A Situation

This week was awesome.

I had a dear friend visit for most of it.

I got to see the beauty.

And the power of the ocean.

And friendship.

It was a great week.

I did have symptoms during it.

At one point the voices were extremely loud.

And unnerving.

They made my hands visibly shake.

They showed up because I got stressed out.

I stressed myself out.

Like a lot.

And then my back started spazzing nonstop on top of it all.

It was a frustrating situation.

I held myself together though.

I mean.

I cried a little.

And bolted from the situation.

But I feel good about how I handled myself throughout the week.

I did a good job of not dwelling on things.

I had boundaries with my physical movement.

And I tried to not be hard on myself when I was feeling things.

Maybe because I was around great company.

Maybe because I’m getting better at trying to not be consumed by my feelings.

(Even though I still do sometimes.)

Probably a bit of both.

And then some.

For the most part this week.

I was able to brush off the symptoms that did show up.

Like I said.

I did bolt from a situation this week.

And that’s frustrating.

I get frustrated with myself.

Much more than anyone else could.

I got overwhelmed.

But like I said.

I had stressed myself the fuck out.

Before leaving my apartment the voices started up.

They were so loud.

Unbearable.

And they followed me into the car.

As I was shaking I told my friend that I had been hearing the “neighbors” before we left.

Loudly.

They sounded like they were standing right next to me.

And speaking very loudly to one another.

Talking about how I’m a bad person.

And the things I do wrong.

We got in my car.

And we took my dog, Bruce.

As we started driving the voices slowly dissipated.

They faded to tolerable levels again.

And I stopped shaking about half way there.

When we got to our destination I was still on edge.

From the voices.

From stressing myself out.

As we stood there for a while.

My back started spazzing terribly.

I mean, horribly.

So bad that sweat just started pouring off of me because of it.

As the spazzing was starting.

I was told there was an issue with Bruce when I left him with my parents overnight.

As Bruce gets older.

He’s been getting grumpier to other dogs.

But never to humans.

He’s also a chatty dog.

Being part husky he “talks”.

A lot a lot.

And it’s tough to decipher what’s him talking with what’s an actual issue with him.

If you’re unfamiliar with him.

But I was told he got vocal with a visitor.

And they were now uneasy being around him.

This situation caught me off guard.

This situation made me sad.

Unbelievably sad.

Unbelievably quickly.

My mind raced with me having to put him down.

And I know that’s irrational.

But I went there.

I was concerned.

And it’s hard to tell if he was upset.

Or just “talking” when I wasn’t there to hear the tone.

But I have never.

In ten years of having him.

Ever heard him growl or be mean to anyone.

He loves people.

And I think he was misinterpreted.

But I’ll never know.

And if he was being grouchy.

It’s destined to pop up again.

So I’ll keep an eye on him.

But literally the only night I’ve left him with someone in years he had an issue.

And I can’t help but think his chatiness was simply misunderstood.

The whole situation sent me spiraling.

Instantly.

My mind automatically went to how do I fix this if he was giving a warning noise?

Is he becoming unpredictable somehow?

What if I have to put him down before he’s ready?

What do I do?

What can I do?

How do I deal with this?

Questions questions questions.

Concerns concerns panic.

Bruce is my emotional support animal.

And he does an amazing job.

I cry and he gets on the couch.

Nuzzles his nose into my elbow.

And squeezes between my body and my arm.

So my arm ends up being around him as he puts his head on my shoulder.

It’s seriously the cutest.

I have never, ever heard or seen him be upset with a human.

Never.

So to hear he was being spicy.

After just hearing loud voices.

My back started spazzing extra hard.

And I was stressing myself out over something completely different than all of this.

In combination with all of this.

Was too much.

I had to leave the situation.

And gather my thoughts and frustrations with people not knowing the vocal range of my dog.

I’m not saying that he wasn’t spicy.

I’m just saying I’ve never seen that from him.

And everything was too much.

And I had to physically distance myself from it all.

I’m glad I did.

I handled the situation how I needed to.

I didn’t blow up.

I didn’t yell.

I just left the situation.

It may have seemed irrational from the outside.

But I know I did what was best for me in that situation.

We left and I started crying.

I had to pull over and feel the sweeping feeling of everything upsetting me at once.

And I felt it all.

And let it fade.

– Keren