I know I’ve been posting a lot the past week or so, I just feel like I have a lot to say and keep having ideas for posts, so I just keep writing.

I remember my grandmother telling me once to just post the entry and you’ll be happy that you didn’t hold it in.

And she’s right, so here we go again.

I had a psych NP (nurse practitioner) visit today (it’s Tuesday).

I didn’t have much to say to him other than the usual stuff.

Which is good by me.

It’s wild how stable I’ve become over the past two years.

Especially within the last year.

I’m amazed that I’m seeing and thinking so clearly.

It’s like everything is new to me in a way, my behavior is for sure new, so is my outlook.

But getting back to it, during my psych NP visits, I don’t feel like he really listened/listens to me (surprise, surprise).

I know I talk about this almost every time I see him but it’s so fucking frustrating.

And I’m trying really hard to be rational about this.

And I know he sees so many patients every day and he just told me today that the other provider quit recently, so his caseload is totally out of control right now.

I usually see him every three months but right now he’s totally booked through November.

Parts of me feel for him – that sounds so stressful.

The other parts are pissed off because he doesn’t really listen to me anyway, and more people on his mind is going to make him pay attention to me even less.

He said that the last guy I saw there (an intern last visit) put in my chart that I’m still having auditory hallucinations.

Yes, I said, the ones I talk about every visit, they haven’t changed.

And you didn’t have a conflict with these people and then your symptoms started?

No, there was no conflict with the majority of the voices I hear, and nowadays, instead of entire conversations, there’s a few sentences here or there, or some mumbling, and they normally surface at dusk/dark time but not always.

So he told me I need to at least take a half of a Haloperidol when that happens.

So I guess I’m on Haloperidol again because it’ll happen at some point today, it’s just a waiting game.

(and it did around 7:30pm, when I was walking Bruce. So I came home and took one)

He was telling me that the Invega injection might be better again and I told him that it’s not for me.

It was so physically painful for weeks, and I had so many breakthrough symptoms and I don’t want to be on two antipsychotics again because then I’ll have to be on Haloperidol twice daily again and I hated myself and life when I was on both.

That was miserable.

I was insistent that the two daily tablets of the Paliperidone/Invega work much, much better for me, because they do.

I feel much more stable on the daily meds than I did on the injections, and the injections changed my entire world.

I advocated for myself and stayed calm (which is hard).

I told him that the auditory hallucinations are not even close to what they used to be, but I’m still having the delusions of my neighbors watching me and stalking me with surveillance.

He said that’s irrational, and I said I know.

He asked if all of my hallucinations were that irrational and I said yes.

He nodded, I think he finally understands what I’ve been saying for the last year and a half.

Took long enough.

(a couple hours later) Like I’ve said in the past, I’m grateful for the medications but my prescriber doesn’t always pick up what I’m putting down.

I have to be very persistent with him.

I have to really spell it out a million times and advocate hardcore for myself at that office.

And in the spirit of trying to not take shit personal, I’m trying to not take it personal.

He sees a ton of people because it’s a state run clinic with a sliding scale and I’m so grateful I have access to something like that.

I just haven’t been feeling heard, but I think that shifted today which is amazing.

I was at ease leaving his office today, I was not worked up or pissed off about not being heard – I think he finally gets it.

I told him these are the same delusions and hallucinations I bring up everytime I see him, that this is all a “thing” that happens to me all the time and has for decades.

And he nodded and finally seemed to get it, so that’s fucking epic.

And in other medical news, I’ve officially got prediabetes again.

Sigh.

I found out at my last primary care doctor visit the other week and have tried to not think about it since..

I gained around 10lbs in the past month or so and stopped even thinking about my lifestyle changes with food, and ate and drank whatever the fuck I wanted to.

Now I regret that I did that.

If I would’ve just stayed on track I wouldn’t be dealing with this right now.

I’m eating myself sick and I don’t know how to stop.

I mean, I have stopped, I’m trying to stop, but I’m fucking hungry, constantly.

I think part of it is my medications, part of it is a binge-eating disorder that I’ve had since I can remember.

I sneak food a lot, or at least I used to.

I’ve been better about it since moving a few years ago, but that’s only because I don’t have the money to spend on it.

Antipsychotics can lead to weight gain too, and are known to increase hunger levels.

Great.

I already have a problem with overeating and now the medication that I take for my psychosis wants and encourages me to overeat even more.

I’m getting hit from all angles.

I started reading this book my Mom got me called “The Diabetes Code”.

I haven’t gotten into it too far, just past the first “part” about a third of the way in, but it’s pretty eye opening.

I didn’t know about the glycemic index of foods till last weekend either, when my Mom brought it up to me.

I never realized that was even a thing till now.

It’s all rather shocking and informative. 

Trying to deal with my physical health is so challenging.

I know I’m not alone in that either.

It’s tough for me to separate mental and physical because they’ve always been lumped together in my brain.

But they’re totally separate entities.

And the sooner I remember that, the better I’ll do.

I need to cater to both mental and physical health, not pick one and ignore the other like I’ve been doing my whole life.

I now have the ability to see my physical health for what it is, a mess.

And now I can act appropriately and make the changes I need and hopefully adhere to them.

It’s all just so difficult.

Everything is difficult.

At least I’m feeling better about my psych NP visits now, that’s a big relief.

Now to work on both mind and body at the same time.

– Keren