I’ve been stressed this week.

Well, actually, I’ve been super anxious.

It’s from what happened with my Honda.

I didn’t really go into it last week because I wanted to cover another topic.

But I’ll go into it this week.

So, a couple Saturdays ago, my 2007 Honda Pilot’s curtain side airbags randomly deployed.

I mean, for absolutely no reason, the entire passenger side was instantly covered in deployed airbags.

And little old Brucie was in the backseat with his head against the passenger side door.

Poor thing.

He nosed my arm the rest of the eight minute drive home.

I wouldn’t let him into the front seat, just in case the front dash passenger decided to deploy.

And I held my head to the headrest that was really far back, just in case the steering wheel airbag decided to deploy too.

When it went off, it was loud.

BOOM!

It sounded like a fucking gunshot.

And maybe that’s part of my problem – the actual explosion itself.

The sound, the violence, and the surprise of it.

I’ve had thoughts of every other traumatizing car incident since this happened.

I mean, I’ve been held up at gunpoint in a car.

I’ve had a back passenger axle and wheel fly off while driving 75mph down the highway.

I’ve had my car “accordianed” crushed because a hit and run driver smashed into the back of me in his GMC truck, going 50 – 55mph, while I was stopped at a stop light, which caused me to smash into the back of the Jeep in front of me.

My mechanic buddy at the time said if he’d hit me any harder, my gas tank would’ve exploded.

He said I was millimeters away from being up in flames.

And I’ve had other traumatizing things happen around cars.

The day after the very first car accident I’ve ever been in, while driving, I was stabbed by this random lady outside of my job.

First off, the car did a 360, and it shredded all the treading off my tires.

Secondly, the next day I was fucking stabbed.

I mean, stabbed.

The bitch nicked my fucking liver.

Last thing I knew she was still in prison for it.

So, anyways, I’ve got a lot of memories that are just popping up around this.

And I just fucking wish they wouldn’t, ya know?

I know it’s all going to pass.

Eventually.

And like I said in my last post, I’m handling this way better than I would’ve in the past.

But it is stressful.

I am anxious.

Even Bruce was feeling it there for a few weeks.

Just today (it’s Tuesday) he seems to be coming around a corner with it.

He was very despondent there for a little while.

He didn’t want to go outside.

He didn’t want to go for walks.

He didn’t want to eat.

And I felt for him and with him.

It was scary when the airbags deployed.

Thank fuck I was just taking off from a stoplight and was only going like 5mph.

If I would’ve been going any faster, that shit could’ve been extremely dangerous.

I could’ve jerked the wheel or something – it could’ve gotten bad.

Real bad.

And it’s not like I’m antsy for a new-to-me car.

It’s not like I feel like I needed one yesterday, like I would’ve felt in the past.

But, on that same side, I feel more… trapped, right now.

Like, an anxious trapped.

Like, an antsy trapped.

And I don’t really know why.

My neighbor has been so kind through all of this, and she said that she’ll drive me around for however long it takes.

Which is so loving, and gives me a really great sense of community.

She’s not the only one who’s piped up either.

It’s been really a loving experience, honestly.

But, I still feel this anxious, it’s an almost cornered feeling.

And I don’t know if I’d still feel that way with a properly working car.

I just don’t know.

Anyway, I’m glad I have therapy in the morning to unpack some of these feelings.

I was hoping to start to work on my ex husband and my marriage with EMDR this week, and maybe we’ll still have time to.

But all of this is more pressing right now.

I need to talk through this anxiety, because it’s almost unmanageable.

I’ve been taking my anxiety medication (it’s “as needed”) quite a bit the last few weeks.

My “high heart rate” alert on my smartwatch keeps going off.

I mean, hour after hour, day after day, since the airbags deployed.

Which makes me think my subconscious is busy with traumatic, unhelpful memories.

I mean, I do keep thinking about things that happened in cars with me.

I do keep thinking about all of my prior accidents and whatnot.

One of my buddies said that she thinks that this is keeping me from getting into a bigger accident.

That this is the universe’s way of telling me to slow down and not drive right now.

And I gotta say, I do like that way of thinking.

It’s a better way to view it than feeling cut off, or shut in.

It’s a much more positive spin.

So, I’m trying to have that kind of an open viewpoint with it.

I’m going out to my parent’s house for the weekend.

I leave Thursday evening and come back Monday afternoon.

They live in a quiet, big neighborhood, but it’s super spread out, and they’re at the end of a cul de sac at the very back of it.

Their yard backs up to a cow pasture – it’s really cool, especially when the cows are out grazing.

Bruce loves to watch them too.

My Dad told me the other day that the hummingbirds are back for the season too, and those little guys are feisty over their feeder.

They’re fun to watch.

So it’ll be good to get out of the city for a weekend now, and in the middle of April, I’ll be out there for a couple of weeks with Bruce, to watch the house.

My Mom and I were talking about it today when she took me out for breakfast.

I was telling her about my anxiety.

She said as a kid, I used to love being outside.

And I still do.

I just don’t get a chance to do that as often as I used to.

And in town here, there’s not many parks around to really go to and spend a lot of time at.

I walk in the complex every day, a couple of times a day.

But that’s not even close to getting out in nature.

Neither are the parks here.

And I don’t get a chance to get out where there’s no streetlights anywhere very often anymore either.

So, even through my anxious trapped feelings, my Mom was telling me that it’s going to be good for me to be out there.

And by the middle of her talking about it, I was agreeing.

She is right.

