Self Harm *Trigger Warning*

I know this topic is very sensitive.

I normally don’t put individual trigger warnings on my posts, but this one needs it.

So, consider yourself warned.

I have been writing off and on about this all week.

I debated posting this at all.

It’s hard to have the balance of not glorifying it, and also making sure I’m speaking my truth.

After I had a relapse in symptoms recently, I was feeling really upset with myself.

I’ve been trying to sort it all out with writing.

And looking up what everything means for the first time ever.

I plug questions into google everyday.

I am glad I am able to change myself for the better now.

With that in mind, I have to get comfortable being uncomfortable.

So, here we are.

• • • • • • • • • • • •

I self harm.

I don’t want to.

But I do.

It’s embarrassing.

It’s impulsive.

It’s addictive.

It holds an immeasurable release for me.

It’s laced with guilt for me as well.

I’ve given myself concussions.

Bruises that have lasted for weeks.

I have a knuckle that’s permanently disfigured on my right hand from all of the times I’ve punched door frames.

Any hard surface really.

See, I hit myself mostly, I don’t cut.

I always thought that cutting was much worse than hitting.

Because I don’t do the other one.

The one that leaves visible marks.

So that means I’m somehow okay.

The fact of the matter is that all self harm is equally dangerous.

It’s a very serious issue regardless.

And it’s possible that it may even be more damaging when it’s so secret and hidden for so long without marks or scars.

Because then it doesn’t have to be talked about.

Ever.

No one can see a bruise on my skull or stomach.

I have never brought up my self harm until this year in therapy.

I have never discussed it with anyone before, ever.

No one has really asked.

I have always known it’s not appropriate behavior.

But I have never been able to stop it.

I never tried to until my psychosis episodes got worse.

And I couldn’t hide it anymore.

My self harm has been with me as long as my darkness has.

It holds a massive amount of fucked up relief for me.

Along with shame.

You know, now that I think about it, I have never actually discussed this with a psychiatrist.

Not that I can recall at least.

I am going to make a point to bring this up the next time I see my NP now.

But I just realized this.

I had always been told to never tell psychiatrists too much.

Because then, they’ll lock you away.

So I never brought it up.

However, I have never been asked about it either.

There’s absolutely a disconnect there.

I thought about this because of the new NP I saw this week.

He didn’t ask me either.

I thought about this after my appointment.

He told me he didn’t see many delusions discussed on my chart too.

My old NP never asked me about them.

Just like she never asked about my self harming.

And we would never talk about my voices unless I brought it up first.

I did end up discussing my feeling of being watched.

Along with the government and neighbors watching me delusions I have.

Why isn’t self harm talked about more?

Especially in a professional mental health appointment?

Why isn’t there a box to check every time you see them?

This isn’t the first time this has been looked over with me.

My therapist and I talk about it now.

But it is a hard thing to admit to.

It’s almost easier to talk about if someone asks about it.

But only if they’re concerned, not judgemental.

I do feel as though when it is a problem for someone, it’s usually a pretty solid gauge on how the person is doing.

When I do self harm, and there’s no reprieve in sight, it escalates quickly.

And happens often.

For me, it’s much easier to physically hurt than emotionally.

It’s a release of unbearable tension.

When I go into my psychosis episodes, I self harm a lot.

I can only remember bits and pieces, but I do recall it happening quite a bit.

That behavior usually sticks out.

I now understand that the voices will sometimes tell me that I have to hit.

Maybe because I feel as though I deserve it.

The urge is absolutely impossible to ignore when it surfaces.

But self harm is not sustainable.

It’s a maladaptive behavior, for sure.

It’s a super shitty coping mechanism.

My voices have really gotten worked up while writing this.

This is a heavy topic, and my mind is sinking.

They’re narrating what I’m doing but talking about it again.

Fucking annoying as shit.

Layers outside and inside my head.

Fuck.

Especially the one that I’ve come to call Diane – who’s active tonight.

She says she’s been with me for years and years.

Decades she says.

Fuck.

I hate this.

Okay, I’m back.

It’s the next day and I can finish this somehow.

That is exactly what happens to me.

That’s why I decided to leave my trailing off from yesterday in this post.

My voices sidetrack and attack me.

And at times I have to just sit and focus on puppy videos.

Let the voices hopefully wear themselves out.

I try to not encourage them with interacting.

They, and especially Diane, will just berate me when I do.

She’ll call me weak for talking to her when I just said I wasn’t going to.

And when she surfaces, she’s constantly talking.

I mean, constantly.

About what I’m doing.

What I’m thinking, feeling, seeing.

And we talk to one another inside my head.

She’s not a projected voice.

I don’t have to talk out loud to speak with her.

Sometimes I do, but I don’t have to.

And I know she’s not real at this point.

But I didn’t know that for a very long time.

This is just how triggering even thinking, and writing about self harm is for me.

It’s so deeply hidden in my abyss that I am able to almost forget about it when I’m doing really good.

Yet it can surface and engulf me at any time.

It brings my voices and self loathing phrases.

It’s something that I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to fully stop.

I know this isn’t the happiest ending to this post, or entry in general.

Like self harm, it’s raw with no real conclusion.

– Keren