Psychosis is not well understood.

It a giant ball of mystery.

They don’t really know why it surfaces or how except for something about dopamine.

Which makes sense to me because when a psych doc put me on Wellbutrin years back, I instantly went into a psychotic episode.

(it’s a dopamine receptor or inhibitor thing – how it works) 

And no one has good examples of psychosis.

There are only the extremes and what’s portrayed in movies and television.

(which is far from the truth)

There’s not a specific way of acting while in psychosis, other than irrational and out of control.

Which is how I’ve been my entire adult life.

Overreacting is one sign.

So is confusion and agitation, not making a lot of sense.

Rapid speech and losing the train of thought often.

Anger outbursts.

Sounds exactly like me.

Throw in hallucinations and delusions and you’ve got a psychotic episode.

I don’t know why I hadn’t really believed it almost?

Like I was still clinging onto the bipolar diagnosis I’ve had most of my life.

But the mood stabilizers didn’t do shit for me.

Never did.

I have been on dozens of different mood stabilizers in the past, trying to control my moods.

But, I was never put on an antipsychotic.

January of 2022 was the first time I was put on an antipsychotic.

And it didn’t really kick in for me till around three different medications were tried.

It was a lengthy and horrible process to find an antipsychotic the really works.

And I’m grateful we kept trying because by August of 2022 I was on the Invega Sustenna injections and clearer than I’ve ever been in my life.

And it’s almost like my anosognosia is still kicking around in some areas of my life.

I believed all of it, but I didn’t get it. 

And not that I didn’t get it, I get psychotic episodes, I know that I do, that’s quite obvious to me now.

But I have been lumping some of my symptoms of being psychotic, in with symptoms of being manic and having an elevated mood situation too.

Where that may not always be the case.

Like I just thought I was manic, nothing else.

Now I’m realizing I go into psychotic episodes (which is not psychopathy, they are two totally different mental illnesses).

Because I’m hearing voices and hallucinations at the same time.

And I’m in more of a happy mood than anything.

And I’m having my neighbor stalking delusions and surveillance paranoia.

So I do need to be more aware of the differences of being manic and being in a psychotic episode or having breakthrough psychotic symptoms while being mostly euthymic.

But not really knowing what euthymic feels like quite yet.

If this is an everyday “typical” feeling, that excites me!

They are very different things happening and with my breakthrough hallucinations and delusions being bad the last couple of weeks.

And I can’t help but really dig into this and try to really see the difference.

Alll of this is clicking in me and it’s eye opening.

Borderline shocking.

I don’t know why this shit didn’t make sense before.

It’s like I couldn’t apply all of it somehow.

Not all the pieces were there until now.

I couldn’t wrap my head around it.

(the next day) This is what I talk about when I say that things are finally clicking.

I get it, but I really don’t at the same time until bam.

It clicks.

And then when the confusion lifts like this, I’m met with a new outlook on life again.

It’s the daily Invega.

And the work I’m putting in.

And I know my symptoms aren’t nearly as severe as they have been in the past and that’s thanks to antipsychotics and other medications.

This episode would’ve looked a lot more out of control if I hadn’t been back on my meds right away.

If I wasn’t working my program and having the willingness and ability to look outside of my mental illness.

But I’m sure it all stems from me not taking my antipsychotic for a few days the other week.

(a few hours later) Because as I write this entry, as the days pass, I’m feeling calmer and more in control.

I’m feeling clearer.

The agitation and annoyance and hyper feeling I’ve been having the past few weeks is fading into something that I dare call a middle feeling mood?

Not bad, not good.

It just is.

And I feel good.

The darkness is at bay.

I’m still having breakthrough hallucinations and slight delusions, but I don’t ever think they’ll ever go away.

They haven’t yet.

And I just have to cope with them, which is what I’ve been trying to do.

Everything kinda clicked over the weekend.

I love it when things start clicking.

Suddenly, the word isn’t so random.

Suddenly, people are easier to understand and communicate with.

Suddenly, I understand.

– Keren