I tried to do a group meeting this week.
It was on Tuesday night.
It was hosted through NAMI.
I let my paranoia get the best of me though.
I was late for the meeting.
My laptop was being frustrating at the moment.
Probably because I was in a rush.
So I joined nine minutes late on my phone.
I’ve never really used zoom.
So I had no idea what I was doing on the platform.
How to work things.
And it was my first group.
So I had no idea what to expect in general.
The group had already started and the host introduced herself.
She said she had been hanging out with an unmedicated schizophrenic friend this last week.
She said it was stressful and her friend wouldn’t stop talking.
She said the conversations were one sided and frustratingly nonsensical.
I got really uncomfortable with this.
As everyone in the group was introducing themselves there was a common theme of diagnoses.
Anxiety and depression.
I was the only one of my kind.
I can’t talk about anything I go through with these people.
It’s too intense.
So when it came time for me to introduce myself I couldn’t figure out how to unmute the app.
And then when I opened my mouth, nothing really came out.
We were supposed to talk about our week.
I absolutely panicked.
I said I wasn’t doing too great.
But I just got my injection today.
I have schizoaffective disorder.
And my symptoms had been acting up the last couple of weeks.
Then some jumbled non-word words came out of my mouth.
It was as if I wasn’t in control of what I was saying.
I completely freaked out and interrupted myself.
By saying I don’t know what I was going to say.
Which I didn’t.
And then I said I guess that’s it.
My mind had gone blank and I didn’t feel like I was talking.
I felt like I was talking through myself.
Everyone else had talked a little about what they’re going through in the week.
Not in detail, but an acknowledgment of feelings.
I don’t know if it was from the comments the host had said or what.
But I shut the fuck down.
I ended up leaving the group after the next person started talking.
Then I started crying.
Because I can’t do social situations anymore.
Even if it’s going to help me.
Maybe it was just a dry run.
A jumping off point.
That’s what I tried to tell myself.
I can do it again.
Maybe for longer next time.
But those are all after thoughts from today.
In the moment I was devastated with myself.
It felt like my chest caved in.
An incredibly thick, dark sadness washed over me.
I sat here and cried.
I told myself I didn’t deserve anything.
So I didn’t eat anything last night.
My dog got on the couch and started leaning into me.
I just hugged him for a while.
The tears were just streaming down my face.
If I can’t do this type of social situation, what can I do?
It was too much.
I felt like everyone could see right through me.
Everyone was judging me and hoping I wouldn’t speak.
They all just wanted me to shut the fuck up and be gone.
The group host even talked about someone with a schizophrenia spectrum disorder and had nothing good to say.
I have nothing good to say.
And I’m too much.
I am filled with maladaptive behaviors and issues.
And I’m too intense for group situations.
I have too much going on.
Too many symptoms.
Maybe that’s it.
Maybe it was triggering because someone like me was too much already.
Maybe because I heard voices tell me repeatedly to hang up and leave.
It started after the host’s words.
They don’t like you.
No one is going to get you.
You’re going to trigger someone.
They hate you.
They’re going to hurt you.
Look at them.
They can tell.
So I did.
I caved and left the zoom session.
I let the voices make the decision.
Because if I don’t, I will not be able to control what comes out of my mouth next.
Or be able to control my thoughts.
It was an overwhelmingly sad situation.
I can’t do this.
I can’t be social.
I get too strung out around strangers.
What if they can get into my phone and my delusions start up again?
Who are they?
Why are they all staring at me like that?
Why do they all hate me?
It’s too much.
I’m too much.
This morning has been a little bit better.
The injection from yesterday kicked in a little more overnight.
I’m not crying about it anymore.
There’s a sense of “next time” in me today.
If there is a next time.
Maybe I’ll be able to do thirty minutes next time.
Not just fifteen.
It’s absolutely maddening to be a fraction of who I used to be.
Since high school and before I’ve really been a social butterfly.
Now I’m the opposite.
Groups of people scare me.
They make me paranoid and anxious beyond comprehension.
There are some things in life that are harder than others.
This is just one of those things I guess.