It was a decent week.

I’ve been in a much, much better mood this week than I have been in a while.

Which is a very refreshing change.

I didn’t think I could feel like this anymore.

I’m hopeful today.

I’m looking forward to the future for the first time in a very long time.

My birthday is this weekend.

I’m gonna be 43.

I can’t believe I’m still alive in all reality.

I never thought I’d make it this long.

I remember taking a stupid quiz on The Onion’s website years ago and it told me I’d be dead by 32.

But look at that, I’m still here!

I’ve even got a fucking plan for my future today.

I never, ever thought that would happen.

I’ve never been content.

Not since I was a kid.

Even then, it was fleeting.

The Duloxetine that my psych NP put me on is honestly working so fucking well.

I’ve never had an antidepressant take away so much doom.

And pain.

It took away some of my physical pain too.

I think my pain levels have reduced 20% – 30% with it.

It’s shocking.

It took a few days to kick in, but it’s been great so far.

I thought I could think clearly with just the Paliperidone.

Now with the Duloxetine added, my mind is actually starting to be able to keep and retain information.

I never thought I would be to a point in my life where I would be able to function like this.

Granted, I’m not working right now.

So I don’t know how much I can really handle yet.

It’s probably not too much.

But in another year or so, after my mind has had a chance to function properly for a while, I’ll be able to work again.

I know I’ll be able to.

And that’s not saying that a big psychotic episode will never happen again, because that’s not a predictable thing.

I may go into an episode tomorrow.

There’s no telling.

But after being in and out of psychosis for most of my life, I think I’ve turned another big corner in my recovery journey.

Not saying that I’m looking to be recovered, because that will never happen.

I’m just looking to stay as stable as I can, for as long as life lets me.

But that part isn’t up to me.

And I need to live my life still.

I can’t live in fear of my next psychotic episode.

That’s out of my control and I can’t just sit here waiting for it the rest of my life.

But I’m grateful for the time I have this year to continue to work on myself.

My brain needs the time to recoup still.

I’ve only been on the Duloxetine for a couple of weeks and have only had one therapy session while being on this medication too.

So I have a lot of work to do still.

I’ve been able to be pretty reflective this week.

And that’s exciting.

It’s not as epiphany filled as the Paliperidone mind clearing up was.

But it’s still really eye opening.

Because I feel like my darkness is in the trunk of my car now.

I’ve talked about the car in my head before, but not in a while.

There’s a sedan in my head and my core self is usually trying to drive it.

This car runs my mind and body.

Well, the thing is that the other parts of myself are in the car too.

The ignored child, the angsty teenager and the disgruntled adult addict.

And they’re jerking the wheel and pounding on the breaks and gas when they want to take over the car.

Which is all the time.

One is my depression, one is my rage and another is a “trickster” who pops up like a wild card.

They’re constantly grabbing the steering wheel and trying to drive.

They’re terrible backseat drivers that yell and try to influence the situation verbally and physically.

Well, today it feels like my depression is now stuffed in the trunk.

Somehow, kicking and screaming, it’s now under a little bit of control.

I just hope the backseat isn’t one of those kinds where the seat folds down and opens up to the trunk.

I’m driving, for the first time, without my depression looming in the backseat.

It’s marvelous.

I just hope this feeling lasts.

I’m wondering if this is how the rest of society feels all the time?

No wonder why people are so productive and inventive.

– Keren