A Delusional Predisposition

voices

  • Behavior

    I’m embarrassed about my behavior in the past. I know it’s not good to stare into the past, but I gotta learn my patterns somehow – and reflection is good for that. I was just thinking about all of the… Continue reading

    Behavior

  • More Auditory Hallucinations

    There have still been some breakthrough symptoms being on the Haldol now. But there nowhere near where they were. And they’re showing up a little differently than they have been. The past couple of nights – after it gets dark… Continue reading

    More Auditory Hallucinations

  • Stability Loading…

    I’m blown away by how stable I feel. Tired. But stable. Surprisingly stable. I was supposed to get my Invega injection on Friday last week, but the nurse left me a voicemail saying they had to reschedule me for after… Continue reading

    Stability Loading…

  • Haldol

    I can’t express the exhaustion I’ve been dealing with the medication changes from this week and last. It’s been much more debilitating than any other medication change before. I’ve been down for the count since starting the Haldol. And I… Continue reading

    Haldol

  • Side Note 3

    I’ve got two things. The first thing is a couple of additions to Nomadic Protection that didn’t come to mind till after it was published. I have moved over twenty two times since 2004. And I have moved cities every… Continue reading

    Side Note 3

  • Medications: Part Seven

    I had to wait the weekend to hear back from my psych NP about a medication change. I had an appointment last Tuesday, but the provider canceled it last minute and I was rescheduled for over a month out. It’s… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Seven

  • It’s Tiring: Part Two

    I was supposed to have an appointment with my prescriber (my psych NP) for my mental illness medications yesterday, but he called out and I got rescheduled. I did get my Invega injection at least. It was three days early… Continue reading

    It’s Tiring: Part Two

  • Surveillance and Thought Broadcasting Delusions

    I’m so tired of having constant symptoms. It’s been about a month now since I had the hallucinations of my third floor neighbors and I’m struggling. And I keep having fucking symptoms. Paranoia especially. I don’t know what to write… Continue reading

    Surveillance and Thought Broadcasting Delusions

  • The People my Delusions Pick

    I’m friends with my upstairs neighbor. But the ones on the third floor are ingrained in my hallucinations and delusions. I have no idea why there is such a drastic difference in my perception of the two different apartments and… Continue reading

    The People my Delusions Pick

  • Blurry Noises

    I’ve been hearing crowd murmurs for the last few days again. They first surfaced when I was 19 years old. I remember the night that I first heard them. I thought It was paranormal, of course. This hallucination sounds like… Continue reading

    Blurry Noises

  • Debbie Downer

    I didn’t go to the gym again yesterday. I didn’t want to. Didn’t feel like it. It’s been a rough week. I did go to my schizophrenia support group online Thursday night though. So that helped a little bit. I… Continue reading

    Debbie Downer

  • It’s Tiring

    So I apologized to my neighbor today about my explosion yesterday and she acted like she had no idea what I was talking about. Maybe I made it all up. Or she was drunk like she gets. But she literally… Continue reading

    It’s Tiring

  • I Confronted the Neighbors

    I went out and asked them if they had just been talking about me. Talking shit, technically. I just blurted it out when I looked up at the third floor balcony. They were both out there. “Were you guys just… Continue reading

    I Confronted the Neighbors

  • This Too Shall Pass

    I noticed a lack of something latey. Music in my head. I used to have music playing constantly in my mind. Tones that I had heard before. Songs that I know. Layered over and through oneanother. Just, really, quite constant… Continue reading

    This Too Shall Pass

  • Defining my Progress

    I’ve been really tired this week. Worn out. Part of it is because I was in an episode last week and weekend. It’s so exhausting to have psychotic symptoms. I’m constantly trying to figure out what’s real and what’s not.… Continue reading

    Defining my Progress

  • Delusions

    It’s all the same. The general idea for my delusions are all pretty much the same base. Someone is after me. Out to get me. Spying on me. Stalking me. Watching me. I call all of these things hallucinations all… Continue reading

