I had been off Prozac for about a week, week and a half, before starting back up on the 20mg capsules yesterday (it’s Tuesday)

I can’t do life without a SSRI.

Fuck that bullshit.

I have some capsules left, so I started taking them and called my psych NP office for the fourth time just telling them to refil the fucking Prozac.

They’re not giving me any direction.

I haven’t gotten any response from them since the beginning of last week.

It’s so fucking annoying.

They finally just called in refills to my pharmacy on Thursday.

Fucking eye roll.

God forbid they actually call someone back.

I have not been in a good mood becasue of that – being off an SSRI, and that entire office, and my pain levels are still through the fucking roof.

I started crying today when I got home from a friend’s house because of my pain levels.

It won’t stop.

It won’t fade.

I saw my pain doc on Monday this week and we talked about how maybe the Gabapentin maybe the thing causing my legs, ankles, and feet to swell up.

He said it’s rare, but he has seen it in the past.

So I had to come off of that on Monday to see what happens.

And I gotta say, it’s only Wednesday, but the swelling is down already.

We’ll see if it sticks.

I was hoping it wasn’t the Gabapentin, because it has been helping with controlling my pain.

But I can’t do the extra inflammation.

And honestly the inflammation always leads to pain, so it wasn’t really helping me more than crippling me when I think about it.

And the withdrawals this week have been a total bitch.

I’m freezing.

And I feel like my body, pain wise, is in a hotter than hell fire today.

And I’ve had the chills all week.

I was wearing two hoodies the bulk of the week and my apartment is at 73°.

I know it’s kinda chilly outside, but not that chilly.

My bones have been burning, my muscles twitching.

It took till Friday to be where I’m feeling more normal.

I looked back at my mood app and my swelling had started before the Gabapentin, but just by a week or so.

And I started taking it when I got back from Washington and the plane ride sparked up some inflammation too.

And I had started the electrolytes.

So it was hard to tell what did what.

But the inflammation has been rampant since.

And there is another nerve pain medication we can try.

It could very well do the same thing.

I don’t know.

I just feel so fucking frustrated about it all.

It’s now Thursday and I’m feeling a touch better.

My swelling is down a bit more and my pain levels have reduced like 10%.

Which is better than staying the same or getting worse.

It’s been a rough week.

It’s now Friday and my ankles are almost back to normal swelling wise.

My pain levels are down a bit more too.

My legs still have a bit of swelling, but I figure it’s going to take a while to normalize after the Gabapentin.

It’s wild how puffed up I was for so many months.

I wondered why it hadn’t come back down.

I’m floored that a medication did this.

I don’t usually have many side effects from medications, so when I do have some, I feel like it’s always super extreme and takes me a few months to piece together.

I was able to walk Bruce okay today too.

A bit less limping and shuffling.

Mental health wise I’ve been very frustrated.

I know it’s from my pain levels.

And the lack of antidepressants.

I’ve been antsy with zero energy.

I’ve been so sleepy that I’ve been napping a lot.

And I like naps, but I feel like I wasted part of the day when I nap at the same time.

I dunno.

Not like I do anything when I’m awake anyway.

The word I kept using to describe myself in therapy was melancholy.

I’m just… I just don’t care about anything.

Maybe it’s the pain, maybe it’s the darkness, but I can’t bring myself to care about much of anything right now.

I need to clean my apartment and take the recycling in, but I’ve been avoiding both as the kitchen floor fills up with more gas of bottles and cans.

I’m so indifferent about life right now.

More so than usual.

I’m glad my swelling has gone down.

I just hope my pain levels follow suit.

I feel like if they don’t fade from this soon, I’m gonna fucking lose it.

– Keren