They get worse at night. Once it hits the time where the sun starts to go down, it’s like… Continue reading
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Visual Hallucinations
I’m having a hard time letting myself just be today. I’m tired. Which probably doesn’t help. I feel like I should be doing more of something. But I don’t know what. And I don’t have the energy right now, anyway.… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Six
I was just sitting here thinking and realized that my having a better mood is directly coinciding with the rate at which my immunosuppressants for my arthritis have been working. It’s been about eight weeks of the weekly methotrexate and… Continue reading
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Reframing
I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait,… Continue reading
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Empty
I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is… Continue reading
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I Have to Balance
I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week. Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually. And I’m pretty sure that the recent… Continue reading
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The Wash and Fade
I’ve been feeling very, very blah this week. My Invega injection makes me so tired now that I don’t know what to do. I was resting most of this week because i couldn’t do anything else. And that feeling gets… Continue reading
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Bouncing Between Delusions (and Hallucinations)
I got my Invega injection today. And I honestly couldn’t wait for it. I’ve been having some breakthrough symptoms this last weekend. And last week. It felt like all the peace I had with the six or so day run… Continue reading
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Chatty
I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself… Continue reading
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Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations
I know it may be a bit hard to imagine what auditory hallucinations sound like. Believe me, I wish that no one would ever experience them. Ever. I wish it wasn’t even an option. But unfortunately it is. And I’d… Continue reading
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Negativity
It may seem as though I’m extremely negative while reading through my writings. That’s because I am. I’ll own it. I’ve grown into the negativity over the years. It’s been doomy in my head for decades now. In my experience,… Continue reading
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare: Part Two
I can’t even tell you how many therapists and psychiatrists I’ve seen over the years. Dozens. Easily. I currently deal with a doctor that doesn’t really believe me. He gives me the right medications. But when we talk he is… Continue reading
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“Anosognosia” and Delusions
I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered… Continue reading
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Invalidation: A Rant
When someone is dismissive of my mental illness issues and symptoms, it’s invalidating. It makes me feel as if I’m the one in the wrong. I’m making all this up. That it is just an invisible hurdle. That only I… Continue reading
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Eye Shimmy (Voluntary Nystagmus) and Other Signs
I know my world is much different from what typical people have. Especially when a psychotic episode is around the corner. I’m finally noticing little signs. Signs that I need to keep an eye on. My hallucinations flare up. Every… Continue reading
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Symptoms and Behavior
There’s a huge difference between symptoms and behavior. They do overlap. Quite often. And quite detrimentally at times. But they are very different parts of me. I thought they were kinda one in the same until this week. Behavior is… Continue reading
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Internally
I got in some good decompression last week. I can’t help but notice. That I’ve had a few days without symptoms now. It’s refreshing to not hear the voices constantly. Even though I don’t expect it to last long. Ever.… Continue reading
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A Situation
This week was awesome. I had a dear friend visit for most of it. I got to see the beauty. And the power of the ocean. And friendship. It was a great week. I did have symptoms during it. At… Continue reading
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The Luxury
I noticed that I’m starting to be aware of the weather again. It’s been sunny. Then rainy. Then sunny. Then rainy. All week. I’ve been noticing the shifts in temperature. And the bright shades of green pouring out of the… Continue reading
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Mascara
I put on mascara the other day. For the first time in months. I didn’t even go anywhere. I haven’t been looking that great lately. Physically. Not saying I look terrible. Just saying that I have been putting in zero… Continue reading
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Navigating My Mental Healthcare
I feel like I’ve been busy this week. But really I’ve been preoccupied. I had an arthritis medication that the doctor’s office just simply wasn’t doing anything about. I called each day this week. Because I had put in my… Continue reading
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The Blockage
It’s been three weeks. Only. And already. Three weeks since I started the daily Risperidone tablets. And only about one week since starting it twice a day. My goodness! How quickly my mood. And ability to think. Changed. In that… Continue reading
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The Birds
Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today… Continue reading
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Medication Adjustments
This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my… Continue reading
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2020
I’ve been pretty reflective the past couple days. I’m glad to be able to be today. It’s not always an option for me. I was thinking about my divorce. It was finalized three years ago last month. I was thinking… Continue reading
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Disconnections
I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday. I say that because I knew something was off. I knew my cheek had been sore. The past week or two. I’ve noticed some chewing issues. But it didn’t click. It… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Five and a Half
This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the… Continue reading
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Medications: Part Five
After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even… Continue reading
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Explaining
I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through. Verbally, that is. I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication. I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it. It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my… Continue reading
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Randomly Consistent
I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can… Continue reading
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Enhancing My Misery
Through the struggle of keeping my darkness at bay. My body is rebelling. Friday the tenth was my fifth and final bilateral knee injection of the series of five that I had to get. Every Friday. For the past five… Continue reading
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Appointment Reminders
My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because… Continue reading
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Radical Acceptance
I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you… Continue reading
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Audio Hallucinations
I have been thinking about documenting the voices like this for a while now. I did it a few times (that I can find) in my journal from this time last year. Reading my writings from a full psychosis episode… Continue reading
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The Neighbor Hallucination
It’s an on going thing for me. Hallucinations are. I hear the neighbors talk about me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I can ignore it. But it’s incessant. It’s been happening for many years now. The last few years they have… Continue reading
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Everything’s Different
My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They… Continue reading
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There But Not Here
Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess.… Continue reading
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Homesick
I’m noticing that my depression is rearing its ugly head. It’s surfacing pretty gradually this go-around. Sometimes it hits like a freight train though. It’s self loathing and doubt. It’s soul crushing shit. With the voices and everything that take… Continue reading
A Delusional Predisposition 