    Delusions

  • Side Note 2

    These symptoms – hallucinations, delusions, paranoia.. they make me feel out of control. Like I don’t have a grip on my life. Like I’m lesser than a typical person because I can’t follow through with plans half of the time… Continue reading

    Side Note 2

  • Stress Turns Into Symptoms

    I know now that stress plays a huge part in my psychotic symptoms. I never realized how big of a role it carries. My symptoms are dying down again after a few days of being pretty heavy and thick. The… Continue reading

    Stress Turns Into Symptoms

  • Paranoid

    My auditory hallucinations – voices, have been strong this week. Last night especially. They’ve been so strong that I have been extremely paranoid all week and it’s getting worse with the hours passing. At least I still went through with… Continue reading

    Paranoid

  • Mind and Body

    I struggle with my mind and body giving out on me. The giving out of either part usually happens at different intervals. Different times. Several days of my mind not functioning properly. Then several days of my body not functioning… Continue reading

    Mind and Body

  • Random Surfacing

    The voices never really go away. I’ve been having a good week, but they’re still there. As frustrating as that is. They get worse at night. Once it hits the time where the sun starts to go down, it’s like… Continue reading

    Random Surfacing

  • Visual Hallucinations

    I’m having a hard time letting myself just be today. I’m tired. Which probably doesn’t help. I feel like I should be doing more of something. But I don’t know what. And I don’t have the energy right now, anyway.… Continue reading

    Visual Hallucinations

  • Reframing

    I’ve been feeling good the past week. So good I’m on edge waiting for my symptoms to take hold again. It makes me antsy when I have several decent days in a row like I have been this week. Wait,… Continue reading

    Reframing

  • Self Care

    I’m still struggling with the emptiness. It’s so abundant. My symptoms of hallucinations and delusions have been very quiet the past several days. It’s odd because it’s not that I miss them when they’re gone. It’s just that, from everywhere,… Continue reading

    Self Care

  • Empty

    I’ve been feeling very empty lately. Like, unable to see or feel much joy. I’ve been watching shows like Reno911! and News Radio to keep it light and non thinky. Everything’s been too much. And that’s frustrating because everything is… Continue reading

    Empty

  • I Have to Balance

    I was wondering about my symptoms that broke through last week. Once they started to quiet a little, I could think again. I’ve been thinking about it a lot since it happened actually. And I’m pretty sure that the recent… Continue reading

    I Have to Balance

  • The Wash and Fade

    I’ve been feeling very, very blah this week. My Invega injection makes me so tired now that I don’t know what to do. I was resting most of this week because i couldn’t do anything else. And that feeling gets… Continue reading

    The Wash and Fade

  • Bouncing Between Delusions (and Hallucinations)

    I got my Invega injection today. And I honestly couldn’t wait for it. I’ve been having some breakthrough symptoms this last weekend. And last week. It felt like all the peace I had with the six or so day run… Continue reading

    Bouncing Between Delusions (and Hallucinations)

  • Chatty

    I used to be so chatty. I worked retail most all my life, so being paid to be a social butterfly was a good fit for me. But that’s all changed now. And since, I’ve noticed a change in myself… Continue reading

    Chatty

  • Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations

    I know it may be a bit hard to imagine what auditory hallucinations sound like. Believe me, I wish that no one would ever experience them. Ever. I wish it wasn’t even an option. But unfortunately it is. And I’d… Continue reading

    Thoughts vs Auditory Hallucinations

  • Navigating My Mental Healthcare: Part Two

    I can’t even tell you how many therapists and psychiatrists I’ve seen over the years. Dozens. Easily. I currently deal with a doctor that doesn’t really believe me. He gives me the right medications. But when we talk he is… Continue reading

    Navigating My Mental Healthcare: Part Two

  • “Anosognosia” and Delusions

    I’m forty years old. And I didn’t understand that the voices I hear are actually hallucinations, until I was thirty eight. I thought they were my thoughts. My internal system. The paranormal. The voices are a nonstop discourse of layered… Continue reading

