It’s Not Laziness

This week has been surprisingly decent in regards to not having many breakthrough symptoms.

My symptoms have been significantly dulled since getting used to the oral Invega/Paliperidone.

I talked about that in therapy on Thursday this week, and so far, there’s a remarkable difference.

I was so used to having so many breakthrough symptoms as the monthly injections faded.

I was so used to it, which is terrible.

I would have two to three really good, low symptom weeks, to then a week where I felt like I had no medication in me as the injection would fade out.

Just to get another injection, and restart the cycle again and again every month.

I thought that was as good as it was going to get.

I’m happy I was wrong.

For the moment (and it is moment by moment), I’m fairly lucid feeling.

More lucid feeling than I think I ever have been in my adult life.

It can change so quickly with mental illness though.

So much so that I feel like I’m now awaiting something terrible to happen or some horrible symptoms will pop up soon or something.

And it’s beyond unpredictable when my symptoms will show.

So I could very well end up in a psychotic episode at any point in time without warnings.

There’s very little to no rhyme or reason to my symptoms.

Neither mental nor physical symptoms.

It’s quite unruly.

So to have moments like I’ve had this week, of just being, just being okay with existing, and trying not to judge it, I feel like I’m actually moving forward (or at least not going backwards) today.

Taking the oral tablets of Invega/Paliperidone takes away that week full of breakthrough symptoms.

I was hoping that would happen with the medication change, and it did, so far at least.

I am trying so hard to not sit here and wait for something bad to happen.

It’s been hard with the therapist transition too, that doomy feeling has been popping up.

I’ve been feeling like I’m not getting a good session lately, but it’s just because our relationship is so new and raw.

I’m not totally comfortable with him yet.

I worked with Hannah, my last therapist, for two years and now I’m trying to trust the new-to-me guy and it’s kinda fucking stressful.

I did talk to him about a lot of stuff this week though, my apprehensions and whatnot.

Stuff about not knowing if I’m “ready” for EMDR or not (he says I am where in the past I’ve been told that I’m not).

This week we had a really good session.

Last week I slept through the appointment, which I apologized again for and still feel like a jerk for missing.

But he wasn’t upset about it, so that was good.

I think I’m more mad at myself than anything.

I sometimes wonder if I over sleep to self sabotage, if it’s that conscious of a thing or not, I don’t know.

But I can’t help but notice I tend to oversleep more when I’m stressed and overwhelmed.

It adds to it all because then I can’t even wake up on time.

It’s not a laziness thing.

I literally don’t hear my alarm most days.

I sleep through it and when I was working, I would always get written up for being late in the mornings.

I don’t mean to at all. 

Even when my alarm is across the room I sleep through it, or get up and turn it off and go right back to bed, not conciouslly walking up in the process.

It’s quite a terrible and annoying thing to deal with.

And it looks like laziness, I’m sure of it.

With my unkempt apartment and dishes that always need to be done, laziness may seem to explain it to someone on the outside.

The real reason is that I have trouble keeping up with chores and self care in general.

Brushing my teeth is the big thing I forget to do all the time.

It’s embarrassing, especially when I go to the dentist because they don’t really understand why I forget to brush them and that I just can’t some days.

I have to explain the fact that I deal with huge hurdles when it comes to taking care of myself.

And then it sounds like I’m making excuses or something when I’m really just trying to explain what I struggle with.

I even have several post it notes that say “brush your teeth” on them around my apartment and I still can’t drag myself to do it most days.

It’s frustrating for sure.

I know it’s important, so I try to keep them clean when I can.

And it’s not like I don’t have time.

I have all day to brush my teeth, there’s just something about it that I can’t wrap my head around, that limits my ability to do so.

Same with showering.

I’m lucky if I shower more than twice in a week.

I try to, especially in the summer.

But I just sit here in my air conditioned apartment anyway, wasting away while the world passes by.

At least, it feels like it some days.

Other days it’s hard to just be here and I don’t have the capacity to think around or through that.

– Keren