I was down last week.

That’s why I didn’t really write an entry.

That and I was busy.

There’s someone in my life who keeps bringing up my weight.

And I don’t think they mean to hurt me, but they’re hurting me by doing it.

I’ve never said anything to them about it.

I let it slide.

I don’t know why.

If it were anyone else I would’ve laid into them by now.

It just makes me feel like shit.

I was hot the other day last week and he made a comment that if I were slimmer I wouldn’t be so hot.

That if I were skinnier I’d feel better, and look better, like him.

Even though I know slimmer people sweat and get hot, so I don’t know what the fuck his point is.

And he’s not that slim himself.

And like skinny people don’t get warm or sweat or something which isn’t true.

So yeah.

That took any self esteem I had and crushed it into dust and blew it away.

This was a day last week where I felt singled out and alienated already in my life skills class at my therapists office.

I just wanted to sit there and listen and people kept asking me to participate when I had nothing to put into the conversation.

My mind has been other places because Bruce has been super anxious the past few weeks and has been pacing when I bring him with me to groups..

And when I kept getting “called on” in group, it was stressing me out.

No one else ever gets called on like that.

No one else is forced to participate.

So I walked out half way through with Bruce.

Fuck that.

I’m sick of being singled out. 

And then it happened again with this guy and my fucking weight an hour later.

I’m just tired of the comments.

I’m tired of being belittled because I’m still 50lbs overweight.

This was also the day after I did a pretty intense EMDR session with my therapist.

This was also a few days after I had been having some very vivid hallucinations.

So it wasn’t the best week to be criticized like that.

Not that there ever is a good week to be criticized.

Last week was pretty intense.

The EMDR session went into my “I’m alone” feelings.

I’ve talked about this before, but it’s a reoccurring theme with my triggers that pop up.

I consistently feel like I’m alone.

Even if I’m surrounded by people – which I rarely am anymore.

So we dove into a specific situation in the 5th grade where this boy had gotten paid to hold my hand and tell me he liked me.

I didn’t know that of course at the time.

I thought he liked me.

But he didn’t really.

He did it for the money.

And I’m still convinced that’s why my romantic relationships fail to this day.

So we worked through that situation.

It went alright.

I still feel a touch agitated and tight chested when I think about it.

Which means that I need a few more passes with her hand motions when we revisit it next week.

Which is fine.

It is what it is.

It was a shitty situation to be in for me.

Honestly all I’ve felt like doing since my session is sleep.

We did a lot of passes back and forth with my therapists hands.

The more motions you do, the more intense the session is.

It’s almost like the deeper you go in a way.

I was tired at the end of my session too.

Which is a cut off point in its own way.

At least that’s what my last EMDR therapist used to say.

He told me if the client gets tired, that’s the cut off point, we’ve gone as far as we can go for the day.

So there’s that too.

And then the hallucinations last week and this week.

Fuckin a.

So annoying and frustrating and scary.

I bought into them the first night.

I bought into the delusion and thought they were real.

Almost every apartment here has a balcony or some sort of outside area.

There’s a guy who lives in the building diagonally behind me.

He’s next to a friend of mine but she was still on vacation all last week.

So she wasn’t home at all last week.

I go out to let Bruce out around 7:30pm or so.

Bruce just stands there.

We’re really just taking a moment to enjoy the night.

I don’t think he needs the bathroom, he was just pacing inside and we normally come out around this time anyway, so we did.

This guy starts talking extremely loudly.

It actually sounds like it’s coming from directly behind me, off to the left.

I had never noticed him out before this.

It sounds like he’s on the phone, talking to someone out of range.

“She always comes out here and listens to me”

“She’s got a dog”

“Yeah”

“She comes out at the same time every night tho”

“She’s out now”

“She’s not even paying the dog any attention”

He goes on and on the whole time we’re outside with more of the same.

Shit like I’m not a good person.

I’m nosey.

Etc…

Everything every other hallucination has ever said.

I’m terrible and not worthy of anything good.

More of the same bullshit that the voices spew out at me.

In regards to other types of hallucinations, I have also heard the television several nights this week when the television wasn’t on.

I hear the cadences of conversations and the super faint background music of a television show or movie.

It sounded like something was playing, but nothing was on in the apartment.

I actually have been hearing this all week.

So I turned on my white noise machine or television or music to drown it out.

This is why I always have to have some sort of controlled noise happening.

To try to overpower the uncontrollable noises.

I came out to my parents house for the weekend this week.

My Mom is having a meditation/sound bath for the winter solstice on Sunday.

And I was going to stay Saturday night to be out here for that, but my aunt and uncle were in town too, so I came out early so I could see them as well.

It feels good to feel some love this week.

I’ve been trying to keep busy.

Been trying to keep my mind occupied on something other that hallucinations and delusions because the faint cadence of conversation hallucinations have been happening here too. 

My nutritionist is trying to help me curb my symptoms with supplements.

My prolactin levels are still through the roof, even while on my half tab of haloperidol in the morning and evening.

And high prolactin levels can lead to bone density issues if it’s not controlled in the long run.

So I know my general practitioner is going to tell me to come off of it all together – which is scary.

But my nutritionist said there’s a therapeutic level of niacin and  vitamin C I can take that will hopefully help curb my psychotic symptoms.

That I just need to work up to it.

Because right now I still get fairly flushed with the niacin, though it is fading.

It’s starting to not get as intense.

Slowly. 

Good thing is my TSH levels have evened out for the most part with my new, increased dose of Synthroid.

So that’s a bonus.

I have a primary care appointment at the beginning of next week, so we’ll see what my general practitioner says about everything too.

See what the direction is with everything. 

After spending some time at my parents, even through the hallucinations, I’m hopeful.

I’m hopeful that the niacin and vitamin C will help my symptoms.

It’s stressful having to come off my haloperidol.

It’s been my backup for several years now.

I guess it’ll remain my backup for extreme cases, but I can’t use it regularly anymore, well, I doubt I can really, due to my prolactin levels.

It’s a scary thing I need to work through.

But hopefully the supplements will provide enough relief.

-Keren