    “Anosognosia” and Delusions

  • Invalidation: A Rant

    When someone is dismissive of my mental illness issues and symptoms, it’s invalidating. It makes me feel as if I’m the one in the wrong. I’m making all this up. That it is just an invisible hurdle. That only I… Continue reading

    Invalidation: A Rant

  • Eye Shimmy (Voluntary Nystagmus) and Other Signs

    I know my world is much different from what typical people have. Especially when a psychotic episode is around the corner. I’m finally noticing little signs. Signs that I need to keep an eye on. My hallucinations flare up. Every… Continue reading

    Eye Shimmy (Voluntary Nystagmus) and Other Signs

  • Internally

    I got in some good decompression last week. I can’t help but notice. That I’ve had a few days without symptoms now. It’s refreshing to not hear the voices constantly. Even though I don’t expect it to last long. Ever.… Continue reading

    Internally

  • A Situation

    This week was awesome. I had a dear friend visit for most of it. I got to see the beauty. And the power of the ocean. And friendship. It was a great week. I did have symptoms during it. At… Continue reading

    A Situation

  • The Luxury

    I noticed that I’m starting to be aware of the weather again. It’s been sunny. Then rainy. Then sunny. Then rainy. All week. I’ve been noticing the shifts in temperature. And the bright shades of green pouring out of the… Continue reading

    The Luxury

  • Inflammation

    It’s always there. Inflammation is. I feel puffy. Everywhere. And do almost all the time. It’s gotten better since I cut out dairy products. But good lort. It can calm down anytime now. But I know it won’t without medication.… Continue reading

    Inflammation

  • The Birds

    Things have been really quiet this weekend again. Which is surprising. I get my injection on Tuesday. And I’m kinda thrilled for it. Normally by now the radio noise would’ve merged into voices. And they would’ve been incessant. But today… Continue reading

    The Birds

  • Medication Adjustments

    This is my 70th entry. This one right here. I never thought I’d continue to follow through with this blog. It’s rewarding. Therapeutic. Satisfying. And I’m getting quite proud of my continued growth. I was looking at some of my… Continue reading

    Medication Adjustments

  • A Sense of Myself

    I have had a significant decrease in symptoms this week. Like, night and day difference. That Risperidone that was added a few weeks ago. Is amazing. In combination with the Invega. Flooring. I’m shook by how much better I feel.… Continue reading

    A Sense of Myself

  • Medications: Part Five and a Half

    This isn’t a full entry. More like a quick update. I got a call from my pharmacy today. Just as I got home from therapy. Regarding another prescription. One for all of the breakthrough symptoms I have. Especially toward the… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Five and a Half

  • Medications: Part Five

    After my Invega injections I feel much, much, much more like myself. Whoever that is anymore. I got one this last Friday. And I feel a night and day difference. My anger dissipates. I’m calmer. I’m reserved. Reflective. Pensive. Even… Continue reading

    Medications: Part Five

  • Explaining

    I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through. Verbally, that is. I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication. I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it. It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my… Continue reading

    Explaining

  • Randomly Consistent

    I have a hard time remembering what I was just going to say. It’s like my brain just stops. Or backtracks. And I go completely blank. A lot of times it never comes back to me. But sometimes I can… Continue reading

    Randomly Consistent

  • Fading Into

    The slight amount of happiness I was feeling. From having a glimpse of contentedness. Has faded into a state of semi-darkness. It’s not full blown. And I have had to remind myself I’m in the middle of another fucking med… Continue reading

    Fading Into

  • Being Social

    I haven’t posted back to back entries in a while. I wanted to tell y’all what I did. After sifting through myself. My attempt at adding logic to it. And debating what was the issue at hand. I got back… Continue reading

    Being Social

  • Appointment Reminders

    My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders. And since they got this service. I have been getting SO many reminder texts. I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something. Because… Continue reading

