Appointment Reminders

My mental health clinic texts me appointment reminders.

And since they got this service.

I have been getting SO many reminder texts.

I honestly thought that they had plugged my phone number into a place holder account or something.

Because these stupid fucking reminders are not for me.

They need to figure this shit out.

Earlier this week I couldn’t remember the time of my appointment for my NP on Tuesday.

And Monday morning I had called the clinic and no one was answering.

So I was waiting for that reminder text to find out.

If it even works properly.

I was hoping they would send it the morning before.

Or the day before.

Seeing as how I couldn’t get ahold of anyone.

As I was glancing at the old message reminders.

I kept shaking my head.

Because there are so many.

Oh.

Oh holy fuck.

I started noticing the times they were sent.

And then the days.

They were ALL sent the Monday before all of my appointments there.

Which are always on Tuesday.

With my case worker.

And then my peer support person.

My injection appointments too.

These texts always seemed so random.

What the fuck?!

How is this possible?

How did these reminders come on the same day every week?

There is no way they were sent on the same day.

Oh my fuck.

I’m looking at them.

And they are.

Not only that, but they were all sent in the morning.

On a day before I did absolutely have an appointment there.

Seriously?

For real?

Holy shit!

How the fuck did this stump me?

How did I never notice they were legit?

They are all sent within the same thirty minute time frame too.

Every Monday.

Just like they should.

And apparently are programmed to.

How did I NOT put that together?

How did I really think that someone was fucking up?

And using my number on repeat. 

I really thought that there’s no way I have all of these appointments.

Even though I’m there every fucking week.

On Tuesdays.

So I get reminders on Mondays.

Damn this shit is ridiculous!

Things like this are happening constantly to me.

These are the moments I’ve brought up before.

These pockets of clarity.

These moments of slap-in-the-face correction of  misinformation.

It’s like my mind switches into them.

And suddenly all this shit makes sense.

So what I’m thinking is going on.

Is full of information I haven’t picked up on yet.

But apparently will eventually.

It hasn’t been that long since these moments have shown themselves to me.

It’s only been about six months or so.

Of being able to notice these patterns, really.

Being able to finally mentally note things.

This whole appointment reminder thing fucked me up all day Monday.

Seriously.

Where else is my mind doing something like this?

What other situation?

Has it always been like this?

Is that why I would get so angry?

It’s gotta be.

I was just super confused because nothing seemed to make sense.

I mean.

This is exhibit A.

This is, again, noticing these things that I’ve never noticed before.

Things I haven’t been able to see before.

Like my ability to stop actively hating myself.

Which wasn’t possible before last year.

I am seeing that I do tend to go negative without realizing it.

It’s so habitual.

It’s natural.

But I can’t be too hard on myself.

My mind never really gave me a chance.

Its never been patient.

And is full of darkness.

And massive amounts of disorientation.

I have moments of believing that nothing is real.

That someone else is in control of my thoughts.

And I’m not “me”.

It makes me feel like I’m just floating through.

It feels like depersonalization. 

When in psychosis, I felt like I was in that depressing movie, The Truman Show.

I would chain smoke cigarettes.

And stare at the moon.

And truly feel as if I’m not me.

That everything is nothing.

That it’s all a joke.

And everyone is watching me through secret cameras and microphones that I was given the gift to see and no one else can besides people in the CIA.

That’s the difference between past me and current me.

Past me wasn’t able to separate my mind from any other part of me.

From my paranoia.

From my anxiety.

My mind has made my life unbelievably confusing.

I’m starting to understand how much of an impact that’s truly had on me.

How jumbled everything is.

I’m grateful for gradual understanding.

It takes a while to realize most things are not what they have been.

To help my mind clarify itself.

But I’m down.

Real reality is much kinder than mine.

– Keren