Empty

I’ve been feeling very empty lately.

Like, unable to see or feel much joy.

I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky.

Everything’s been too much.

And that’s frustrating because everything is too much nowadays.

Literally every day I tell myself I’m going to walk more, eat better and smoke less.

Some of those things happen.

Some of the time.

But not enough to take this underlying feeling of dread out of everything.

Like, things are just going to get worse.

They always do.

So why even try to be content when the voices have faded again?

They’re just going to come back in a few days.

What’s the fucking point?

Why the fuck should I even try?

I’m not even suicidal right now either.

I guess it’s more just ideations if anything.

Which is a constant in my life.

I’m just bored and frustrated because everything I do to try to take me out of the boredom, I get overwhelmed and can’t fucking handle it.

I am not going to be posting these entries on facebook for a while again.

If ever.

Maybe just a link to the general blog page and not to specific posts.

I was thinking that I don’t want them to come off as my always drowning issues.

Like, I know I’ve been very dramatic and overwhelming in the past.

I’ve been called “too much” too many times to count.

The last thing I want is some of these people who I was too intense towards, taking my writings as just another giant stream of Keren problems or something..

And maybe that’s incorrect.

Maybe that’s not at all what anyone thought.

But I can’t get it out of my head.

And this was the third week of feeling that way.

And maybe that short but still there episode last week really made an impact right now.

But I can’t bring stress into my life.

Not like I have in the past.

I was thinking about this today.

Thank fuck for being able to think today, by the way!

But, I don’t know if the people who knew me in the past, would even recognize me now.

Sure, I have the same (and more) tattoos.

My hair is pretty much the same.

But personality wise, I feel like I’ve calmed down and am calming down exponentially.

Maybe part of that was turning 40 this year too.

But I’ve felt this way even in the last year I was working full time.

Which was several years back now.

That I just can’t do this that much longer.

Not life, but masking.

Putting on an air that I can do it all and work all the time.

That I have the capacity of a normal, mentally healthy adult.

Because I don’t have that.

I get burnt out in a day of activity now.

An hour or two even sometimes.

And burnt out to the extent of having to spend the next two to three weeks or more by myself after the interaction.

I’m just not who I once was.

I’m not social anymore.

I’ll still get to talking if I know you of course.

But I’m quieter.

My mind is quieter.

My world is quieter.

It’s nice.

It’s scary sometimes, but nice.

But this is what I mean when I say I feel that part of me is gone.

I know I was a shy kid, but I always get comfortable quick.

And that’s just not a feeling I’ve felt in a while now.

I’m not going to pretend I’m not empty feeling.

And I can’t search and wish for facebook likes to fill that void.

It just makes me anxious and more paranoid.

And really sad.

I just barely have a couple friends.

I used to be surrounded by people and now there’s no one.

I’m really sad about that.

I deeply, deeply do not like most of who I was before antipsychotics.

I was irrational.

I was harsh.

I had no filter.

And no concept of enough.

I wish I could send apologies to everyone I hurt and overstepped boundaries with.

But I am having a hard time knowing where to start.

And who all I hurt.

And I realized that I don’t want to hurt anyone by initiating a conversation anymore.

I did that once and I think it came off as pushy, when that was not at all my intention.

But I’m slowly starting to be able to place myself in someone else’s shoes.

Like, really really absorb that concept, identify it, and apply it.

I’ve never been able to before.

Quite literally.

But I guess all of this rambling on, I’m just saying that I don’t want to reflect who I was.

I want to reflect who I am now.

And who I am now wouldn’t really be posting this to social media.

I have to separate it somewhere.

And maybe that’s the answer.

Maybe I just have a social media world and then a blogging world and they mix a bit, but not too much.

And then I can really focus on writing what I need to write.

And not trying to blanket in the appeal of my facebook friends.

Well, I’m trying it out.

I figure taking a break from posting in general for a week or two is a good idea for me.

Gives me some air to breathe.

This is where I’m at.

A little empty, a little productive.

– Keren