Disconnections

I realized I had a tooth ache on Sunday.

I say that because I knew something was off.

I knew my cheek had been sore.

The past week or two.

I’ve noticed some chewing issues.

But it didn’t click.

It didn’t register that my teeth were the issue.

After my last injection last Friday.

Like, two days later.

Things started making sense again.

I was able to put things together again.

I realized I was grouchy on Sunday.

And then I took a drink of cold water.

And shooting pains went through my tooth.

And spread out like a web.

Into the surrounding area.

I knew something was going on.

But I couldn’t tell.

The exact location.

Until after my injection.

It’s like signals that my body gives.

Don’t communicate with signals that my mind receives.

Or gives.

They don’t feel connected.

But for the past six months or so.

I’m realizing they are very connected.

Even for me.

I just have a difficult time.

Figuring out which one is which.

This is the disconnection in myself I talk about.

Where my body.

And mind.

Don’t match up.

They work separate.

And seemingly not together.

Without my mind operating correctly.

Everything gets thrown off.

Everything is chaotic.

Everything is slightly out of place.

And just not right.

But I can’t tell how.

Until my injection again.

When things become clearer.

This is where I’m hopeful that the addition of Risperidone will be helpful.

I hope I can think properly more often.

And have my mind be properly working.

Throughout the entire month now.

Not just for a week or two.

So pain like my toothaches.

Will be properly communicated in me.

To me.

It’s like my brain can’t catch up to all the signals my body is giving.

It just lets some of them pass by.

Or something.

They have a hard time working together.

But when my mind is clear.

They have an easier time communicating.

Like not noticing my teeth was my new issue.

Until my head was corrected.

I could feel the pain signals.

But I didn’t know where they were coming from.

I didn’t know what they were trying to tell me.

For a day or so last week I thought it might be sinus pressure.

That was making my cheek sore.

I just didn’t get it.

I can’t understand things.

Not right away.

Especially when I’m in such disconnect.

Even the things that are inside of me.

I can’t se or hear.

When I’m struggling with psychosis.

It’s like it’s too much.

And my mind literally shuts down.

And my body tries to send signals.

But my mind just doesn’t get it.

It quite literally doesn’t compute for me.

I got some temporary crowns put in on this Thursday.

And was at the dentist’s office for two and a half hours.

When the gal was fitting them.

They still felt too big.

And I didn’t know what to say to her.

I didn’t know how to explain the fit.

And I was desperately wanting to leave.

Badly.

So I just left.

I wasn’t able to actually shut my jaw.

The temp fillings.

Stick out. 

They were only area that touched my bottom teeth.

I couldn’t explain this to her yesterday.

I didn’t know what to expect.

And I guess they are temporary anyway.

This type of thing happens a lot.

I can’t properly communicate in the moment.

And once I’m in a place where I can reflect.

Or it’s the next day.

Or both.

I know what I should’ve said.

It’s almost always hindsight.

I wanted to call the office.

But I don’t want to be annoying.

Writing this out just gave me the courage to call.

They told me I could come in and wait.

Or have an appointment at 4.

I went in to wait.

I went in and made a scene.

So much for not being annoying.

I just get so frustrated.

And because I can’t communicate well.

People misinterpret me.

And I get more upset.

Because I’m not being heard.

But I’m not connecting the dots in my mind for others.

Because I have a hard time doing that for myself.

And because my jaw aches.

I can’t chew.

I can’t close my mouth.

And it literally feels like it’s driving me insane.

How can people not see my frustration?

Until it’s pointed at them?

I feel like I’m only taken seriously if I throw a fit.

Instead of driving away.

And taking my rage out on myself.

I sat down in the lobby.

And continued to wait.

If it’s awkward in here.

Maybe they’ll call me back sooner.

And they did.

Reinforcement.

But it’s not good.

Why do I have to practically yell to get my needs out?

Why do I have to break.

To be fixed.

I feel like a car.

That just can’t go.

Can’t move.

When it’s not running properly.

I feel like an asshole.

But now I’m in a dental chair waiting.

And frustrated with myself.

Because I let old behaviors surface.

But if I would’ve rolled over.

I’d be at home right now.

Still not able to close my jaw.

It’s maddening to not be able to use my words properly.

Because I see it.

And I try to change it.

And I just get thrown around.

And riled up.

By myself.

I know I act like an asshole sometimes.

But I am trying so hard to not.

I just can’t stand not being heard.

Turns out.

I’m not that good at doing the talking part either.

– Keren