Pain and Tardiness

My body has been hurting so, so bad this week.

I’m in the middle of a fucking inflammatory arthritic flare now.

My right knee hurts so, so, so bad.

And so does the left one, and my left foot, and my left ankle.

But my right knee is taking the cake again today pain wise.

The weekend went fine without much pain and then, wham.

All of the sudden my knees hurt so bad on Monday morning that I kept waking up from the pain throughout the nights this week.

I had to cut my walks with Bruce short this week.

I just can’t move without huge waves of pain sweeping over my legs right now.

The only thing that makes it better is lying down, and even then I can’t have my knees on top of one another like they are when I lay on my side.

I have to shimmy my legs to a point where both of my knees are each resting on the couch, one in front of the other, and not on top of one another.

If I have any more swelling from this, I’m going to have to call my rheumatologist for a steroid burst.

There’s nothing else that will work.

My swelling is bad, but not out of control just yet, so I’m hopeful that it won’t go that far this time.

But then I woke up on Friday morning with my right knee feeling as if it’s double the size it normally is.

So I did call the doctor for a steroid burst Friday morning, and they called it in for me.

I never know what’ll happen any day, anyway with any of it.

Mental, physical, emotional, any of it.

They’re all out of my control and it makes me so fucking depressed and helpless feeling sometimes that I just can’t.

Today I feel like I’m teetering on being okay and not okay.

I need to go out and grab a few prescriptions for next week, but I don’t feel like getting up to do it, I hurt so fucking bad.

It just doesn’t feel doable today, errands don’t, which is a whole other layer of frustrating.

It’s like it all compounds on things that I can’t do today.

It makes me feel helpless and alone.

Even though I know I have support I can turn to.

It still feels very isolating some days.

My dizziness is receding, which is something that’s good.

I think the oral Paliperidone is catching up, and settling down in my body finally.

That was a rougher medication change than I thought it was going to be.

But I’m grateful it’s done and working out pretty well so far.

I wish I could say the same about my physical chronic pain levels.

I think some of my physical pain is coming from the rains and changing spring weather patterns.

The level of humidity in the air, along with precipitation and quick changing pressure systems really messes with my knees especially.

When I’m hurting like this, the thought of my pain levels becomes almost obsessive.

Like I’m on high alert from it because I don’t know what else will be painful in a second.

It’s a type of hypervigilance that doesn’t stop.

But I still sleep through my alarm.

This is now the second day in a row where I have messed up by not being able to show up on time.

It’s completely innocent.

I didn’t and don’t mean to do it at all.

But I just don’t hear my alarm, I sleep through it all.

I can’t do mornings, period.

I’ve gotten in trouble countless times from so many jobs for not being able to show up on time in the morning.

And it’s still here and I still fuck up with it.

I don’t like wasting other people’s time, and I do that when I’m late or can’t show up.

I try really, really hard to be on time and where I’m supposed to be, but some days, I just can’t be who I want to be.

The effort is there, but the follow through is seriously lacking at times.

Just remember, we’re all trying our best, and everyone’s best looks different every day.

Luckily I was able to mend my fuck ups this week.

But it’s not always that easy, not everyone is so forgiving.

Normally I would’ve just gotten really mad at myself for fucking up and would’ve beat myself up over it for days on end.

I’m not going to do that today.

I didn’t mean to not show up and that’s okay today.

I’m not worthless because of it, even though my brain tells me I am sometimes.

– Keren