It’s Monday and the voices are still lingering.

I may have to up my Paliperidone again.

As of this week, I haven’t yet.

I really don’t fucking want to.

They’re telling me I’m living a lie, the voices are.

That I’m a terrible, horrible fucking person who ignores my dog and can’t follow through on shit.

And I’m starting to learn that none of that is true.

Which is actually huge because that means I think I’m not a terrible, horrible person.

Which I did for so very many years.

They stopped responding to my words to them.

Telling them to fuck off and whatnot, they’re not havin it as the days pass.

Sometimes they respond, but not every time.

It’s unreliable for sure.

I’ll keep doing it, but that’s annoying as fuck.

I thought I really had something there for a couple of days.

But they morph.

I’ve said that before.

They take whatever I’m scared of or have a fear of or am anxious about and just fucking run with it.

They torture me.

I remember hearing voices even while in my early 20’s and changing my sitting or hand positions or something – changing my posture, or saying a certain code word/phrase that the voices told me to say in order for _____ to happen.

Like I had this ability to play out my future. 

I could never explain why I had to do these things, and they were so subtle no one ever noticed.

But I had to do them.

I had to pick up my right hand and put it, palm up, on my right thigh in order for that guy to come over and talk to me (or whatever the situation was)

Not like the voices were telling me to do anything drastic, just normal mannerisms.

But if I did ”it”, then “so and so” would happen – my daydream would come to fruition or whatever.

Or parts of it at least.

But that’s all really delusional thinking.

Me knowing the future, me being able to read minds and have certain things happen when I move my finger three inches to the right or whathaveyou.

In reality, I had been giving that guy the eye all evening and I smiled at him as I did the change in position with my hand.

But it was my hand moving that really did it.

I was being told my future by these “spirits” or unseen forces in my head.

And it’s so hard to explain this, but I knew they were in my head until around 2019, 2020.

And then in 2021 I was suddenly convinced that they were people, neighbors, stalking me 24/7.

But all of that, and probably half of the things I’ve heard over all of the years of my life, have been hallucinations.

And I can’t tell you what happened the moment they went from being a gift I knew only I could hear, to being a vengeful and very real person who is coming after me to kill me.

But I do know it was gradual as fuck.

Because I also thought that I was hearing what other people were thinking.

So, using the same situation, what would’ve happened is that I heard that guy think “I’ll talk to her, but she need to move her right hand palm up, onto her right thigh right…..now”

(I did the action, he gets up and comes over to talk to me, I think it’s because I just heard his thoughts and knew what to do in order to get him to come talk to me, the prophecy is self fulfilled and similar situations continued for decades).

It’s now Wednesday, I had a root canal today and I’m sore.

All of the numbing agent has worn off now.

The voices still aren’t really responding to me.

They seem mad.

As the week goes on, they’re ignoring me more and more and getting louder.

Fuck.

I figured this would happen but I was hoping I’d have more time to find a better way of interrupting them before I was back here.

Thing is, that I have certain voices that do interact with me and some that don’t.

Which is fucking frustrating.

They were following me again tonight.

I passed by one of the buildings in my complex one that’s just behind mine, and all of a sudden there were two guys talking about me, following me.

The difference is that I knew these were hallucinations right away because they started almost the exact same way they did the other night.

Not that I was expecting it, more like it felt too familiar, and right away too.

I know the voices talk about me and what I’m doing, thinking, feeling, hearing, touching, seeing, saying.

There were two of them going back and forth with eachother.

“There she is”

“She’s walking past”

“She’s right there, look”

“Look at her, she’s walking”

“Yup, she’s passing by”

“She’s passing by”

“She’s walking by”

“There she is, walking by”

“Passing by”

**Someone/thing pops into my mind**

“I can’t believe she did that”

“Did you hear that? She did that”

“She’s a fucking bitch, that bitch is done”

“I can’t stand it”

“Man, fuck that bitch”

“Fuck that fucking bitch. Stupid bitch”

“There she is”

**I look back at Bruce**

“Did she look?”

“Oh she looked”

“No, she didn’t look”

“She looked, she saw”

“Yes she did, she did look over”

**I look at Bruce again**

“She did not look over. She’s looking at her dog”

“She’s looking there”

“No she’s not she’s looking ahead”

“She’s looking over here”

“She sees. Do you think she sees?”

“Can she see?”

“Can she see me? Do you think she can see me?”

“I’ll walk over here”

“I’ll go over here, she can’t see me”

“Can she see me? She can see me”

“She can hear me.”

“Can she hear me?”

“She can’t hear me”

“She can see, see? She can see”

“She can see me”

“Can she? Does she see me?”

“She can see me”

“There she is, she’s walking”

“Is she walking her dog? She’s walking her dog”

“She’s walking her dog”

**we stop so Bruce can sneak something**

“Did he poop? Did she just pick it up?”

“She didn’t pick that up, I see it’s right there”

“He didn’t poop”

“Yes he fucking did, it’s right there and she’s walking past”

“She’s leaving it there”

“Fucking disgusting”

“Fucking disgusting, she picked it up and now she’s touching the leash”

“The bitch needs to wash her hands”

“Fucking gross”

“Fucking gross”

“Wash your hands”

“Disgusting”

“She’s walking her dog”

“She’s going that way”

“There she goes”

“She’s walking”

“She’s walking her dog”

**Someone/thing pops into my mind**

“Did you hear that? Fuck that bitch”

“How the fuck could you even say that? What the fuck is wrong with her?”

“Yeah, fuck this shit, she’s a fucking bitch”

“Fuck her. Fuck her. Fuck this shit”

“Stupid bitch”

“Can she see me?”

“She can see”

“I know she can”

**I look around**

“Did she see us?”

“Oh she can’t see me. She can’t see us”

“No, she can see me, I know she can”

“She’s looking at her dog”

“Why does she ignore her dog”

“She’s walking her dog”

“She’s walking by”

“She’s walking by”

“There she goes, she’s looking over here”

“Did she see?

“No she didn’t see”

“She didn’t see”

**I look behind me**

She can’t see me”

“She can’t see me, she could, but now she can’t”

“She can’t see”

“Do you think she forgot?”

“I do, I think she fucking forgot”

“What a fucking stupid bitch”

“Man fuck that bitch”

“She can’t see me”

“Did she walk by?”

“Yeah she’s walking by”

“Does she see you?”

“She doesn’t see us, she can’t see us”

“I think she can hear us”

**I clear my throat**

“I heard that, she can hear me”

“She can hear me”

“She can hear us. She can hear us”

“She can hear us”

“She can hear me”

“She can hear us”

“She can hear us”

“I heard that, she coughed”

“She didn’t cough, she cleared her throat”

“She cleared her throat”

“She cleared her throat. I heard that, she can hear us”

“Can she hear us?”

“She can hear us”

Over and over and over, slightly different words, slightly different phrasing and conversation, but the same fucking idea practically every time.

And the voices just loop over themselves.

They try to talk over the others, there’s all different timbres and tones and volumes happening just like a conversation between two people old sound.

It sounds as if (this time) two guys were walking behind me, knowing that they’re talking loudly enough for me to hear them. 

Some sound like whispers but the bulk of mine (85%-90%) sound like a conversation at the museum in fifth grade where you stood in a corner and you can hear someone else whispering, clear as day, all the way across the room in the other corner, but they’re nowhere near ya at the same time.

It’s chaotic, crystal clear, frightening, confusing, and fucking relentless.

I’m waiting for this episode to really end still.

– Keren