So, the vein ablations are done.

Thank goodness.

The photo with this entry shows just how drastic of a difference the procedures have made.

It’s amazing.

I mean, I knew my feet and legs were discolored and swollen, but I didn’t realize how discolored and swollen they were until I did this comparison the other night.

It’s fucking wild.

Wild!

I still have either one or two foam sclerotherapy procedures to go.

Hopefully my Dr can do both legs at the same time, but he may only be able to do one at a time.

It depends on insurance and whatnot (of course) (ugh). 

So I have either one or two procedures left for my circulation issues in my legs.

But I seriously can’t wait until I don’t have to wear my compression stockings anymore.

They’re so annoying.

It just sucks putting them on in the morning because my knees always hurt so bad in the morning.

My knees feel raw and then having to cross my legs over themselves and put the pressure on the knees of pulling up the stockings, it’s so painful.

And I have to do it every single morning.

The best time of day is when I get to take them off.

But then my calf feels more bruised when they’re not on, so it’s not as comfortable as when they’re on, but they’re annoying at the same time.

It’s a loss-lose.

I’m surprised by how bruised my calf has been feeling this go around.

And the charlie-horses have been terrible in that calf too.

Yesterday it was terrible, it just kept seizing up on me.

The second night after my last procedure I had taken off my compression stockings, and an hour or so later, I let Bruce outside.

I had been feeling quite a sharp pull in my right calf, it felt almost like a nerve was being pulled, or like the vein itself was pulled quite tight.

I was just standing there, and then I turned around.

As I turned, I felt a huge ”pop” in my calf, and then I felt a cool, wet sensation run down the back of my calf, but all of it was internal, not external.

It honestly felt as if the vein had popped back open or something had burst inside of my leg and there was a liquid running down the inside of my leg, internally.

And the pulling sensation subsided completely, immediately after that.

It was a super bizarre feeling.

I had my follow up ultrasound the following morning, and I told the ultrasound technician about it and he said that that’s completely normal!

He told me that I had felt the vein completely close, the rest of the way.

How bizarre! 

It was a wild sensation.

It felt as though something had opened up.

But he said the liquid sensation was the medication they placed in the vein, that was basically, oozing out of the vein as it closed.

It was such an awkward feeling.

I thought it had opened back up for sure.

I’ve had more than just charlie-horses and bruised feeling calves though.

My knee pain has been very intense lately.

I’ve been having to walk very slowly on my treadmill, and when I walk Bruce.

I just can’t speed up.

My body won’t let me.

If I do I feel a sharp pull and a shooting, stabbing sensation under my knee caps.

My left big toe has been locking up too, as it does at times.

But it’s been doing it quite a bit lately.

And then I stubbed my right big toe pretty badly on Thursday and I think I really messed it up.

I think I’m going to need a new x-ray on it if it keep this up.

Which is frustrating.

It’s now locking up on me too and is sore while walking.

But my knees have just been so intense.

They feel like someone beat them with a baseball bat a few days ago.

They have this lingering soreness.

I’m sure it doesn’t help that I’ve gained a few pounds.

That’s super frustrating.

First time since February that I’ve gained weight.

I need to get back onto counting my calories religiously, and I’m restarting, today.

It’s just so fucking difficult.

I’ve been having a hard time focusing on anything because I’ve been having to focus on everything.

If that makes sense.

I’m dealing with my legs.

I’m dealing with EMDR.

I’m dealing with triggers.

I’m dealing with bad knees.

I’m dealing with bad teeth.

I’m dealing with bills.

I’m dealing with procedures.

I’m dealing with friendships.

I’m dealing with Bruce’s failing health.

I’m dealing with family.

I’m dealing with doctors appointments.

I’m dealing with group therapy.

I’m dealing with food.

Like it just goes on and on and on and I’m supposed to do all of this shit at the same time?!

How?!

How the hell do I focus on everything at the same time?

It’s so overwhelming.

On top of everything listed above, my therapist is having me write down all of my triggers right now.

At least, the ones that I can remember, or think of to write down.

It’s extremely difficult.

When she first gave me the task, I thought, honestly, how hard could that be?

Sure, I’ll do it, no problem.

But as the weeks pass, the triggers have been piling up.

And I’m realizing that I’m still much more reactive than I want to be.

I’m realizing that I’m still 120% triggered by tons of shit, every single day.

And not only do I have to write down the triggers, but I have to write down what emotions I was feeling at the time too.

What images went through my head.

Was I picturing myself as a kid, or in a specific situation.

What cognition I was feeling – the most common one that keeps popping up for me is “I am alone”, and “I am unworthy”.

And then the number 1-10 of distress that it has caused me, and the body sensations that went along with it.

Most of the time I’m noticing I have a tight chest, I get hot, and my stomach drops.

So it’s a pretty intensive process.

Pretty detailed but succinct all at the same time.

We’re doing that on top of EMDR in sessions, which is exhausting and intense too.

The last session she had me call on something that gave me strength.

I won’t go into who or what I used, but I used someone who’s special to me.

And I left the session feeling empowered. 

But as the week goes on, I feel like it’s gotten tougher to call back on that session’s core, and use the tools it was suppose to give me. 

I don’t know if there weren’t enough eye movements for me or what, but it feels like it didn’t take for some reason.

Like it didn’t stick.

Because I’m having a hard time recalling that strength.

And there are sessions where I just want “normal” therapy back, ya know?

Like, I love EMDR.

I love it.

I think it’s super useful and is an amazing tool.

But I feel like I have all of these other things piling up that I haven’t had the chance to talk to my therapist about because we’re so busy with EMDR, ya know?

It’s partially my fault.

I haven’t told her this yet.

And I need to. 

I will.

I have a lot of daunting things to do this week.

I need to find a couple of doctors, which always takes a long time calling dozens of places until I find a place that takes my insurance.

That alone is going to take up an entire day.

Then I have to call my general practitioner and get a referral.

Ugh.

But, I need to find an orthopedic surgeon who does ankles, feet and knees.

I’m hoping for at least one practice where I can see two different specialists.

Which is what I had in Denver for my knees and ankle/feet.

And I also need to find a rheumatologist.

I’m not looking forward to it.

The good thing is I’m between two big cities, so I’m 40 min away from a bunch of different resources. 

So that’s a bonus.

And I’ve got to ask the rheumatologist to do blood work right away – I’m sure they will anyway.

But, I want to see if they think that I even have RA after my leg vein ablations have taken my swelling away.

I know a lot of times in my blood work, my CRP levels are usually high still, which is another RA marker – but I’m seronegative with the RA gene or whatever, so it’s a tough call.

Today I’m just trying to be grateful for how far my legs have come.

Even though my knees are absolutely killing me, the muscles around them, and in my legs, are doing much, much better after the vein ablations, so I’ll take that as an overall win for now.

-Keren