Adjusting

I’ve been feeling off since being taken off the Haldol.

I feel agitated, restless, there’s more static type noises and whispers this week.

The one bonus is that I’m not drooling as much.

So that’s one good thing.

I got my Invega injection on Tuesday and have just been tired from all of it.

It’s a really big injection and it stings while it’s going in and leaves a decent bruise.

I told the nurse who gives me my injections that Alex (my psych NP) took me off of the Haldol.

She said why?

I told her he said he didn’t want me on two antipsychotics.

She rolled her eyes.

I agreed.

I really want to see a different psychiatrist, but then the Invega injection would be impossible due to cost anywhere outside of this clinic.

Right now I’m on a program through the community “free” clinic.

Which covers pretty much everything that my insurance doesn’t, and I’m grateful for that.

But it’s frustrating because I feel trapped there.

I guess I could always make an appointment with someone else and keep seeing Alex for injections.

I don’t know if that would fly, but I could try it.

I just want to see someone who’s actually, specifically, licensed to deal with folks like me.

Someone I can be a name with, not just another nameless face like I am now.

I bring Bruce with me to all the visits there, right?

And every single time I see Alex he tells me that my dog looks scary and is big and asks me his name.

Every single time.

I’m sick of not having a doctor to go to for symptoms.

I have someone who knows better than me about it and that’s that, what he says goes, no discussion.

No room for remembering names or anything.

It’s annoying because I don’t feel heard with Alex.

Like, at all.

He doesn’t ever remember me or my dog.

Whatever, I’ll stop bitching about it.

It’s just super stupid is all.

It’s getting old.

I guess I’m transitioning to a new therapist now too.

Hannah, my current therapist is going on maternity leave and has been sick the last few weeks of sessions.

So I haven’t seen her for several weeks now.

So they told me the new to me guy, Sean, will call me to set something up.

He hasn’t yet, so hopefully next week he will.

I’m sorta excited to start with him because he does EMDR therapy on top of CBT and a few other specialties too.

On the other hand it’s so daunting to start working with someone new.

I have to start at the beginning of my life story, afuckingain.

Which sounds horrible, because it is.

I’m trying to see that it might be beneficial to go through things again from a different perspective.

But it sounds like a lot of fucking work, and hard work at that.

It’s kinda scary because I haven’t started with a therapist for over two years now.

It feels like new territory this time though, all of it does.

I have a totally different outlook this time around.

And I’m in a way better place than I was two years ago.

I have a better understanding of what I’m up against now too.

It will be good to work on the trauma that was my marriage – and other shituations I have been in and around.

I honestly can’t wait to put it all behind me.

It’s much needed and about time.

This week my symptoms have been better- lighter, and fewer – I think it’s from the Invega injection.

But it’s welcomed relief after the past few weeks.

It’ll be interesting to see how being back to only Invega for an antipsychotic will treat me.

I’m guessing symptoms will rise back up slowly as I get further and further away from the Haldol being in my system.

It’s frustrating that he took me off of it so quickly after feeling a little better.

At least I still have it when I need it.

But I hate chasing this shit, I was ready to be on top of it.

But it is what it is.

There’s nothing I can do about it but complain to him but then he’ll just blame it on me.

Whatever it is.

Anyway, I’m done complaining.

Sorry not sorry for the bitch fest, hugs.

– Keren