It will be good for me to be by myself and just kinda… reflect for a little while.

I honestly AM by myself a lot, but not in nature and by myself.

I mean, people are around their house, they have neighbors, and you can hear kids playing and whatnot.

It’s not like I’ll be in the middle of nowhere by myself for a couple of weeks.

There are folks around me.

But they have a huge yard – big enough that there’s a looping walking trail that they made.

And they have a bench out by the cow pasture fence that’s nice, and front and back porches too.

So it’ll be a good spot for me and Bruce to just hang out at, and reflect.

Hopefully this fucking stupid anxiety will have subsided by then, but if not, hopefully the time alone with Brucie will help it subside.

I’m just frustrated too.

Frustrated with my past self and finances.

I’m getting back on track, but slowly.

I don’t make much money.

I can’t do much still.

But, not having to pay so much for car insurance for the next few months will help a bit.

Yet, I also have to buy medicine for Brucie in the same time period.

So, the money saved is just being spent in other areas.

But, I’ll be able to get a grip on my finances here within the next couple of months.

I know I can, because I have to.

And I’m a determined person.

When I have to do something, it gets done.

It’s gonna hurt for the next few months.

I basically have no extra money, so I really, really hope nothing else goes wrong right now.

I don’t know why I just wrote that, but I’m going with it.

Nothing else will go wrong this year!

That’s what I’m putting out there, into the universe!

I just have a lot of regrets when it comes to my finances and my past.

I know a lot of it, like I talked about in my last post.

Throughout my life, I was not of a mentally sound mind.

And mentally ill Keren did things that mentally sound, lucid Keren wouldn’t do.

Now, I have to deal with those decisions and make a plan on how to rectify them.

And that’s just what I’m going to have to do.

And that’s what I’m doing.

Like I said in my last post, my Dad helped me create a budget in Excel the other week and I’ve been plugging in numbers, and I can do this.

I just have to be diligent.

I have to trust myself too.

And I’ve never really been able to do that.

So that’s another obstacle to overcome.

There’s been a lot of new things like that lately…

New feelings mixed with old feelings.

I was telling my Mom today that I’m even anxious because I feel like I should want a new-to-me car, like, yesterday, but I don’t.

So not feeling like that, is making me anxious too.

Feeling a different feeling than I normally feel, is making me anxious.

This new way of dealing with things – is making me feel anxious.

Not having my normal, dysfunctional, irrational, illogical ways of thinking, is making me anxious.

Does that make sense to anyone?!?

It’s like, because I’m feeling different about how I’m feeling, and because I’m thinking differently than I normally do, that alone is making me anxious. 

On top of the car stuff, which is also making me anxious.

It’s weird.

It’s all twisted in on itself.

I hope that makes sense.

It’s bizarre.

I hope these feelings start to pass soon.

I hope after therapy tomorrow, I can sit down and finish this post, and feel a bit better.

It’s now “tomorrow”, Wednesday, and I do feel a bit better after therapy.

Hannah told me that everything I’m feeling right now is normal.

Whatever “normal” is, I’m feeling it.

That anyone’s anxiety would be higher after something like the airbags randomly deploying.

And it makes since that mine is so high due to all of my traumas around cars.

She told me that it’s a good thing that at least I’m not spiraling.

And it makes sense that I’m anxious.

New ways of thinking would make anyone anxious.

It’s uncomfortable.

But she also said she’s impressed by my thinking processes and my ability to have a plan.

She said it’s amazing how I have been looking at all possible outcomes.

How I have a mechanic on stand by for when I do start to look for a new-to-me car.

And she said normally, in the past, it would be me rushing the folks around me to get a new-to-me car.

But now it’s the opposite.

And that’s a good thing, not bad.

And that I needed to remember that.

I told her that my Dad the other day, was asking me what kind of car I was thinking of getting, and I couldn’t even answer him.

I said, I needed time.

That I can’t talk about this right now.

I haven’t even touched the Pilot since all of this happened.

Well, that’s a lie, I’ve gotten a few things out of it.

But I haven’t cleaned it out yet in order to put it up on fb marketplace.

I will, next week.

But not right now.

I needed time to decompress from the situation first.

But Hannah told me that everything I’m feeling is just fine to be feeling and just remember how far I’ve come.

And I agreed, and I settled down a bit.

It’s just nice to hear that from someone who knows me so well.

And knows about all of my toxic behaviors in the past.

I talked with her about the money aspect too.

And how mentally ill Keren does things so much differently than the Keren sitting here now would do.

And she said how “real” that statement is.

That, even though I’m paying for my past mistakes, I’m seeing a path around and out.

That my personality is giving me the ability to see every outcome and plan for them.

She was impressed that I found a mechanic when I did, a few months ago, even when I didn’t have any car issues at the time.

We talked about how I’m an Enneagram type 6, and how I have to plan in order to feel sane.

How safety and security are some of my biggest values, and I have to weigh out all of my options before making a decision.

This even rang true when I was mentally ill.

I’ve always had to know exactly what it meant if I took this road, or that road.

And what the differences in outcome would be. 

It’s like it’s something I have to do – see all ways to the outcome I need.

I’m glad I do that.

It helps me ground myself.

Otherwise I feel even more trapped and helpless.

Anyway, seeing all possibilities is crucial for me, 

It’s now Saturday, and I’m at my parents house and I have been feeling less anxious.

Though I did get car sick yesterday while coming home from the grocery store with my Mom.

So maybe it is good that I don’t have a car right now.

That’s how I’m choosing to see it at least.

– Keren