I’m trying really hard to change.

I am.

I’m now taking my meds, I’m seeing a therapist weekly and have been for over two years now.

I’m seeing a psychiatrist too, every two or three months for the past like, ten years too.

I can see my caseworker at any time, I have just been doing better lately so I haven’t had an appointment with her in a while.

But I should check in with her.

Especially while a touch manic (hypomanic for sure) like I am right now.

I have a lot to say right now.

Anyway, I’m putting in the work.

I’m trying to change my maladaptive behaviors and become a better version of myself.

The problem is that the old chaos is so close and so comfortable.

So, I open my mouth to only try to close it right away to tell myself that’s not who I am anymore.

I am not a woman full of confusion, darkness and rage anymore.

I know what I’m doing now, right?

I’m pretty sure I do.

I can remember things a touch better, but I’m still dissociating.

Especially when having hallucinations and/or delusions. 

But I still do stupid shit randomly, and I don’t mean to.

It just kinda happens and I don’t really know how or why.

And then I’m left to stew in the memory of it.

To wade through that shit to get to the other side.

But the bottom line is that I’m trying to be better.

The effort is there.

The work is being put in but I still fuck up from time to time and I think that’s pretty standard.

I’m not out in left field hollering at nothing anymore at least.

And I mean that literally.

I was that person on the street talking to themselves, pacing back and forth taking pictures and videos of nothing, shouting nonsense at random people.

I’m so grateful I’m not there anymore.

But I still am going to fuck up.

And I still ruminate over things pretty severely.

My mind gets taken over by these looping thought patterns and obsessions on the parts I can remember.

Why did I say that?

But I don’t remember the whole situation, not properly at least.

(And that goes for countless things in my past)

The thing is, I can’t trust what I see and hear.

I can’t believe everything I see and hear.

And that fucking sucks.

I can’t trust myself.

It’s stressful.

But I have noticed that with the Paliperidone switch (from a monthly injection to two daily tablets) my clarity has absolutely been upped a bit again.

And it continues to slowly be upped every other week or so right now.

(But that could be the mania talking right now too)

I still have breakthrough symptoms all the time.

But I feel like it’s just a sentence here and there instead of constant, looping, overlapping conversations.

And that’s a great change too.

Honestly I feel like everything is going really great right now and that scares me a bit.

I had therapy yesterday, and I made a comment that I’m feeling manic or hypomanic again this week.

And my therapist told me I don’t fit the criteria.

He said it just seems like I’m in a good mood.

I didn’t tell him about cussing out that office manager last week.

I didn’t tell him I stopped taking my meds for a few days the other week.

I didn’t tell him it’s hard for me to sleep right now.

I didn’t tell him everything is wonderful and there are so many signs for me right now.

I didn’t tell him I feel like using.

How much does he really know then?

Is he able to make an informed decision like that?

I know how I feel.

He doesn’t.

This is what I’ve been up against my entire life.

Doctors and healthcare providers invalidating me.

That’s not happening.

Oh it’s not?

Would you like to tell my fucking brain that then, because that’s what it’s been doing.

We’ve been on high alert and I don’t need another fucking healthcare provider telling me that’s not what I’m dealing with because the last time that happened I had undiagnosed psychosis for forty years.

So, kindly fuck off with that opinion.

Thanks but no thanks.

I don’t trust healthcare providers.

They’ve never been there for me so why should I believe them now?

I appreciate the EMDR therapy help, it’s working, and I hope to keep it up, but keep your opinions to yourself with that.

Because that’s not helpful right now.

Not today.

Two things can be true at once.

I can be grateful for the help and disagree with them at the same time

I can’t even tell you how many doctors have given me shit advice or diagnoses that don’t fit.

I don’t need another one of these fucking people telling me how I do or don’t feel.

I now have enough clarity to stand up for myself.

I’m not going down another path of anosognosia.

Not today, not tomorrow.

Hopefully not ever.

I’m trying to change, I really am.

And I am, slowly.

I guess that’s all I can ask for but I wish my healing would hurry up a bit sometimes.

I know it’s all going as it should.

I know I just have to keep showing up.

– Keren