Explaining

I’m realizing that I have a very difficult time explaining what I’m going through.

Verbally, that is.

I’ve always faltered with my verbal communication.

I’ll admit that I’m horrible at it.

It’s been one of those repetitive issues in my life.

And I never even realized how much the voices alter my ability to comprehend things outside of myself.

My mouth and my brain are on two different levels.

Through two different filters.

I didn’t have the ability to think past my current situation before.

I have a difficult time wrapping my head around conversations.

And I still have a really hard time talking about everything.

Well, I have a hard time using my words.

With my symptoms especially.

And why I’m doing what I do.

Because people don’t get it.

Not everyone, just some.

But most people I run into don’t get it.

Hearing voices that aren’t there is awful.

Horrible.

Engulfing.

I would never wish it onto anyone.

No exceptions.

No one deserves this trash.

I feel like maybe I’m not being clear enough sometimes because of it.

Again, verbally.

It’s like I dance around my issues when talking.

Maybe because I don’t really understand them fully myself yet.

Maybe because I’m not trying to burden anyone.

Maybe because if I say them all out loud, that will give them some sort of power.

Some sort of recognition they don’t deserve.

When I casually talk about my hallucinations, I’m still talking about fucking hallucinations.

Things that I can’t control that happen to me daily.

Things that I see or hear are not reality most times.

The voices try to completely tint the view I have.

I see the world through these shitty delusions and hallucinations.

Not the other way around.

It’s a difficult life.

Very difficult some days.

And I don’t think people fully grasp that.

I’ve posted this video link below before.

And here is an example of of my everyday voices. 

If anyone is curious.

Or gives a fuck.

It was hard for me to listen to because of accuracy.

It’s on YouTube.

I just searched for “auditory hallucination simulation”.

This example is very close to what I hear everyday.

Some days are louder than others.

Some days are quieter. 

Some have more whispers.

Some have more yelling.

Some days they are meaner than others.

Some days there is more narration and accusatory shit being echoed in my head than anything.

Some days they berate me with name calling and horrible, horrible things I will never say out loud or put in writing.

They’re terrifying more often than not.

Most days I don’t want to talk to anyone.

Because I’ve been hearing the voices all fucking day and all fucking week.

And I’m fucking tired.

They talk over everyfuckingthing I hear.

Commenting and narrating what I’m doing the entire time I’m awake.

Confusing the fuck out of me.

Making me angry.

Draining my energy to below nothing.

It’s all I can do to stay awake some days.

And not sleep the whole twenty four hours away.

Even though I really want to.

Maybe people don’t understand because they didn’t really see me.

During and leading up to my complete rock bottom in late 2021.

I never talked about the voices before then.

Not really.

Not to people besides my therapist.

I thought everyone was hearing and seeing all of this.

Because I didn’t understand that what I was hearing and seeing wasn’t actually happening.

I didn’t get that none of it was real.

I couldn’t see my illness for what it was.

I couldn’t comprehend it or myself.

There’s a word for that too.

It’s called anosognosia.

And that ignorance to myself has been going on for most of my life.

It’s only been since last January that I’ve been aware that what I’m hearing and seeing is not normal.

Because someone told me that.

And that I was having psychosis episodes.

Because someone told me that.

I didn’t even know what the word psychosis really meant.

I had never looked it up.

I thought that term was used to describe murderers and psychopaths.

Not me.

I didn’t know that what was happening to me was related to myself not being in reality.

There was no way that this was all in my head.

But as I laid on my plastic mat in the psych ward I realized that they very well might be into something.

Because I had been hearing young children playing outside my windows every time I woke up throughout the night.

And the hospital was secluded and fenced off.

Besides it was two or three in the morning when I would hear them.

I was terrified to tell the doctor I was still hearing voices at the end of the week.

Because I wanted out.

I felt confined and trapped.

I wanted a fucking cigarette.

And the voices didn’t start to really fade until months later.

As I cried in my monthly appointment to my caseworker last July.

I told her everything.

They got me on antipsychotics and everything became clearer and clearer over the remainder of last year.

I’m bringing all this up not to get pity, or likes or whatever.

I’m not writing any of this for that.

I want people who don’t deal with psychosis symptoms to understand my world.

Why I act like I do.

Why I have done things that I have.

Why I’m not feeling like explaining myself over and over and over.

I want people to be aware that psychosis can and does happen all the time.

That I can’t function like most other people.

That my world is different from “normal”.

That I may have psychosis symptoms often, but that doesn’t make me a bad or mean person.

Honestly, I’m usually either confused or paranoid.

But some days are in between. 

Or neither.

– Keren

7 responses to “Explaining”

    • It’s taken a very long time for me to get to this point. Most days I just write my own little writings just for myself. Not to share with anyone. Where I just rant and complain.. that usually morphs into some reflection for me.. I believe in you! You can do it! Start small. Write about one thing at a time. ✨

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Keren, Keep writing we are following your messages. My sister in law always referred to her phych meds as allergy pills. I think she never understood her diagnosis because her world was too real. I hope you are safe and feeling loved.

    Uncle Dick

    Liked by 1 person

    • I appreciate you!! And love you!! I’ve felt like that a lot too. Before the antipsychotic helped clear my mind up, I never understood why I had to take meds.. they didn’t really do anything. I could never remember to take them because of that. 💚

      Like

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