    Appointment Reminders

  • Climbing Out of an Episode

    Everything was really rough for around ten to twelve days. I finally started snapping out of it on Thursday. My therapist is convinced that my neighbor accusing me triggered me into an episode. I agree with her. Honestly, things had… Continue reading

    Climbing Out of an Episode

  • Radical Acceptance

    I had a ton of breakthrough symptoms this last week. I was severely triggered by a neighbor. I don’t want to go into detail. So to sum it up, she accused me of something I didn’t do. And believe you… Continue reading

    Radical Acceptance

  • Some Things Are Clicking

    I was watching Modern Family today and heard a line that really struck me. A coworker of one of the main characters said “I eat garbage because I am garbage”. And that is exactly why I struggle with my weight.… Continue reading

    Some Things Are Clicking

  • Audio Hallucinations

    I have been thinking about documenting the voices like this for a while now. I did it a few times (that I can find) in my journal from this time last year. Reading my writings from a full psychosis episode… Continue reading

    Audio Hallucinations

  • Friends: Part Two

    I used to get so frustrated with some of my friends. I mean, almost enraged at times. And I was never afraid to show it. With actions or words. Or tone of voice. I never said I wasn’t toxic before… Continue reading

    Friends: Part Two

  • The Neighbor Hallucination

    It’s an on going thing for me. Hallucinations are. I hear the neighbors talk about me. Every fucking day. Sometimes I can ignore it. But it’s incessant. It’s been happening for many years now. The last few years they have… Continue reading

    The Neighbor Hallucination

  • Group Therapy

    I tried to do a group meeting this week. It was on Tuesday night. It was hosted through NAMI. I let my paranoia get the best of me though. I was late for the meeting. My laptop was being frustrating… Continue reading

    Group Therapy

  • My Needs and Boundaries

    I have been trying very hard lately to set boundaries. It’s tough. Some times are better than others. Especially in regards to follow through. I can set as many as I want. But the follow through is incredibly difficult. I… Continue reading

    My Needs and Boundaries

  • Everything’s Different

    My memory is shot. I feel like my capacity to remember anything has been cut in half since I was in my twenties. And I couldn’t remember anything back then either. It feels like these psychosis symptoms leave holes. They… Continue reading

    Everything’s Different

  • There But Not Here

    Disappointments come in every shape and form. Failure, miscalculation, misfortune. They can make the future seem bleak in a millisecond. Whatever the situation was, it cycles over and over and over in my mind. I obsess and obsess and obsess.… Continue reading

    There But Not Here

  • Homesick

    I’m noticing that my depression is rearing its ugly head. It’s surfacing pretty gradually this go-around. Sometimes it hits like a freight train though. It’s self loathing and doubt. It’s soul crushing shit. With the voices and everything that take… Continue reading

    Homesick

  • Engage the Rage

    I think the type of anger I have is a little closer to rage. A thick, stifling, deep, dark red rage. It sometimes feels like my blood is literally boiling under my skin. Bubbling up at least. I can feel… Continue reading

    Engage the Rage

  • Dissociation and Memories

    I have an extremely difficult time remembering anything. Not just a few things in my life. Not just a couple of years. Most of them. I don’t remember much before the age of 12. Since then, there are really big… Continue reading

    Dissociation and Memories

  • Self Harm *Trigger Warning*

    I know this topic is very sensitive. I normally don’t put individual trigger warnings on my posts, but this one needs it. So, consider yourself warned. I have been writing off and on about this all week. I debated posting… Continue reading

    Self Harm *Trigger Warning*

  • Loaded Questions

    I have been very awkward in public lately. I’m terrified of people talking to me. Or about me. Probably because I always feel like people are talking about me. One harmless side glance starts a wave of paranoid thoughts through… Continue reading

    Loaded Questions

  • Inner Voices

    It’s been long enough that I don’t feel like I’ll ruin it if I bring it up now. My inner voices have been beautifully silent lately. It’s been about three weeks now. These are not the same voices I have… Continue reading

    Inner Voices